i do not believe in god
but i do believe in poetry
and for me
maybe poetry is prayer
and the universe
is an unwavering ear
in the shape of a god

you make me feel like poetry
i too often find myself
turning my relationships
into poems
i write them into
the sea
the flowers
the stars
the song
but this time
you
you make me feel like poetry

the universe must be testing me
she said
there must be something
so incredible on the horizon
that she could not appreciate
without this
the bad
and maybe the universe is reminding her
that bad things do not only come in threes
that is just another thing
we tell ourselves
to justify the hurt
or the universe is letting her know
she is resilient
that she can withstand this long
of this many bad things
and the universe says
that this may be a strange time
but when is it not
the universe reminds her
she is most true in tragedy
she is most authentic in angst
or maybe the universe
just wants to remind her
it is here
to hold her tight
through all of this
maybe that is all she needs

she tells me
i don’t deserve this
and i pretend to believe her
i pretend to agree
i pretend i do not blame myself
i pretend to not find fault in every breath
i pretend like i am happy
i pretend it does not hurt
i pretend
i pretend
i pretend
because maybe for me
pretending is praying
it is sending these things away
hoping for a generous ear
and god is the universe
and i hope that she is patient
and i hope she is forgiving
and i hope that she is there
more than anything
she is there
she has to be

i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
queerness
i am from
mom, i’m sorry
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough

i am from
chipped yellow nail polish
i am from
i love you i love you i love you
i am from
because once is never enough
i am from
bare feet on the driveway
i am from
shooting stars and full moons
i am from
the rolling stones on vinyl
i am from
poetry books and lavender tea
i am from
vines encapsulating the brick walls
i am from
lazy sundays
i am from
brown eyes
i am from
never enough snow days
i am from
pausing and rewinding movies
i am from
where time moves a bit slower
i am from
where happiness is the same as sunshine
i am from
home
i am from
here

maybe there is something about being back here/ something about this bed that feels more lonely/ that makes me want to call you/ i wish we could start over/ i wish that night never happened/ for both of us not just for me/ because i loved being held by you/ i loved the way you played with my hair/ i loved the way you wanted me and wanted to show me off/ i wish i met you at a different time in my life/ i want to be able to care about you again/ and seeing you in this place/ makes me miss seeing you in my bed/ seeing you on the balcony/ seeing you in class/ seeing you at all/ i know i should not miss you/ i know i should hate you/ i know i should hate that night/ but i don’t/ i can’t/ i remember you holding my hand/ i remember you keeping me up/ i remember the stairs/ the car ride/ i remember these all fondly/ and then i remember that night in my bed/ the dissonance hits me over the head like an empty beer bottle/ smashing and cracking with every move/ and i start to feel it all over again/ i know there should not be this push and pull/ but if i stop now/ i lose the game of tug of war

i write everyone
i love
into poetry
how telling it is
that i do not
do the same
for myself

the first time:

when she left me
i took salvation in poetry
i searched for the words
i needed someone else to say
they understood the pain
they understood the love
they understood the loss
they understood the longing
they understood the absolute chaos
i filled my life with poetry
reading it
writing it
listening to it
and to this day
my mind and my pen
crave the comfort
the salvation
the home
i found in poetry


the second time:

when i left her
i searched for forgiveness in poetry
how do i forgive myself
for leaving someone
who hurt me
who used me
who took advantage of me
how do i forgive myself
for knowing i could never love her
and refusing to lie about it
when i left her
we both cried
i resorted back to poetry
the only home i knew
the only home i still know

i wrote everything down
every thought
every voice
every story
i found some of the same poems
with new meanings
i am forever grateful
for the poems
that hold me tight
refusing to ever let go

i want to write myself 14 odes
one ode for every minute
it took for you
to break my heart
one ode for every day
in the month
it took for me to tell you
i had feelings for you
one ode for every page
you read in the book
you kept from me
for months
but maybe 14 odes
is not enough
i want to write an ode
for every time i doubted myself
to prove to myself
i have always been enough
i want to write 14 odes
because i want to change the number
i see it everywhere
and just one time
i want it to belong to me

