The words you left behind to
           strangle me,
           smother me
I can't get them to stop showing up in my mind
"I don't hate you..."
Are you still really that blind?
Do you still think I'm some damsel
waiting to be saved
But if you're not the hero,
This must be a tragic love story.
In your own mind,
You must have kept
a fabulous character for yourself.

Truth be told,
     I miss you.
The way you used to overwhelm me,
Touch me, kiss me,
how you could chase all my demons away

Where is that simplicity now?

I don't know why
But sometimes I
Just feel like I can't breathe
Sometimes certain somethings
make me lose my inner peace
A feeling comes into my chest
Almost feels like it's not beating
I have to take a deep breath
And remember you're still with me

When I get into those funks
After hearing a sublime song,
Or hearing something about junk
Or just sitting in my head too long
I must be careful, must be cautious
Cause sometimes it makes me nauseous
And to keep from crying too much
I just remember that there's
No Such Thing As Dying

This is a haiku
Of how much I hate your class
*****, I'm outta here!

You've become something
that I don't remember anymore
Come back,
you're far too distant
sway with me
you're offbeat
Why can't you just lose yourself
you're too controlled
be here with me
be one with me
you're far past distracted

What is this even worth to you?
You're scanning down your list
but where am I?
Where do I fit in between these lines?

I'm caught
in the web of an offset spider.
Not caring enough
to eat my heart
and make it his.

Make it yours.
Take it
if you wish.

Is it your fault or mine?
I don't know.
You find yourself annoyed
and bitter at me
more than usual.
I find myself defending
then fighting back
more times than I can count.

You're a cheerful
happy
joyful
person.
But I've seen your razor edge
all the ice you can throw
at someone with your words.
I know your cruel side
Under your charisma
is a dark shadow.
Full of criticism and judgment.

Once I do something wrong,
step an inch over the line,
you're there later
to throw it in my face
use it for your guilt-tripping
I cannot have one word
of defense.

He's pushy
jerky
and pretends to have respect
If you ask me
you guys are perfect for each other.
You have so much in common.

And then I catch myself
with a ***** tongue
speaking slander of you,
my friend.

How can I do this?


Who did we become?

Will you step up to the plate
swing and take your best chance
It's so ******* easy, boy
Just look at the ball.
It's right there waiting
in front of your eyes.
Moment paused
you stand bat drawn back
Staring at this chance in front of you
you act like you're ready
What the hell is your problem, boy?
You flippin idiotic
or somethin?
You look like you're ready
you act like you want to
so swing
the ******* bat already!

Calm yourself, little girl
questions mean nothing.
glances are nothing.
Don't start getting all high and mighty
thinking he's thinking of you.
You're nothing.
You're nothing in his eyes
but a flirty little girl.

He doesn't seem like that?
Well, have you ever thought of what you seem like to other people?
Well it's nothing like you are.

Just remember,
you're no priority in his life
until he proves such.

Don't make him important
if you're not that important to him.

I didn't stop to think.
No, really think it over.
Ask myself: Is this really what I want?
I was going for a quick fix
I thought it would make this feeling go away.
I actually thought it would work.
And the idea made me so,
expectant, I guess.
I just jumped for it.
Now my situation lies
untouched, the same,
with a side of complication.

I was in a hole
And I couldn't climb out
without possibly falling.
So I kept digging
thinking I could make it
to the other side of the world.
What a fool I was.

I shall try climbing.


Even if I could fall.

I'm fighting for happiness
But it's slipping through my fingers
like the sands of time
that it took you to take your words back
-stop stealing mine
I don't like your sweet teasing ridicules
they burn through my fingertips
whenever I touch you
your kiss seals my lips
from screaming like I want to
Your embrace imprisons me
From running like I yearn to
Your heads stop the fists
I need to make
Your caring eyes stop the tears
Product of the burns you placed on my heart
There's a gaping hole in the emptiness that I put between us
I'd like to sit close
But you don't deserve it
Punishing you
for the shame
of putting me to tears.

