i could have said no
when you asked
i didn’t want you to feel bad
but i was drunk
too drunk to say yes
too drunk for yes to mean yes
and you knew that
you should have known that
i don’t know if you knew that
and now
i don’t know what to call that night
to call you
that night is still fuzzy
my memory is blurred
but all i remember
is wanting it to stop
so badly
and not saying anything
i could have said something
why couldn’t i say anything

grandma,
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy

i want to be done
begging you for an answer
i want to be done
caring about your reaction
i want to be done
waiting for you
i've done it long enough
i've tried so hard
i've spent too many nights crying
waiting for something to change
but maybe it is you
maybe you changed
maybe you are not the person
i remember you to be
maybe you forgot how to care
about me
maybe you didn't forget
maybe this hurts you too
but if you can't talk to me
i will never know
but i cannot continue to wait
i want to be done

thank you
for always being "here"
for me
but sometimes
i need you to be here
present
tangible
and i know that is not possible
but sometimes
a phone call
is not enough
sometimes
i need more
a hug
somewhere to put my head
and i'm sorry
that i am falling apart
i don't know what else to do

today
i am remembering
that self care
is not all
bubble baths &
face masks &
movie nights &
spa days &
essential oils
self care is
reaching out
when i know
i need help
and i am terrified
of the response
i may face

i told the story differently
i made it that
a story
i was not ready
but you were
and i liked you
so i said yes
you are the only person
to ever be inside of me
and i have been waiting
a long few weeks
for my body
to shed this experience
to cleanse me
to help me feel new
i do not think
i have ever been
more grateful
to wake up with
a red stain
on my bedsheets

i don't know how to feel
am i allowed to be sad
am i allowed to cry
i did this
i picked this
i hurt you
so i know i don't get to cry
but
here i am
pages wet
ink and mascara running