If you listen
Pay attention to the beats
But in between
Where the silence lays,
Right there,
You can feel the sadness.
Like an echo,
Barely there.
but still,
It sits.
And if you do not listen to it
Do not wallow in it sometimes,
It will sit there forever.

It's good to see you too my friend
Where have I been?
Making stupid promises
To some old stupid boy
But now that's done.
And you and I are free to do
Whatever we so please
Bleed.
Out everything.
Bleed.
Until my heart stops beating
Because every time it does
I feel the pain of love
Make me bleed
Out all this poisonous
Heartache.
I will be okay some day.
But you,
My friend
Will help me.
Bleed.
What was the point in keeping promises
When it would all end anyway
It's nice to see you too my friend
Where have I been?
Somewhere I shouldn't have.
I'm sorry I waited
So long.

Part of me yearns
So much
To be free
Is this how you feel
All the time?
Part of me wants
To be only me
Do you always
Feel this inside?
Is this what it feels like
To be your own person
To be chained to a thing
You must stay
Part of you likes the diversion
But part of you wants to just fly away
Is this what it feels like
To be independent
To have one eye blinded, the other eye see
Part of you likes to be rested
But part of you wants to be free
Love is just one more word for confusion
When I'm chained down, half-blinded, confused
But maybe this isn't so bad, love
When I'm lying, confused, under you

How can the one thing that keeps away the pain
Be the thing you have to leave?

I want that good ol' stability
The way things used to be
When I didn't have to lie to you
And I felt like that person
Really was me

How can the only ones that use you for a reliant
Be the ones you have to lie to
To keep it that way

The ones you rely on
      Are the ones that don't care


How ****** up is this place?

Let's go back,
Back before I was eight,
Before the times that 'aren't so great'
Before the world showed me 'choice'
Before it stifled my voice
Yeah, let's go back to the core of me
I would bring in the night, howl with the setting sun,
Standing on the petals going as fast as I could
I was free
We made caves out of dirt piles across the street
And mud pies
Before, when the only scars were the scabs on my knees
And my parents still kissed
Every night he got home.

When being happy was easy,
Not a choice

And life was adventure

Oh yes please take us back to
Where the wild things are

I cannot get a grip upon
Who I used to be
Why'd you have to go do a thing like that?
I am so confused
As to why you thought
You were better with me gone
Why couldn't you tell me the truth?

Why would you say all of those things
of forever and promise and love
Up until the very last day
Why would you say those things
When you thought almost everyday of breaking me?

"I'll always be there for you"
How could you say that
Just as you were letting me go,
Pushing me away?
When you weren't at the very time??
Is she that much better?
What makes her so when you told me I was perfect?

But that is a lie.
And you knew it from the very start.
The first time I irritated you or hurt your feelings
How could you do something like that
To someone you truly loved?
You couldn't.

If some things were lies
Who's to say others weren't as well
Who's to say all were not?

How could you lie
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not know?
How could you leave
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not care?

I'd call you
But I know you will not answer
I'd write you a letter
if I knew your dwelling
I'd proclaim your name to the heavens
But I know no god to hear my shame
So I shall only think
and scribble my worthless words
in which your eyes shall never meet.
I love you

Usually so impulsive
I hesitate
Won't follow my throat
to those words
to that place

I am very fond of you
I know
Because I am so jealous
of the things
that I don't

But those little words
imply so much
Take us much farther
than the world of  touch

And if I were to follow
That path where it leads
I would lose my footing
fall down on my knees
lost all over again
on a road
I don't know

Something like a bad dream
Carries around on my shoulder
It is weightless
And I don't always notice its pressure
Every once and a while it whispers
IN my ear
But no one sees it
Every once and while it screams
Jumping up and down
But no one hears it.
Sometimes it will pop up in my face
And look me right in the eye
Sinking me down to its level
But mostly
I don't notice that it's there
I walk around in "reality"
Where life is happy
But with one turn of the head
It is gone.
Something like a bad dreams
Sits and waits on my shoulder
For me to turn my head
And look around
Wondering how I got here
For me to
Remember.
That it is there
It has not gone away
No matter how much I ignore it
It will never go away
Something like a bad dream
Lies in wait on my shoulder
For me to decide:
Which is truth:
The present
Or the past?