Everything sails smoothly
even on the inside
until I watched that movie
(in the theater we went to on our first date)
and the people that everyone wants together
always end that way.
no matter how many
hardships they trial.
And I know
(as I watch them embrace on the big screen)
that you'll never care for me
never again.
You don't even hurt
like I do
You never have.
(She cries on his shoulder, even when he hurt her)
It never stops
the loneliness
I need you.
But you don't care.
I want you to stop making me fall to pieces
every single day
I want you to stop watching me
(I can see you, even if you don't think so)
No, I won't make eye contact
No, I don't want to be friends.

"Go back to the rock from under whence you came"

You don't even care.
Don't say sorry.
I know you don't mean it.
*******.

You said you loved me but you never did.
You said you trusted me but you never shared.
I need some relief from your memory
I need a release from this

I was hoping you would be
that passionate, sweet, hidden boy
under a blanket of shyness
that a star whispered
"he is"
I run for you
with smiles written well across my face
my heart agape,
I run.
You sit, smirking your triumph - and power
thy hath a name:
tis love.
Love which controls all
which sends my thoughts, racing
leaves me aching
pacing
What is thy name that hast such control over my even-minded manner?
'tis love, 'tis power.
You are my greedy obsession

And he, my greedy non-obsessed

"She's like a broken record.
I can't get her out of my head."

I sit and listen
as you explain your imperfections.
The past is past.
But you're still apologizing
And I still need you to.
I want to be important
to someone
to anyone
I guess your words
will have
to make up for when nobody's here
You loved me
but you left me
you wanted to let go
forget me
forgive me
"I never got over you"

What a fool of a bear
reaching back inside that hive
only to retrieve a drop of honey
for twice such in stings
sweet, seductive honey
smirking, unaware bees
naive, bashful bear
the world is full of these
The only open hive.
Which matters most?
the honey
or the pain?
Only thing that matters is
one day

there will be no more honey.

I love you, my dear
but you impose so much sorrow
my heart cannot take
the weight
of us both.
Twice the emotions
Twice the concern
Duplication the annoyances
but
Splitting
the happiness
the love
now explain, my dear
how is that fair?
can't you ever help lift my weight
I won't stay
if you cannot bear your own soul
because mine is a dry
barren desert
The only oasis
are in moments of forgetfullness

Stand up on top of your castle
Watch all the pretty lights dance
Come down to join in the party
Trip out and dance

Lucy makes everyone happy
But confused
The outside world is  fun one
But inside
There's a whole nother fun you can use

Psychedelics will open your mind
To the world outside
and the one within
Which are both seperate
         and the same

You can't just be focused on the outside,
The pretty things,
The fame

Inside it is beautiful,
Spiritual
Quiet and secluded
With too much outside
Your brain can get deluded

X and acid, TCB
DXM and DMT
**** and *****
All the drugs you use
Can be abused

That bass can make you lose your mind
Go blind
With all the bright lights
Until your mind's not the only thing you can't find

Unwind
Sit inside Zack's truck
And take some down time
Get your mind unstuck

This place is beautiful
These people are trippin
But if I see one more hot ***
I'm gonna lose my loose grip
and
****** is not sexuality
Peace, Love, Unity, Respect
Help you out when you need it
What's given out is given back

Aesthetic
is a beautiful
but
overwhelming
experience.

Here it come around the bend again
Hope it doesn't lead to just another dead end
Something's stuck inside my mind and it needs to come out
Something buzzing in my brain an I gotta get it out

Who knows
When the pen hits the pad
What it will lead
Maybe how I'll wind up alone again
Or
that there's something there that I can see
Much more than you're letting me see

Something's buzzing
And I gotta spill the beans
Cause until I let it out
I'm ripping at the seams
Brain aching like a broken heart
So I gotta let it out

Brain buzzin like mosquitoes inside
Need my only vice to what ills me
Need to let it out before it kills me
Before it tears me apart
Oh my aching heart
Before it tears me apart

Wish from the very start
That nothing happened
You opened up possibilities
And then just closed the door again
It wouldn't have bothered me
If you hadn't struck my attention
But now jealousy
Is my new worst friend
I can see the way you flirt
Don't tell me that's just how it is
But I can't overfeel this
Since we're just
Friends with benefits

Am I looking too hard
When I shouldn't be looking in the first place?
Am I digging around for clues
In a pocket that's not mine?

