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061017

Hindi pa kita kayang harapin
Na sa bawat pagkakataong nariyan ka na'y
Pilit pa rin akong lilihis ng landas
Habang kinakalma ang sarili ng mga salitang:
"Wala kang nakita.
Ayos ka lang."

Sa ilang beses kong pagpapalipas ng oras
Sa paglimot sa pagbungad ng kahapon sa ngayon,
Ginapi ako ng pasa sa buo kong pagkatao.
Namanhid ang puso,
Kakaiba ang hiwaga pagkat nabuhay pa rin ako.

Nang sa kahit isang saglit man lang
Ay nanatili pa rin akong pipi ngunit hindi bingi
Na parang nalimot ko na kung paano bang magsalita
Ngunit ako'y inugatan na
Sa paghihintay sa sagot na sayo lamang hinihingi.

Na para bang noon,
Ang lahat ay may bayad.
Parang lahat ay bawal,
Kaya nagnakaw ako ng tingin sayo.
Oo, hindi lang isang beses
O dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima,
Anim, pito, walo, siyam at sampu.
Naubos na ang pagbilang ko sa bawat sandali,
Na inabot sa iilang taon --
Hindi ka pa rin bumabalik.

Doon ko kusang naintindihang:
Kalakip ng bawat pagnakaw ng panahon
Ay ang bawat bitak sa pusong noo'y wala pang lamat.
Napuno ito ng alikabok sa hindi ko pagsisiyasat
Kung may buhay at pag-asa pa bang mabuo
ang larawan ng tayo.

Na sa bawat pagpunit ko ng bawat larawan sa aking isipa'y
Paulit-ulit lamang akong nakakatikim ng pagkatalo.
At sa huli, ako rin pala ang darampot sa mga ito
At isa-isang ipagtatagpi sa kabila ng matinding pagkapagod.

Nang ilang beses akong dumistansya sayo
Isang dipa, isang kilometro,
Ilang munisipyo at ilang mga isla.
Bagamat nagtangka pa rin akong
Bumusina ng katapatan sa pintong paulit-ulit **** pinagsasarhan.

Nang muling mabahiran ng kakaibang ningning
Ang aking mga mata
Na tila may mahika ang bawat **** ngiti
At muling nagkakulay ang puso kong dating kaydilim.
Nang mapagtanto ko ngang: hindi kita nakalimutan,
Hindi ako nagmahal ng iba,
Naghintay ako --
Kahit may iba ka pa.

Dumungaw ako sa ngayon
At dito ko nasaksihan ang hiwaga ng paghihintay.
Na sa pag-aakala kong paulit-ulit ang nasa kalendaryo'y
Mauubusan din pala ako ng dahilan --
Dahilan para magtanong kung babalik ka nga ba.

Nang mahalin mo na rin ako nang buo
Nang kusa **** ibigay ang tiwala at katapatan mo.
At sa minsang pagyakap mo'y
Gusto ko na munang huminto
At magpasalamat pagkat narito na ang sagot --
Pagkat narito ka na at hindi na ito isang panaginip.

Na hindi ko maipaliwanag na ikaw ang dahilan
Ng bawat butil sa mga mata ko noon.
At ang dahilan
Ng bawat kirot na mas maingay pa sa mga kuliglig pag gabi
At pilit kong pinatatahimik sa aking pagtulog.

Parang kailan lang nga --
Pero ayoko nang magkunwari pa
Ayoko nang magtago sa madilim na mga ulap
Na pilit na kumukubli sa pag-ibig ko sayo.
Tama na, pagkat nahulog ako sa sarili kong patibong
At ngayon --
Ngayon nga'y mas mahal na kita.
Society called me
He gave me a name, a bunch of names.
So I walked the eggshells,
Peered through narrow gaps
Where curtains never met
At moon's glow or sun dull.

The pale yellow sunrise wished me Goodluck
I wanted him to be a night
So I closed the windows --
Haunting nightmares even if it's still daylight.

The sharp barks made an odd sound
People had slid wrists and knees scars
Where they too, had once dreamed
Laying themselves on the sofa by the wall.

A man opened my door while it was still dark
And in his hands was a chess board.
He said, "You didn't play well,"
There I saw his clothes -- torn.
His blood was drippin'
kissin' the laminated flooring.

A reverie --
I was in bed the next mornin'
With the chessboard beside me.
"The eggshells are fragile, and so are you"
The man left me a note.
I cried like a child, reminiscing about the old days.

The picture of mama and papa on the staircase,
They quarrel for a penny.
The laughter on the balcony
When my siblings and I had choco chips for midnight snacks.
The melody of the guitar
When my breath runs dry out of tune.

It was all in my memory,
Fresh like a heartbeat reborn.
My flesh was weak,
That's why I had these shutters all day long.

My days of years --
Society in different persona calls me.
And every day, each calls me
In adjectives and in digits.
Throwing me in suspense and horror
But I realized I was not in a movie of terror.

I met this man who had a key to my room
And I wonder why I have let him in.
My house was a disgust when I look at it with my eyes
But when his footsteps left imprints,
He had me in tears.
For the years that I've spent
was simply shredded with fears.

So again, I was looking for this man
But have never seen him.
But I was still searching for him
I am alive in just a chess board game
And how could it be?

Yes, in a chess board game
He had me "checkmate."
I won as he has won and I was reborn --
When I met this man.
Kagaya ng tubig, aagos ang pag-ibig.
Ang tubig na inihasik mo sa dagat
Ay aanurin din papalayo sayo --
Papalayo ngunit sana'y papalapit ang takbo.

Ilang beses ka mang magtaya
Ay hindi mo matatantiya ang panahon
At ang pagkakataong nasa kamay mo na,
Ayan, biglang maglalaho at bubusina
Ng "paalam, pagsinta."

Ilang beses ka mang magtapon ng barya
Aagos pa rin ang tubig
At hahampas ng paulit-ulit sa sagradong buhangin.
Mananatili sa ilalim ang bawat **** hiling
Ang hiling na sana'y hindi ang alat ng dagat
Ang dumampi sa nilihang lalamunan.

Kumanlong ako sa mga butil ng buhangin
Nang muli kong mapagmasdan
Ang ilog, ang sapa, ang talon at ang dagat
Na nasa iisang garapon.
Uminom ako, at doon naglaho ang istorya
Ako'y napukaw ng buhanging pambara.
052317

Birds chitter as every green structure
Fails their promises of love
Written in letters in an invisible sky
As they sang the ocean's death of goodbyes.

Fueling the savory bite
Of ala-Krispy Kreme in their tummies,
They drown in their melodies
Of drop and failed stories
The rugged soil was a false hope,
Even if they taste the aquifer's best.

They should've not departed from their own kind
But they've loved being sprinkled with the fiery mirage.
Force majeure was their allied forces
As the scissors of vetiver held back the fiber mesh.

Both live and dead loads are alive
And the ocean cries -- defying gravity.
But the level has not been measured enough,
The waters worshipped themselves
And there's no sign of hue of Heaven's crystal clear.

I have loved to see everything enough
To sing theories and to paint them in dramatic history.
But as I've tried to plant another tree
Life has not sprouted coz it's a different summer now.
0517

I saw you
And your head held high
But was never pride.

I heard you
And your words tore me down
But it was never a waste of time.

I closed my eyes
And I had my eyes open
I can never have you
So now, I disowned you.
0517

I felt the streams as I indulge the beauty
The beauty I have just known now.
I was mesmerized by the heat of the sun
And how it has calmed me down.

I am the ocean waiting
And at last, I can strike into the depths of the bigger ocean
I can jive in the rhythm of waiting
While holding on to its steel foundation.

It was so deep and I can never hold it
I was bursting into tears, not from my eyes
And seeing the rain fall, I can no longer hide
A dream cherished until it lasts.

The salt of the sea melts me down like igneous rocks
And it scattered through the deepest abyss
And was poisoned to death
Until it seems it has no breath.

The raging seas and its sword were about to come
And they extended their stay
And it was so cold like a summer breeze
Like the neap tides raging until dawn.

The sky pours down it tears
And it fell into blast but an absolute hymn
And the flood came, washing out every memory
There, I have forgotten my entity.
050917

I found you --
I chose to love you without return.
The kind of love that tested me,
More than a thousand heartbeats
The love that I waited for so long.

I found myself --
The love that was once silenced
Was brought to a halt as pain arises.

And I was deeply hurt
Hurt but there was no regret.
Hurt that brought me to repentance,
To forgiveness and redemption,
To surrender and trust.
To love you while keeping no record of wrongs,
To love you more than before,
To love you as new as in the beginning.

For He found us --
As we're lost for how to love each other
We've defied gravity, somehow denied prosperity.
Are we afraid to lose one another?
Like fallen leaves in moody weather.

But still, He restored us
We're mended by His healing hands.
He brought us back to His love
The only love that rescued us
The only love that can truly change us.

I found us --
You and I are never enough.
Loving you is never easy
But it's simple as this:
I want to stay until it's dawn
Until the sun and moon collide
Until we're found by His time --
To stay with you in His arms.

For in this day, there's no "us"
No more "we can," but "He can"
I count one, two, and three
This love is of grace --
From beginning to end, it is His.
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