i could have told you sooner
i made up every excuse
i created scenarios
i made myself afraid
i am not sure what to feel
relief or regret
i could have felt this sooner
coming out of the closet
was the scariest thing
i have ever done
but i do not feel
anymore brave than before
i do feel relieved
i do feel loved
i do feel grateful

mom
i am so sorry
i was not ready
and now that i am
mom
i am so scared
how can you ever forgive me
is a lie by omission
still considered a lie
mom
did you know
how long did it take you to realize
i was not going to make this life easy
even though you gave me the world
all of the privilege i could ask for
i would still find a way to make it harder
mom
will you still love me the same way
will you have to grieve the girl i used to be
will you be able to sleep at night
will you blame yourself
mom
it is not your fault
it is no one’s fault
there is nothing wrong
mom
i love this part of me
i love all of me
mommy
please
when you are ready
love this part of me too
love all of me if you can

i am stuck in a place
of so badly wanting to be happy
and doing nothing about it
it’s not that i don’t want to do anything
i do
but there is something stopping me
from changing anything
because what if
when i try to make it better
i make it worse
and i flip the small switch
that brings me back
to that terrible place
and i let myself get swallowed
over and over again
i am fighting this private war
but the battle has come to a standstill
there are no victories
there is no action
i have to do something

i keep thinking about
when she told me i was
“a lot”
she meant it as an insult
i know that
but i do not understand
how being “a lot”
is a bad thing
what she meant
was that my love
overwhelmed her
i felt emotions
she did not understand
or maybe i just understood
those same emotions differently
i loved with every part of my being
i think it is a compliment
to be able to love “a lot”
to be able to laugh “a lot”
to be able to care “a lot”
i have decided that
i am done apologizing
i am ready to wear
“a lot”
across my chest
like a scarlet letter
and embrace the woman
i am now becoming

months after the end of everything
i am finally ready to move on
and i am terrified
that i have too much baggage
to ever be loved again
or to ever be loved in the first place

there is a song
a song only you would know
and when i search for the song
it is gone
no where to be found
it is stuck in my head
but when i look through our playlist
it is no longer there
i scour the internet for hours
searching for the words
hoping i can find it without you
i finally reach out
ask you about the song
you remember the words
the melody
the crackling sound of his voice
but you cannot remember his name
and here we are again
searching for something
that has left without a trace
and maybe we are that song
something only we remember
maybe we are not supposed to find it again
maybe that song ends
and we end too
but it did exist
and so did our love
but like that song
we cannot play forever
yet somehow
my mind will continue to sing
take me back
take me back
i’m sorry we never found our el paso

today when i heard your voice
i did not sob
i was not sad
i was not angry
i was not hopeful
i was not confused
i did not feel
anything
i now know
i am making progress
really ******* slow progress
but to not feel
when i hear your voice
means that i am okay
i will be okay
you are not in control of me
you never were

after this year
you deserve more than an ode
you deserve a symphony
a compilation of
every tear
every laugh
every song
every poem
every doubt
every moment
body
if it was not for you
i would not be here
you are stronger than
i could have imagined
if you decided to collapse
to breakdown
to give up
all i would be able to say
is thank you
how did you do it for so long
but you did not
body
you leave me wondering
what you are made of
i am surprised
that we are one in the same
and body
i know this **** doesn’t matter
but you are beautiful
every scar
every freckle
every stretch mark
every bruise
forms into a painting
colorful and wild and incredible
body
you deserve a million odes
but i only have one
body
thank you will never be enough
but it is all i have
body
thank you

we no longer owe each other
anything except apologies
it took you four months
to bring my things
to our friends house
and four months
for me to even ask
i wish this was easier
i hope only the best for you
use this experience to grow
and i will try to do the same

what i want to say:
i am not coming because
right now
my body is the enemy
and my mind has chained me
to my bed
i have not felt beautiful
or good enough
in a long time
and all i deserve
is this bed
and all i deserve
is this mind
and all i deserve
is right here
i sure as hell
do not deserve you