To lie beside you every night
Held in your arms as I fell asleep
Woken with the late morning rays
And your smile
Spending our early days
Laughing
Playing piano together, for one another
Talking walks in the brisk early December air
Holding hands
And walking our black lab.
Trying to manage and get by
With our

I want to drink myself
Into a stupor
I want to pinch the nerve
Until it no longer feels

How do I wind myself
Until I am stuck?
How did I crash land
Ont he same stranded island?

Lying ,
And loving,
Choosing
Has never been my best choice

I can't breathe
My eyes are blacked out
Swimming in this murky water

Somehow I can't drown
Yet
I think that is my only way out.

Untie the strings
Cause they're not worth climbing anymore
My hands are getting rope burns
And I can't wait for you to pull me up

I don't care anymore
If I'm drowning in the water

If I'm floating alone in the sea

the pleasure's no longer equal to the pain

So I have to stop climbing

Come on down
if you feel like taking a swim

What do I do
With a love like you?
The light of your heart is so brilliant
Yet I see darkness in our future

Here I have stumbled myself into
What I always Swore I would never touch
I told myself I could not live this hell
My one promise to myself.

And yet here I am.
Playing with fire
Just begging to be burned
Begging to be hurt.

What do I do
With such a perfect love as you?

You are my precious other
And yet you hold his beliefs.

Were they just as foolish?
How will I get through this?

My nightmares
Are not the ones with ghosts and goblins
Not the ones with anger or even fear
No, my nightmares
Are the ones
Where you look me in the eyes,
Smile at me,
Take my hand
And lead me back to happiness.

More and less complicated
Every single day
in every sing way
          in every instance
               every frame of mind
Seeing life more as a game
                 complicated
                                       yet
                                         simple

I would want
nothing more
than to be
           the wind
Free to go
                   do
                      say
            as I please
      no consequences
      no disease

Being born an
'American'
means I want
to live the
'American Dream'?
       I don't
think so mister
      this is
hardly the land
     of the 'free'

selfish fools

I wish there were more evidence than this.
Of the pain so many years way.
Of your tyranny.
So that as the memories fade to grey
As the words don't seem to say what they used to say
The pain could feel like yesterday.
Not just repressed like someone else's distant past.

I wish there were more evidence
Than just the love that I don't have
Than just a hate for my dad
So maybe someone could understand
Maybe he could understand
Why I am so hesitant
Why I cannot turn that way.

Maybe if I had more evidence
He would understand my pain
And fear.

I once knew a boy
Who changed my whole life
Held me in his arms
And kissed me goodbye
Didn't understand
Why he would act that way
I couldn't see
The lights of the coming train

Never again
will we
Stay up all night long
Never again
can I
Listen to your songs

Where did you go?
Why did you have to leave?
Well I hope
You found your peace
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Maybe someday I will
Find my peace

Lay up in bed
I can't forget
Your voice is running
Through my head
Lay down to bed
But I can't forget
The way your fingers felt
Across my skin

Never again
will you
light that ****
Never again
can you
Listen to this song

And that day
you kissed me in the rain
I fell in love
And now I feel the pain

The words inside of me
setting me free
free
letting me flee
So I can run laps
on the things
       that chase
             me
Surprise what
      I fear most
  by facing it
head on

    Who doesn't say
to do such a thing?

   love what you hate
        for the hate that
                    it brings
         love the pain for
                    such things
such beautiful words
such superb
feeling

Pain is beauty
fear is love
there is nothing to
fear
nothing to
run from
It is all beautiful.

Why are you here
Laying in my bed
She gave you what you needed
Besides a place to lay your head

Now you come here
Looking for some shut eye

Or is that all you're looking for?

How do I cure what ails me?
How do I ignore when need radiates from me?
Want things to be the way they used to
How can I get through to you?

Or maybe I shouldn't
Maybe it's better to let dead dogs lie
Rather than dig them back up
And expose your beating heart

What do I do
To resist such an urge
To grab at the shovel
And dig up your heart

For I know it's still beating
Though you're attempting to hide it
I know from the night
That you rose from the dead,
I saw it reaching towards me

But was snagged away

How do I get it to come back towards me
Without scaring it away

How do I
How do I let sleeping dogs lie?

What is inside
that eats at me?
The fact that you might read this
Shouldn't change a thing
But it makes me think,
Maybe I could reach you

              And do what?

Ever since that day
You walked out that door
My heart's been in a box
Underneath the floor
And when I fall asleep
I can hear it's beating
Still to the rhythm of your breathing

But what can I do
this parasitic worm
crawls its way around my organs
the poison that it spreads
Warms them
Keeps them alive
Cause everyday
     I don't hear your voice,
        don't see your face,
        don't touch your skin
Somehow I survive.

"I want you to think about how many
more chances you have."
And at that point
I realized
that at some point
it will be one time too many
And you will decide
You're better off
and turn away
from me.
All these days I have been
believing that we
will stick it out no matter what.
Now
I realize
that is just me.

Well no wonder
You don't stand up
for me
and keep me
a secret.
Now I believe
that's all
I ever will be.

Everything sails smoothly
even on the inside
until I watched that movie
(in the theater we went to on our first date)
and the people that everyone wants together
always end that way.
no matter how many
hardships they trial.
And I know
(as I watch them embrace on the big screen)
that you'll never care for me
never again.
You don't even hurt
like I do
You never have.
(She cries on his shoulder, even when he hurt her)
It never stops
the loneliness
I need you.
But you don't care.
I want you to stop making me fall to pieces
every single day
I want you to stop watching me
(I can see you, even if you don't think so)
No, I won't make eye contact
No, I don't want to be friends.

"Go back to the rock from under whence you came"

You don't even care.
Don't say sorry.
I know you don't mean it.
*******.

You said you loved me but you never did.
You said you trusted me but you never shared.
I need some relief from your memory
I need a release from this

Your ghost
In everyone's words
In stories
In the drugs you commit to
In your songs
In our songs
Your pain
In your eyes
In people's eyes
In your walls
In your words

It's a slippery slide
Everyday
Any mention of you
And I'm on my way
Down
Down
Down
Any mention of you
And I can see in his eyes,
On his way
Down
Down
Down

there are dark times
Where not even words can find me
those times
I can go weeks without writing
why do I experience such breaks?
such immense writer's block
swimming alone in a sea of company
I get lost
The passion disappears
And I feel empty
The words they just won't come
to free me of this misery

Where am I?
Where have my precious poems flown?
I must know so I can
Find a way to follow
Get myself back in sync
With the waves inside this ocean
Lead myself back to god
Try to keep myself open

And when that moment does strike
I am in the wrong place and time
I cannot stand aside
And let the words in my mind
                                             unravel
And I never get them back
They fly away without me
and I am stuck
         can't find their tracks
         And see where they have gone
For if I do not heed them
         They will leave me

Where can I find control?
     Or is that the whole point?
Not being able to have a say
     of when these words will free me
     of where these words will take me

For it seems
        I am a prisoner
           to the thing that
                        sets me free.

Today I thought about you
In that special kind of way
The way that we thought once
Would never, ever fade

So I guess that means it didn't
But there are so many things
That stand in the way
Of what those thoughts used to bring

Now we don't talk
I used to know so much about you
You're older, wiser now
But I know you're still you

I can't ponder at these gates
That don't even exist
Because you are only one
Of the billion things I miss

what is it inside
that you do to me
when I am around you
there is stillness
there is peace
You set my heart free
and I can no longer feel
it's crazy beats
that drive me crazy
when you are around
there is no need for anything else
why did I have
to go and be myself
mess everything up
Because All I Want
is to lay beside you
and count your heartbeats
until they reach infinity
start over at zero
to have an excuse to keep
you next to me

I love you
so much that it burns inside
when you are gone
Touch my skin
and I go mad with lust
You are the one thing
that sets my soul free
and brings the end to
the unending need

I'm fighting for happiness
But it's slipping through my fingers
like the sands of time
that it took you to take your words back
-stop stealing mine
I don't like your sweet teasing ridicules
they burn through my fingertips
whenever I touch you
your kiss seals my lips
from screaming like I want to
Your embrace imprisons me
From running like I yearn to
Your heads stop the fists
I need to make
Your caring eyes stop the tears
Product of the burns you placed on my heart
There's a gaping hole in the emptiness that I put between us
I'd like to sit close
But you don't deserve it
Punishing you
for the shame
of putting me to tears.