How do I stop this insane racket in my head
How do I control my emotions
When we're just friends with benefits?

How can the one thing that keeps away the pain
Be the thing you have to leave?

I want that good ol' stability
The way things used to be
When I didn't have to lie to you
And I felt like that person
Really was me

How can the only ones that use you for a reliant
Be the ones you have to lie to
To keep it that way

The ones you rely on
      Are the ones that don't care


How ****** up is this place?

Untie the strings
Cause they're not worth climbing anymore
My hands are getting rope burns
And I can't wait for you to pull me up

I don't care anymore
If I'm drowning in the water

If I'm floating alone in the sea

the pleasure's no longer equal to the pain

So I have to stop climbing

Come on down
if you feel like taking a swim

I don't like him like you do
But somehow find myself kicking off my shoes
And falling into bed with him
I just can't help the attraction that I'm feelin'
You two, you were meant for each other
Us two, we're just hot for one another
You can't have him,
Your feet all up in chains
Hurt his best friend,
Can't ******' play that game

Now I should back on down
So as to spare your feelings
But when that boy's around me
Man, my head starts reeling
He's gettin' me all dizzy
When he's strummin' that guitar
With those long dark dreads
mmmmm
You know I don't get far

A little too much *****
And my head's not thinking right
I'm gonna do something stupid
And make a hell out of my life

But you know
He makes my head go crazy
When he's strummin' that guitar
And when he strums me with those fingers
mmmmm
You know I don't get far

My deadly attraction
Will be the death of me

I am not your night owl
I am not your midnight friend
You can't just come over
Late in the night
And expect to get with me

We never see the light of daytime
Me and my nocturnal love
You always say you're too busy
When you're really just out havin fun

But the world turns on
And I'm finding you turn
    at a different speed
Your reason for living
Is definitely not my creed

"Get over yourself."

**How dare you?

Look under the board
Turn over the pieces
You know my agenda
But what game are you playing?

The sun is shining brighter
My smile's starting to grow
This load isn't so heavy
I'm just a  traveler with no place to go

Wanderer
But why not enjoy the trip
You've seen what life does
You know what love is
Just continuing in a changing direction

following the path I'm digging

But I want to know

Where's your path going?

How do I cure what ails me?
How do I ignore when need radiates from me?
Want things to be the way they used to
How can I get through to you?

Or maybe I shouldn't
Maybe it's better to let dead dogs lie
Rather than dig them back up
And expose your beating heart

What do I do
To resist such an urge
To grab at the shovel
And dig up your heart

For I know it's still beating
Though you're attempting to hide it
I know from the night
That you rose from the dead,
I saw it reaching towards me

But was snagged away

How do I get it to come back towards me
Without scaring it away

How do I
How do I let sleeping dogs lie?

Welcome yourself baby
to my mind roller coaster
We've posted all the characters
on these specific posters
Put on the outfit;
Same one you wore last time
Play your part
Say your lines
Scripts are underneath your seats
And trust me, it's easier
for you ladies and gentlemen
If you play your parts
Correctly and exact at ever line
Put on those smiles, work as you whistle,
Or you'll start to fall behind.
Eat everything we give you
It will come through
from these slots

We apologize good
"lords and ladies" there art no restraints
In thine seats.
Our deepest apologies
to those who happen to fall.

Now the time limit is different
For everyone in here
Bottom line its:
Your mind will be ****** with.

Are you ready for this ride??

I'm sorry for the things I've done
I'm sorry that I hurt you
I know
after this
I'll never see you again.
I know you're angry
And full of pain
You think I've ruined your life.

But you need to know it's for the better
I would have caused nothing but heartache in your life
You need someone like you
You deserve that happiness,
That security.

                                                   I'm sorry. I love you.
                                                         I hope you find
                                                             everything you're
                                                                   looking for.

