i said it out loud
for the first time
if you asked me
to get back together
i would say no
i no longer want to be with you
because
i have never been treated worse
you must know
how badly
you are hurting me
you must know
that i am not okay
you must know
that what you are doing is cruel
because
you still know me
so do not pretend
you do not know what you’re doing  
we both know
you are making me feel horrible
so please don’t pretend
what you’re doing is okay

homesick can’t be the right word
what is the word
for missing a place
that no longer exists
sure,
the buildings are still there
but the place i miss
with the people i miss
is no longer there
so why do i miss it so badly
homesick isn’t the right word
for missing somewhere
that you can never have back

i hate that you still have
so much power over me
and i know
i am the one
giving you this power
the way you can hurt me
like no one else
and how i still dream
about you
like some part of my mind
still needs you
and i don't understand
how you can ignore me
the way you do
because if you ever
loved me the way you
told me you did
you could not do this
erase us
erase me
and i wonder
if we can ever be friends
because what you are doing
is cruel
and i can forgive you
for breaking my heart
but i do not know
if i can forgive you
for hurting me
over
and over
and over
and over
again

when i say "i'm tired"
i do not mean
i'm sleepy
i mean
i am completely and utterly exhausted
i mean
that when i think i have nothing left to give the world finds something else to take
i mean
i want to give up, not want exactly but giving up seems almost inevitable at this point
i mean
how do i feel more drained everyday when i thought there was no water left
i mean
i am not okay and i do not want to lie so when you ask me
"how are you doing?"
instead of saying
i'm okay or i'm fine
i say
"i'm tired"

i am trying
to be happy
it might not look like it
but please, trust me
i am trying
it has not been easy
every breath i take
i try not to fall apart
every time i blink
i try not to see the black hole
i can't help but fall into
so when you tell me
i complain a lot
i have to stop myself
from screaming
you cannot see what it is like for me
you cannot see what i fight against
every day
so when you tell to be happy
trust me
i am trying

i will always admire you
you feel this deep sense of empathy
i have never seen before
you care so much about everything
you feel so deeply and strongly
you always make sure to show me
not only do you care about everything
you care about me
thank you

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails