what i want to say:
i am not coming because
right now
my body is the enemy
and my mind has chained me
to my bed
i have not felt beautiful
or good enough
in a long time
and all i deserve
is this bed
and all i deserve
is this mind
and all i deserve
is right here
i sure as hell
do not deserve you

what i say:
i'll be there in 5 minutes

i told myself
i would write
once a day
and now
i am too sad
to even write
how many times
will i have to
apologize to myself

when i told my brother
he said he’s always known
how could he have known
when i did not
i thought i would like that response
i don’t think i know what i want

i wish i cheated on her
i wish i did something wrong
something i could pinpoint
give me a place on a map
and i will cross the ocean
to find the answer
but there is no answer to this
there is no ocean to cross
there is silence
months of discomfort
there is no location
there is nothing left
nothing here for me
why am i still searching

i'm sitting in the back seat
of the car
my dad behind the wheel
my mom in the passenger seat
sitting and writing
instead of telling them
it is not because
i do not think i'm ready
i am
it is because
i do not think they are
i know they will think
they have made a mistake
i cannot be broken
i do not want them
to try to fix me
enough people have tried
but will they ever be ready
i know there is no perfect time
but all i know is
the time is not now

when everything i asked for
is not enough
to make me happy
maybe there is not an object
to heal a broken soul
i am sorry
i wish there was

to my ex girlfriend who
"didn't like jewelry"
but would never stop me
from getting a piercing

you would not tell me
you didn't like my body
instead you would point out
my flaws on other people
and make sure i was listening
"i hate when people pierce their whole ears"
my laugh is stopped
"oh but not you love"
we sit in the silence she creates

she loved me like she was doing an act of service
look! i can love the girl who feels to much
look! i can care about her
look! she needs me
look! i am doing something good

she broke up with me like quitting a job
she never wanted in the first place
impersonal
unapologetic &
fast
a fourteen minute phone call to end a first love

one day
you will realize
you did not love me
love is not a chore
you do not have to pretend
it is not kind to pretend to love
because you think someone needs it
people are not acts of service
you used me
you stole away my first love
i can never have it back
if you can not love every part of someone
do not try to change them
into someone you can love
one day
when you find a real love
all i can hope
is that they do not play love
the way you once did