Talk my demons down
Till I can't hear them
How many times have you told me
That you just wanted me to **** him
Whatever game this is we're playing
I'm not sure I know the rules
You tell me the one way to win
Is the way that I lose.

Why am I thrown in this cat and mouse hunt?
I've told you time and again
I would leave if you please
But now my mind's wound up in circles
I'm left on my knees

I've read the instruction manual
         So many times
But the pieces still won't fit

Tell me
I don't know your mind
**You have to tell me

Lucy opens my mind once again,
freeing it from the box it was locked in
She whispers in my ear
The secret of the universe
of everything
But it scares me

I'm on the brink of no reality
Of the fact that the world is a dream
And that everything fits perfectly

Call it to you
Bring it to you
Let me bring you up to speed

reality is all a dream
everything is everything
is nothing
And you'll find this to be true
Once you give up on the grievances
And let the lovin' take a hold of you

Be free
Unlock your mind with this set of keys
figure out how to break past your sanity
Let yourself breathe

Figure out how to turn the key
Make it used to your advantage
Go to the place where nothing makes sense
Embrace the insanity.
Embrace and look past it

Use it
Remember it in every moment
That your world is really just your own
You make it what it is to be
You are the creator
or your own existence
Embrace it

There's so much more for you to understand
But not just with your mind
You must experience
So here
Take this key
And break down that fence

Free your mind from that box
it is trapped in.

Back on the cutting board
Back in the hamster's wheel
nothing works quite as well
As the blissful pain I feel

****, cut, or smoke
I need one or all three
I need to feel the happiness
I need some dopamine

Fill my head with cloudy days
Fill it with that ecstasy
Let me drift away awhile
Give me that ******* free

Start a line
**** the pain away
Light me up that spliff

Then give me pen and paper
And let me write this riff

Why are you here
Laying in my bed
She gave you what you needed
Besides a place to lay your head

Now you come here
Looking for some shut eye

Or is that all you're looking for?

Sit and wait for the world to crumble
Lie in waiting for the sky to fall

I hate anticipation
And I hate not knowing
When it will all be gone.

"I think I'm gone next week."
And darkness is cast upon my day
I need you
I love you
Please don't leave me

This might be the last time I get to be close to you
Might be the last time I see your true face
Before they shower you in lies
And take your true face away.

You think you're the only one who has to worry,
you're the only one
who'll have to pay

But I know for a fact
That they'll give you a mask
And you'll change.

I don't wan to have to go through this again
Look into a friend's eyes
and see a stranger
Look into their heart
and not understand its beating.

I want you to stay.

And ever since that dark Wednesday
Your kiss is flat and empty
Maybe you'll never be coming back
Maybe you'll never come to save me

I am constantly reminded of you sourly-choiced absense
And I will not forget
The feeling I would get with one kiss

And every night
And every day
I dream about our past
Why can't these demons let me go to sleep?
Why can't you come back to save me?

Scared of myself
Of the power these hands have
To hurt
and to shred
and to tear me apart

Scared of the one thing I don't have
The courage to face my own darkness
Cause that means I have
To escape my own process

How do you do that?
Fight through the storm
With no tether or boat
I guess this is my one fighting chance
To write and to write and to write
To talk to that no one
Cause that's what I've got left

Until the clouds clear
Until it's warm again
Until someone sends a rescue ship

All I have to do is hang on till then.

I am nothing but a country in a civil war,
I cannot trust the things I say,
For I support what each side stands for,
but also what they fight as well.
I cannot trust the things I do
While I am living in my battle's hell.

I look all around,
Surrounded by darkness,

What led me here again?

Now I am more alone than ever,
Where did you go?
Where have you been?

I want to drink myself
Into a stupor
I want to pinch the nerve
Until it no longer feels

How do I wind myself
Until I am stuck?
How did I crash land
Ont he same stranded island?

Lying ,
And loving,
Choosing
Has never been my best choice

I can't breathe
My eyes are blacked out
Swimming in this murky water

Somehow I can't drown
Yet
I think that is my only way out.

