i don't know how to feel
am i allowed to be sad
am i allowed to cry
i did this
i picked this
i hurt you
so i know i don't get to cry
but
here i am
pages wet
ink and mascara running

but this time
it was me
doing the hurting
i cannot apologize enough
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i never wanted to hurt you
i know that does not mean anything
because i did
i did hurt you
so i will give you every
i'm sorry
i have and hope
you can use them to heal

you told me you wrote about me
that terrifies me
no one has ever wanted to do that
to write about me
not like that
i am scared
i am not ready to do it again
i am not ready to hurt
to get hurt
to hurt you
i know you want more
i'm sorry
i can't give you what you want
thank you
for wanting me anyway

you came with a list
questions you needed to ask
and i sat there
and i did my best
to give you what you were looking for
i know that is what i wanted too
someone to listen
and i am amazed
that you cared enough
to write them down
and i thought
maybe that is your own kind of poetry

i think i get it
what it's like to be
on the other side
and all i want to say
to you now is
i'm sorry

i, too
have poems titled after songs
i can no longer listen to

i can’t even write it down
how i’m feeling
sad
scared
hurt
broken
are not quite right
maybe lost
definitely lost
but that’s not it either
one day
i hope to find the words
or to stop the feeling
whatever comes first