i hate myself
for needing closure
that you are not willing
to give me
i hate myself
for having to ask
i hate myself
for still caring about you
i hate myself
for still loving you
i hate myself
for not seeing
the way you treated me
was never what i deserved
i think part of the damage
is that when i was with you
i lost part of myself
i began to hate parts of me
that i used to love
and now
i don't know how
to love all of myself
to love the parts
you helped me hate

and when she told me
"it can only get better from here"
i wanted to call her a liar
i wanted to scream
because no,
it won't always get better
and there will be days
when it feels like
the first day all over again
and days where i do not
even think of her
healing is not linear
progress is not a straight line
and when she told me
"things can only get better"
i understood
that she had never felt heartbreak
she has never has the solid floor
crumble underneath her without a warning
and i wonder
if you ever really heal from heartbreak
or if you just turn it into other things
because how can i ever heal from you
i will never forget about us
that is not to say
i don't think it will get easier
but i wonder if i will ever feel
whole again
without the piece of me
i have given to you

and i have to wonder
if things were ever
really good
or did i wear
rose-colored glasses
whenever you were near
love
can make my vision
so cloudy
my love
made my vision
so cloudy
and now
i am having a hard time
remembering
when
if it was ever
really good

i only asked
for you to be honest
you broke me
not in a way
that i won't be able
to put myself back together
i will
but right now
the stitches are breaking
and i am crumbling
and you cannot be honest
i asked you to talk
and you ignored me
just say no
tell me you don't want to
or you can't
tell me something
do not leave me here
sitting
waiting
hurting
reminding me
of our broken promise

i've been looking for any excuse
to talk to you
to text you
to hear from you
but yesterday
i didn't
it was not conscious
it was not purposeful
but it was progress

now that you are gone
i feel this sudden urge
to let you read my poetry
i want you to know
how much i loved you
how much i cared about you
how i wrote your eyes
into constellations
hoping that if i
was able to write it down
i would be able to hold onto it
and i want you to know
that you hurt me
but more than that
i want you to know
that i forgive you
that i am not angry
or bitter
that we do not have to be
a souring fruit
and i want you to have
the moments i have penciled
into my memory
because, darling,
there are poems
that only you
will ever be able to understand

thinking about you
as my ex
feels wrong
***** even
because you are not
something i can
just leave in the past
you are tangled in
my past
my present
and my future
you have seen parts of me
known parts of me
touched parts of me
and learned parts of me
that no one has before
and i don’t know how you feel
but those moments
will forever be tangled
in past, present, and future