My web, my tangled mess of lies
I cannot till the day I die
Make straight these strings
Which I have knotted

Myself, my only closest friend
For my wrong deeds I can't defend
So I must hold the very hand
That chokes me.

Brought me up from birth
Showed me all that I'm not worth
Scorned me for my individuality
Told me to act more like a "lady".
You've taught me nothing valuable in life.
Unless...
Crying solves nothing...
I don't know is a kindergarten answer...
And to hide in your closet when you're upset,
Are valuable life lessons.
You could never accept the fact
that I was never baptized.
Is that why you wouldn't look my way?
Is that why I cried to sleep at night?
I spent my whole childhood, growing up,
thinking that I just wasn't good enough.
But now I've realized: that's wrong.
I'm wrong? **** that.
Perfect to your community
Silent within your home.
We never knew if silence
was better than being scorned.
You always blamed her,
blamed her for this perfect life you didn't have.
You always blamed us,
blamed us for taking her hand.
Take a look in the mirror, dad.
You have some imperfections yourself.
You're life is not perfect
Because you made it that way.
Do not expect my pity.

For I am
Far better a person
Than you will ever be.

This poem is a tribute to the broken-hearted
The trampled on, the stompled on,
the hurt, and the cheated.

Those fighting the fight
for normalcy, for sanity.
Struggling against the painful beat
of the life-support.
To those dazed and confused,
time passes quickly.
Those who've lost their footing,
lost their harmony.
To those who hail from broken love,
the ones trying to break the chain.
to unmemorize the memories,
The unwanted, the replaced.

To all those trying not to make connections
with every single thing,
Those trying to find their melody,
remember how to sing.
Those trying to get out of bed each morning
without falling on the floor.
Those who can't catch their breath anymore.

You will be free.
You will survive.
And you will thrive.

"If you only knew all the love that I found,
It's hard to keep my soul on the ground."

Oh how cliche to say
that you are my Romeo and I am your Juliet.
But that's as close as I can get to describing this dilemma
Without describing my parents.

You are beautiful.
Inside and out
Whether you choose to believe it or not,
I will convince you of it.
You are the most wonderful thing.
And honestly I think I can tell the difference now
So don't tell me I'm wrong.

Why do I have to find you so perfect?
Why does this have to be so perfect?

Why do you have to leave so soon?
Why do you have to commit to
the one thing I hate most in this world?
I cannot be with you forever
no matter how I want to.
No matter how I'd love to.

Because I can't ruin your life,
my own,
and my future family's.

How cruel a world, making me let you go
"For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

And now I play the opposite role
Read from the opposite script
You read the lines that once were mine
And I'll read his.

How did I become this part
The liar, sneaker,
The one who loves less
And you became who I was once
The one who
Accepted second best.

I couldn't stand the way he was,
But loved him still
You cannot help the things you do,
The way you feel

How do I go on this way
Practicing these lines.
I look into these empty eyes
And see him inside

Recite with me these endless lines
Play the timeless role
We play these all too familiar parts
In our own love show.

It's the bittersweet irony of life
That I should find you
I tried to resist for so long
But I fell into the snake pit.
I lie in comfort while you hold me
But what about the day
When your hold
Wraps around my neck

But I try not thing think of that
Because you've got me in your grasp now
And I can't escape the boa's grip
So
Think of it this way, my friend

What's more exciting than living your nightmare
What's more insane than being eaten alive?
Let yourself free-fall and make all the wrong turns
You are embraced by the one thing you fight

I watch their worried stares
As I lie here in the snake pit
As the boa wraps himself around my heart
But I don't struggle,
No I'm not crying
For there is no stopping this once it starts.

Let's go back,
Back before I was eight,
Before the times that 'aren't so great'
Before the world showed me 'choice'
Before it stifled my voice
Yeah, let's go back to the core of me
I would bring in the night, howl with the setting sun,
Standing on the petals going as fast as I could
I was free
We made caves out of dirt piles across the street
And mud pies
Before, when the only scars were the scabs on my knees
And my parents still kissed
Every night he got home.