what i say:
i'll be there in 5 minutes

i told myself
i would write
once a day
and now
i am too sad
to even write
how many times
will i have to
apologize to myself

when i told my brother
he said he’s always known
how could he have known
when i did not
i thought i would like that response
i don’t think i know what i want

i wish i cheated on her
i wish i did something wrong
something i could pinpoint
give me a place on a map
and i will cross the ocean
to find the answer
but there is no answer to this
there is no ocean to cross
there is silence
months of discomfort
there is no location
there is nothing left
nothing here for me
why am i still searching

i'm sitting in the back seat
of the car
my dad behind the wheel
my mom in the passenger seat
sitting and writing
instead of telling them
it is not because
i do not think i'm ready
i am
it is because
i do not think they are
i know they will think
they have made a mistake
i cannot be broken
i do not want them
to try to fix me
enough people have tried
but will they ever be ready
i know there is no perfect time
but all i know is
the time is not now

when everything i asked for
is not enough
to make me happy
maybe there is not an object
to heal a broken soul
i am sorry
i wish there was

to my ex girlfriend who
"didn't like jewelry"
but would never stop me
from getting a piercing

you would not tell me
you didn't like my body
instead you would point out
my flaws on other people
and make sure i was listening
"i hate when people pierce their whole ears"
my laugh is stopped
"oh but not you love"
we sit in the silence she creates

she loved me like she was doing an act of service
look! i can love the girl who feels to much
look! i can care about her
look! she needs me
look! i am doing something good

she broke up with me like quitting a job
she never wanted in the first place
impersonal
unapologetic &
fast
a fourteen minute phone call to end a first love

one day
you will realize
you did not love me
love is not a chore
you do not have to pretend
it is not kind to pretend to love
because you think someone needs it
people are not acts of service
you used me
you stole away my first love
i can never have it back
if you can not love every part of someone
do not try to change them
into someone you can love
one day
when you find a real love
all i can hope
is that they do not play love
the way you once did

one day
you will find our story
tucked inside of
rough drafts
and final copies
of my poems
i think you will
search for your name
and wonder which poems
are about you
ex love
there are poems
that will hold you tight
poems that are the answer
and poems that you will never know
is it you or a new love
and isn't that the beauty of prose
i am finally free
you will not always find the answer
i do not have to be the answer

ex love
i wish you
nothing in excess
not smiles
not sugar
not sunflowers
you do not deserve
to be surrounded
by "a lot"
ever again
you spent
our whole relationship
trying to change me
into something less
you could not love
every part of me
i overwhelmed you
my emotions scared you
when i gave you a lot of love
you could not handle me
maybe you didn't deserve to

i have a terrible habit
of attaching
emotional and sentimental value
to objects
books in particular
so when i gave you
one of my favorites
along with my heart
i expected you
to treat it well
and to give it back
when you were done using it
and now we are here
far past the end of everything
and you still have that book
my first sense of representation
the first book i truly found myself in
and you have now robbed me
of that home
over and over again
i cannot help but be angry

first kiss
you left me with
sandy toes and smiling lips
there was no heartbreak here
no regret
this was easy and carefree
thank you

second kiss
you left me
with the word love
hanging on my tongue
and a 14 minute phone call
to tell me
you could no longer love me
that i was not enough
that you wanted different things
you left me without warning
parts of me are still holding on
to pieces and memories of you
i am still upset

third kiss
you made me feel beautiful
when i needed it most
you made me feel wanted
i think in that way
we both used each other
there were no tears to cry
i am grateful

fourth kiss
when mango svedka
tastes more like assault
than it does alcohol
and your laugh
sounds like a sign to run
i am still scared
of the person
that you left me as
i am still trying to cope

fifth kiss
when you asked
if everything was okay
it felt like a gift
and an act of kindness
you were respectful
of my boundaries
when i needed it most
you helped piece me back together

sixth kiss
i kissed you at a party
there was no romance
no memories
no ties
i felt good walking away

seventh kiss
i have not met you yet
i do not have any expectations
i just hope
you do not leave me broken
like the others
and if you do
i will be there
to piece myself together

when the easy choice
is not the right choice
i am begging you
to pick what is right
not what is easy

you are not worthless
because she makes you
feel that way

you are not dispensable
because she chose to
throw you away

you are not weak
because you let yourself cry
and be vulnerable

you are not dramatic
when people hurt you
you are allowed to be upset

you are not your mistakes
i know the weight of every regret
sits heavily on your chest

you are not
you are not
you are not

the list can continue for pages
there is no need for reminders
of what you are not

note to self
you are enough
you have always been enough
you will always be enough

put everything else aside
you are the question
you are the answer
you are still enough

when i saw a picture of you
i almost didn't recognize you
almost
i am waiting
for the months to
turn into years
and for time to erase
the perfect image
i have created for you

there are still parts of me
trying to forget you
i want to forget the good
i want to erase me
from your memory
not all of me
but just the parts
that made you stop loving me
that is not to say
i want us to be in love again
i do not
but i do not want
every memory you have of me
coated in a thick layer
of regret

best friend
i am still angry
you do not always
get to pick the easy way
without hurting anyone
and it always seems to be me
the one who feels the hurting
i know you are trying
but this is not about you
please
sometimes i just need you
to support me

when coming home
suddenly turns into
going back in time
i do not know what to do
when there is
no where else to go
and i would rather
be anywhere but here

today is the day
where you
turned into nothing more
than a picture
i can gently tuck away
into my memory box

you asked about my poetry
you stopped and asked me
to reread a poem to you

i cannot tell
if you wanted to hear
my voice shake
or if you really cared

you are the only partner
who ever truly appreciated
my writing

and i cannot understand
how there can be
so much good mixed into the bad

you hurt me in a way
that is unforgivable
but you also cared so deeply
about me

how do i forgive myself
for not constantly being angry
for the scars you have left me with

if my body
is no longer my home
where do i belong

i was finally ready
to go home
finally settled
in the discomfort
of being in the same place
as you

all it takes is one message
and i am taken back
to the first day

i do not want to cry

if my tears were stars
there would already be a whole galaxy
dedicated to you

you do not deserve a galaxy
you barely deserve a star

dear body
i am sorry

i have lost control again
she is not our universe

she has never been our universe
we are a compilation
of stardust and tears and skin and bone

we are enough
i am sorry
i let myself think otherwise

i never know
which to write
when i sit down
and write to myself

i have stopped
letting my sober
thoughts and poetry
wander to you
months after
we are over
my drunk poetry
still finds its way
to you
i am sorry

i think i liked it better
when you
completely ignored me
there was no more harsh air
no more bleeding ears
no more impatient tongues
no more broken fingernails
for a moment
there was silence
that no longer felt
uncomfortable
i was so grateful
for those silent moments
when you were not in my mind
and now that you are back
i so greatly wish
for that comfortable silence
to reappear
to wrap me up
to hold me
like the questions
you will never answer
i think
there is some part of me
hidden away
that is still waiting
for you to be the answer
you will never be
my answer

"some of us are born chasing poetry"

chasing heart break
chasing writing prompts
chasing closure
chasing tears
chasing something
our fingers will never
be able to grasp

some of us
are tired of running

sit down
take a breath
there is no need chase
you are enough
you have always been enough

there is no need to chase the wholeness
you can fill
you have always been able to fill

months after you left
slamming the door shut
behind you
i am still
breaking my nails
trying to pry myself
back open

i'm not
i'm not
i'm not

good enough

i don't think
it will ever get easier
to sit next to you

i don't think
the pit in my stomach
will ever leave

i don't think
i really know
how to deal with this

i don't think
i have a solution
for this

i don't think
you will ever understand
the depth of the hurt you left me with

i do not have all of the answers
i do not even have all of the questions

i didn't want to write
anymore love poems
i thought
no one else
deserves my pen
my thoughts
my heart
but i forgot
that it is me
it is my turn
that my love
does not have to be
directed at others
all of the time

i don't think
i know how to be both
me
&
happy
at the same time anymore