is it bad
that i don't want
to write about you?
this should be new
and exciting
it should be
jumping in without
fears of falling
it should be
sunflower smiles
but i cannot do that yet
i cannot give you the sun
if i have not found it again
so please
be patient
and i hope my pen
will pick you up too

i can't decide
if i am scared
of your answer
or your silence
i wonder if this time
it will hurt less
now that i am used to
being ignored by you
i am hoping that if i
can send the message
i will be able to move on
because i don't think
i can date someone else
until we are sitting at a
comfortable resolution

i write them in my notes
keep them like postcards
i cannot bring myself to send
i want to tell you i'm sorry
because i am
i'm really sorry
i'm sorry
that was the best we could do
i'm sorry
that i asked too much of you
i'm sorry
i acted so selfish
i'm sorry
it has taken me so long
i'm sorry
i cannot bring myself to send
the **** postcard

i am both
happy
and
terrified
to be back here

i like it when
you text me first
i like it when you
play with my hair
i like it when you
hold my hand
i like it when you
kiss my forehead
i like it when you
hold me by my waist
i like it when you
laugh really hard
i like it when you
hold me really tight
and i think maybe
it is because
i like you

i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me

i get excited
when her name
pops up on my phone
when she texts me first
when she asks me to hangout
how lovely it is
to feel wanted
and to want back