When being happy was easy,
Not a choice

And life was adventure

Oh yes please take us back to
Where the wild things are

Look at what you've started
Now, just look at what you've done
Who the **** do you think you are, little girl,
That you can go make a mess of things

Restart the counter,
Countdown the clock
Start another round
Pain ******

Look at the **** you cause

The fire you continue to fuel

Was it worth it?

Just three more days
Until I get my baby back
Just three more days
Til I can kiss his hand again.
Tell me how am I to pass the time
Every second is a countdown
Yes,
This weekend
I'll hold my beautiful lover
On Friday
He'll get to hold me too.

It seems like it's been such a long time
Since I ran my fingers through his hair
Seems like it's been a million years
Since I last held his hand.

Oh everyday I pray,
Wish for him to come home to me
Where we can stay forever
On everyday I wish,
Hope for him to say he's coming back to me

And that he's never gonna leave.

Just three more days...

What if the afterlife
Was whatever you wanted it to be?
What if the heaven that existed
Was the heaven you believed?
Would you still follow all their rules
Would you still believe in one
Without me?
What if it was whatever you wanted
Would it still be the place they tell you to believe?

What if we were all free?
Free to make up our own minds
About what lies past that door.
What if we had never heard
Of a person named "God" before?

What would our own souls choose?
What would our own minds think up?

If we could create
Any heaven we wanted,

What would your heaven be?

You made those nights
Ones of perfection
But now the devil's knocking at my door
And I'm afraid I have to let him in

He makes this place so miserable
When he hangs around
I wish you were back with here with me
So you would kick him out

Get rid of all this sadness
I carry on my back
Save me from when
The panic attacks.

I can't breathe with you gone
I can't smile, can't live
I am all alone
And I need you

Chase this devil out of my life
He brings nothing but misery.

When did you become
Blank words upon a screen?
When have your three words
Meant less than everything?

I'm lost without you here
Cold and dark and lonely
Untouched,
Ignored by those around me

Where is my knight in shining armor
While I'm wasting away
I am stuck inside this dungeon
Blood on my feet,
Dirt on my face.

They eye me.
Those with their ***** fingernails and chipped teeth.
But even in this hell
I still can fight.

For there is a light
Far up above
That says maybe,
Maybe you'll come back to me.

Your voice is ringing in my ears
Your face embedded in my eyes
I dream about you constantly
Can't sleep without you on my mind
It would not be right for me to touch
To kiss your lips or hold your hand
But your touch gives me electric shocks
And stay away, I know I can't
But impossible this fiddler's game
I cannot trust my heart
I know you'll go see her today
Oh, desire's painful art
My love is not my enemy
But not a closer friend than you
His heart loves me so sweetly
But my heart has not been true
So boy please do move on to her
She's such a better choice
And if I cry, ignore my tears
Or the dire plead in my voice
I love you but I can't have you
I'm chained to my commitments
So friends we'll be but lovers not
-

It is the building up of things overtime
Like the uncontrollable cry
It is the feeling of the overwhelming
Piling on your shoulders.
Life swooping down
And crushing you in its talons.
It is the dark romantic ******
The finish.
The release.
The static and the scurry
The overwhelming
The rush, the pain, the ending.
It starts as only an idea in the beginning
But ends up as something unavoidable
The act that is harm,
Secret,
Told to no one.
It takes away the care.
Makes you numb.
Saves the day
In the day of darkness.
Who ever thought that such an act of pain,
And act of restriction,
Could bring such peace, relief, control.
On one thing to focus.
Not a million.

If I could pause time I would
Pause reality
Pause facts.
Pause jobs, and homework,
And class.
Pause all but me and you.
I would.
If we could live our lives uncensored, unnoticed
Just together
For however long we please
The unpause
And you got to being you
And me back to being me
I would.

Sometimes people come into our lives
At the wrong time
You either make room for them
(No matter how uncomfortable)
Or you push them aside.

I am lost.
I do not know where
You fit
In this hectic life of
Mine.