This day is taking
months to pass
Cause every new day
Is just like the last
Every dream
that I have
Is hitting repeat
and I have no choice
but to follow my feet
down the
exact same path
the exact same laugh
comes out of my mouth
And I have to
strain for ideas
drain them until
they won't come out
What's all this about?
a smile means
about as much as a frown
The days they drown me
with their continuous
                     ongoings
       where am I going?
           where have I been?

this is all the same
            **NEW GAME

I looked back in the mirror
and said
"My friend
you know,
it's okay,
you already know
if you trip while you run
you can stand back
on up.
Everything will be there for you
Your palace of great joy
Where we will celebrate
by emanating
peace
We won against ourselves."

And I wiped my tears
And stood up to see
The sun
as it shone upon my eyes
It no longer burned me.
I was free.
I am free.
I have found it


the one
Unspoken Truth

You've been holding onto rocks
to keep yourself
from being swept away
your whole life.
None of them
were strong enough
Until one day

You thought you found
        the one

It was big
and it was sturdy
and you clung to it
But it never
clung back.

Now you've been
clinging to this rock
for a very long time
and the scenery has grown old
You've seen all
the seasons
So
many
times.
But you are not drowning
for the most part
And will take this peace
over the treacherous currant
and all its dangers

any day.

Lately you've noticed

this rock does not seem
big enough
anymore.
Have the rough waters
worn it down
without you noticing
or
have you
impossibly
grown bigger?

You cling tighter.
The rock

does not cling back.

A particularly rough storm approaches
the water is
stinging
and bites.

Suddenly

Your rock has crumbled
out
from underneath you.
You cannot
grasp all the bits and pieces
and put them back
together again.

This throws you down
the crazy stream
You bash into boulders.
They leave
Deep cuts
and
Dark bruises

You somehow make it through
rapids
But try to grasp at small stones
Hope one
could be a steady friend

But nothing sticks.

You hold the small remnants
of your lost steadiness
so tight
your skin is bleeding
Even cling to grass and twigs
won't hold
you cannot control
your pathway
anymore.

You fear
a waterfall.

Why was I so looking forward to this?
At least before, the smoke filled the emptiness.
There's no big change in being sober
Except for the fact that my frown won't turn over.
Now it seems only loneliness stayed
I can remember things better
    but who wants that anyway?
At least before I wanted to live.
I had something to live for,
    some comfort to get.
I would rather just forget my dreams
If it meant that I wouldn't always want
To rip at my seams
Till they bleed and they bleed
And I bleed no more.

Cause who really gives a **** anyway?

Where do we go from here
Do you stand the same
As you did before
I know you love me
But do you really want to leave?
Do you just not have the strength to go away?
And if you don't now,
How do you expect to ever?

I am nothing but a country in a civil war,
I cannot trust the things I say,
For I support what each side stands for,
but also what they fight as well.
I cannot trust the things I do
While I am living in my battle's hell.

There's little peepers in my brain
And they see me
Everyday in and out
I try to control what they might see

I try to tell them,
"you're not real,
the past is dead,
Don't tell me how to feel"

I wish I could escape,
be free
from my own watchers
whose job is to watch me

Set me free,
      You don't exist
The past is dead
      And I quit.

I don't often find
sharp edges
on you.
It's startling
to see how easily
those harsh words
mean everything.

That time it was you
and I
recall
a few other times that
you were the cause

Just cause
I pretend so easily
doesn't mean
they don't
cut straight into me

You're not an enemy
But sometimes
the result is just the same.

Strange,
Making you a "failure"
is as filled with guilt
As making him one.

my lips can
touch
in such a way
with yours

makes this
a beautiful place to be.

You would never know what happened
Wouldn't know what the explosion felt like
Till the bomb ticked its final tick
You could never know how you'd feel about me
Till I really beat your heart with a stick.
You used to say "I could never hate you"
How naive you were
Because here you are now
With your face in a frown
Your heart in a stir.
I knew it back then
Just as I know it now
How easy it would be
How simple and quick,
So much that you're sick
No, it wouldn't be hard
To make you hate me.
Because hate is your reaction to pain
Whether or not you give it that name
Hate is still hate
And now you hate me.

the secret's out
the story's in
now for the real game
to begin

no sneaking round
our mouths hushed closed
been caught red handed,
palms exposed.

what will these things
come to now?
what are the new rules?
will I finally get what I deserve
or just to not see you?

