suppose we splinter at times.
i remember splitting knuckles on gravel and
tar. staring at the insides of my traitor hands, thinking it was remarkable how pain looked so
different, so comforting as opposed
to how it felt

love is not a safe word
it’s one haiku revised 400 times
on cracked leather chairs in the corner of cafés

some of us love badly
she says as she kisses the rim of her glass.
some of us love stretched out
like pizza dough that rips when our rolling pin rolls it too thin.

some of us love in secrecy
we do not trust your hands.
you try to pull our scalp off and draw your portrait on our mind

some of us love clean
like bubble bath that smells like lavender from some fancy store in the mall
some of us love *****
we cant clean you off our skin

some of us kiss with our teeth
some of us braid our lovers into our hair
and when we remove the hair tie
it is crimped and messy and tangled

some of us love love
but only far from home
when we slip into bed we start thinking
and we can’t stay still

some of us wash our clothes even when they don’t smell
or aren’t stained
just because it feels like you are inside of our shirts and pants and sneakers

some of us walk alone past your house
on the way to ours
and stop at the front step
waiting for you to come out
and smile at us
the only thing we wait for today
are the smudged signatures of snails
scrawled across your pavement

some of us love to the bone
until there are no more “ifs”
just “is” and “are”
the collected poems of our fingers
swollen, bruised, red like a bouquet of roses

some of us love
and we regret it
we never get home in time for dinner because of it, we leak like a faulty faucet, we sleep with our pillows over our heads to keep everything in
but some of us love
some of us own a watch and know the time with a glance at our wrist, some of us own a sponge to soak up the water, some of us own satin pillows that feel like whispers on our cheekbones

chances are meant to being let go by us for those we care the most. in my past, too many mistakes have been done that became a consequence of who i am now - a mistake. i often make the wrong choices and the splurt out the most stupid words. i am like a flower in a glass jar, it wilts as days go by - even with the presence of water and sunlight. but trapping me inside it won't help me or anyone else around. and the falling petals are my chances, which falls one - by - one. i was freed once, but not anymore. i am trapped in this cage of someone else which ends up being a cage of mine. i choose to stay in here, no interaction with the outside world. now, i am too tired to fight for me

i am always not good enough.

and there is no one to be blamed except for myself. i took the wrong step and these are the consequences that i have to bear. and i have to change me, be a different me. not me. but someone else, satisfying enough for other people. i hope that'll work

i wonder how can someone be such a disappointment and a blessing at the same time?

extremely sad is how i am.
i want to be utterly mad
and selfish
about life
and myself.

the purpose of my hideout is to live a low-key life. to live life as if i was invisible and not being known by everyone i passed by. i thought that covering up will do the job, it didn’t. i wanted to not be seen and hoping no one will notice my existence thus i can focus in my studies better. but no, apparently it is not the life i thought i would have. i might just rethink about keeping it on or just taking it off for good. God gives us reminders in so many ways and we will only be able to understand it if we open our clean hearts wide enough. repenting is the only choice i have left now. i wish to not continue this life of hiding. i’m tired of  faking behind the mask. this is totally my fault, thinking that i know better than my parents, better than Allah. all i hope right now is that He’ll forgive me for my sins, i wish to be better by trying to be more “modest” – not worse. based on my experience, i’d definitely tell people that your clothes does not really define yourself, it might help for a while but if your heart says no, it won’t. only wear it once you are ready. only put on the burden when you are 100% sure that you are strong enough to carry it around with you. the two weeks of semester break will be my two weeks of building up my walls and shields back. people will start talking, might be mocking for my dumb decisions. but i wish to focus in my studies and that is the only thing i wish to achieve right now. this semester is about to end and i wish to start a new book next semester. i hope it will not be too late by then. i hope