i get excited
when her name
pops up on my phone
when she texts me first
when she asks me to hangout
how lovely it is
to feel wanted
and to want back

when i told her
i wasn't ready
all i could say
was i'm sorry
when will i stop
having to apologize
for how i'm feeling
the worst part is
i am sorry
i feel guilty
i wish i was ready
for something new
but i'm not
and it is not because
i don't like you
i really do
but i have been hurt
and i am not willing
to do the same to you

i don't know what i want
but i do know
i am going to need
somebody who is
willing to be
patient
my heart has been broken
my voice has been stollen
i am no longer naive
to heartbreak
and i am afraid to
tell you what i need
because i am not asking
you to wait
but i hope that you
will stay

i am not ready
to jump into
something new
it is not because
i am scared
of getting hurt
again, no
it is because
i am terrified

my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me

today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you

the word
"ex"
has started
to roll off my tongue
it no longer feels
unnatural in my mouth
and i cannot tell
if i like that feeling