Either way the jumbled lock
Has finally found its key
But what's behind this door, my friend?
Guess we'll see...

You think you can pull that **** on me
And still be "the one"?
You must be so blind, babe
If you can't see what you've done.

Don't start pushing buttons, dear
You might just push your luck
Cause I'm done playing games
And I'm done with being stuck.

You just might wanna back up
My wings take up some room
And you can bet that when I spread 'em
You won't treat me like a fool.

All this talk of suicide will
Make me go insane.
I've been around that block before
I can't take that drive again.

I don't mean to sound so callous
But you're upsetting my balance
So if you push too hard
I'd better warn you, I have talons.

Though I won't use them on you,
I will use them on myself.
I've got caverns in my mind
that look a lot like hell.

I want to spread my wings and fly
far from these caves inside my mind
So if you're not going to help
I'm gonna leave you far behind.

Alright?

Living through the pain
With every look
Every single look of hurt
In your eyes
Your suffering
Your sadness
I caused it
I am at blame
For your unhappiness
I am at blame
For that look in your eyes
I toyed with you
****** with you
And still care for you
How could I?
What can I do?
I caused all this pain for you
and there is nothing
I can do about it.

I've been keeping it at bay for so long
letting it loose
feels rusty,
unnatural.

I used to consume boys
like a wildfire.
Teeth and hands and hips.
No second thoughts,
no reservedness.
But I've had to be so gentle,
so plain,
so long

I've forgotten how it feels

like bliss,
like nervousness,
like does my body fit like this
with you

unrestrained action
and passion
and fun

I want to go on.

I want to move forward
so badly
but all this time
a spire
has stood in our way.
I love you as hard
as I could imagine
loving anyone
but still
it's not enough.

I am not allowed to live with you
because they would disagree.
And
we cannot
get married
because you are not free.

You say that you're sorry
and I surely believe you
but
it doesn't change things.

I still sleep
                      alone.
And we lie
                      perfectly.

I don't want to live this way.

I cannot keep doing this.

I need to
escape
escape
escape
escape

the night she crawled inside my mind
i was too scared and lost
to play too much
i couldn't understand the separate
worlds
you both left
and figured it out

but you came back
and i told you in a voice
so happy it seemed scary,
fake, and childish
that i've heard you use
so many times before
"i couldn't handle
being normal anymore"

i've finally gotten over
the fact that i'm insane

The first time I drank away the pain
you weren't there
The first time I drank for the numbness I would
feel
It was release
It was beautiful

I passed out on the couch
And you called me
A couple times around 1 AM
But I didn't answer
Or call you back

And now I always wonder...
What would you have said?

"She's like a broken record.
I can't get her out of my head."

I sit and listen
as you explain your imperfections.
The past is past.
But you're still apologizing
And I still need you to.
I want to be important
to someone
to anyone
I guess your words
will have
to make up for when nobody's here
You loved me
but you left me
you wanted to let go
forget me
forgive me
"I never got over you"

It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.

Lucy opens my mind once again,
freeing it from the box it was locked in
She whispers in my ear
The secret of the universe
of everything
But it scares me

I'm on the brink of no reality
Of the fact that the world is a dream
And that everything fits perfectly

Call it to you
Bring it to you
Let me bring you up to speed

reality is all a dream
everything is everything
is nothing
And you'll find this to be true
Once you give up on the grievances
And let the lovin' take a hold of you

Be free
Unlock your mind with this set of keys
figure out how to break past your sanity
Let yourself breathe

Figure out how to turn the key
Make it used to your advantage
Go to the place where nothing makes sense
Embrace the insanity.
Embrace and look past it

Use it
Remember it in every moment
That your world is really just your own
You make it what it is to be
You are the creator
or your own existence
Embrace it

There's so much more for you to understand
But not just with your mind
You must experience
So here
Take this key
And break down that fence

Free your mind from that box
it is trapped in.