to my ex girlfriend who
"didn't like jewelry"
but would never stop me
from getting a piercing

you would not tell me
you didn't like my body
instead you would point out
my flaws on other people
and make sure i was listening
"i hate when people pierce their whole ears"
my laugh is stopped
"oh but not you love"
we sit in the silence she creates

she loved me like she was doing an act of service
look! i can love the girl who feels to much
look! i can care about her
look! she needs me
look! i am doing something good

she broke up with me like quitting a job
she never wanted in the first place
impersonal
unapologetic &
fast
a fourteen minute phone call to end a first love

one day
you will realize
you did not love me
love is not a chore
you do not have to pretend
it is not kind to pretend to love
because you think someone needs it
people are not acts of service
you used me
you stole away my first love
i can never have it back
if you can not love every part of someone
do not try to change them
into someone you can love
one day
when you find a real love
all i can hope
is that they do not play love
the way you once did

one day
you will find our story
tucked inside of
rough drafts
and final copies
of my poems
i think you will
search for your name
and wonder which poems
are about you
ex love
there are poems
that will hold you tight
poems that are the answer
and poems that you will never know
is it you or a new love
and isn't that the beauty of prose
i am finally free
you will not always find the answer
i do not have to be the answer

ex love
i wish you
nothing in excess
not smiles
not sugar
not sunflowers
you do not deserve
to be surrounded
by "a lot"
ever again
you spent
our whole relationship
trying to change me
into something less
you could not love
every part of me
i overwhelmed you
my emotions scared you
when i gave you a lot of love
you could not handle me
maybe you didn't deserve to

i have a terrible habit
of attaching
emotional and sentimental value
to objects
books in particular
so when i gave you
one of my favorites
along with my heart
i expected you
to treat it well
and to give it back
when you were done using it
and now we are here
far past the end of everything
and you still have that book
my first sense of representation
the first book i truly found myself in
and you have now robbed me
of that home
over and over again
i cannot help but be angry

first kiss
you left me with
sandy toes and smiling lips
there was no heartbreak here
no regret
this was easy and carefree
thank you

second kiss
you left me
with the word love
hanging on my tongue
and a 14 minute phone call
to tell me
you could no longer love me
that i was not enough
that you wanted different things
you left me without warning
parts of me are still holding on
to pieces and memories of you
i am still upset

third kiss
you made me feel beautiful
when i needed it most
you made me feel wanted
i think in that way
we both used each other
there were no tears to cry
i am grateful

fourth kiss
when mango svedka
tastes more like assault
than it does alcohol
and your laugh
sounds like a sign to run
i am still scared
of the person
that you left me as
i am still trying to cope

fifth kiss
when you asked
if everything was okay
it felt like a gift
and an act of kindness
you were respectful
of my boundaries
when i needed it most
you helped piece me back together

sixth kiss
i kissed you at a party
there was no romance
no memories
no ties
i felt good walking away

seventh kiss
i have not met you yet
i do not have any expectations
i just hope
you do not leave me broken
like the others
and if you do
i will be there
to piece myself together

when the easy choice
is not the right choice
i am begging you
to pick what is right
not what is easy

you are not worthless
because she makes you
feel that way

you are not dispensable
because she chose to
throw you away

you are not weak
because you let yourself cry
and be vulnerable

you are not dramatic
when people hurt you
you are allowed to be upset

you are not your mistakes
i know the weight of every regret
sits heavily on your chest

you are not
you are not
you are not

the list can continue for pages
there is no need for reminders
of what you are not

note to self
you are enough
you have always been enough
you will always be enough

put everything else aside
you are the question
you are the answer
you are still enough