last night i slept but three hours
was sore from my exam
my legs muscles had tightened
to the point before tears

but i had three pills of adderral
two full shots of caffeine
a couple minutes of napping
and maybe some nicotine

working was just six hours
with no meal in between
i have to catch up on homework
the curves not weighting for me

i never strived for perfection
i just wished to survive
a little baby mes waiting
until the day arrives
for the day it gets better
ive always been quite the fighter
but does it really get better

i grew up with the bullying
it all nothing but cruel
and there was not much depth
nothing else but whos cool

until I struggled in school
they said its *** of daddys absence
and maybe it was
but it was also my brain

see im just a little broken
but i was born this way
some call it underdeveloped
but if you ask mom its fake

but to me its so real
theres nothing much going on
they say study harder
but all my works not enough
and maybe life is just rough

but I remember the roughest
when daddy didnt come home
and I swore that I loved him
and mama told me 'i dont'
but mama i dont believe you
and maybe she didnt either
but daddy sure didnt at all

he just kept drinking and drinking
and then he wrecked his own truck
he didnt come home for days
i wondered if he was

i hoped that he was just drunk
and he was
he was way past hung over
he was broken and bruised
but this time i could see it
in the red in his shirt

i pulled away for the first time
i remember his tears
and for once in a bit
they were actually real

then he brought us back home
and he really did try
it was rough at the beginning
and for my mama i cried

it was four long months
in a small childs bedroom
it was okay on the floor
better than any day before

and his career slowly started
and i had all my friends
they had moved on without me
i said thats okay ill pretend

until it was finally better
just a taste of the privilege
it never did last forever
*** daniel wasnt an angel
he was so far from the truth
because his lover was everything
and thats all that he took

so my daddy felt frightened
my big sister was threatened
and they moved in a hurry

but i was here in my privilege
it a beautiful mansion
prescription drugs for the stupid
i tried to hold back the tears
tried to be here and fine
but it was not at all fine

i didn’t place into calculus
not even the second try
and so i did it again
then daniel stabbed a front driver
a hatchet straight in his hood

three bullets stayed in his spine
it was early in the morning
headlines flashing red
and i swear he was
ive never hated policemen
and i cried for him mostly
more than i ever did dad
tell me how wicked it that

and now here i am sitting
im already late to work
yesterday running late to class
and never early to bed

i first let this boy in it
what an utter mistake
maybe i knew he would play me
wondered what more i could take

*** if he came to know me
every weight tied to my ankles
he might not even care
*** he really wasnt that strong
no he wasnt at all
but his blue eyes they charmed me
or rather sparked and lied

the constellations werent lowered
his skin was not of my soulmates
it was all the beer talking
every night before sleeping

i failed to fight the addiction
just as daddy had then

i never smile in the mornings
kinda wish i was

my love,

you didn't need the explanation.
but I'm ready surrender to your demands.
though you should know,
you'll need to follow these of mine:


I didn’t need to feel pretty.
I didn't want to hear sweet words.
I didn’t want a one way mirror.

I need to feel valued.
I need to hear honesty.
I need to see sincerity.

so one: I need something so real, I can grasp.


I didn’t like false hope.
I didn’t like waiting.
I didn’t like wasting my time.

I like butterflies in my stomach.
I like patience.
I like paying attention.

now two: I need something everlasting, timeless.


I wasn't into being ignored.
I wasn't into praising your humor.
I wasn't into mandatory coffee in the morning.

I’m into sharing my stories.
I’m into witty banter.
I’m into not talking while we study.

here's three: I need something rooted in chemistry


I didn't care that you've ****** the pretty blonde.
I didn't care that you've got all those zeros in the bank.
I didn't care that you're so "white" and privileged.

I cared about your dad.
I cared about your hard work.
I cared about finding the real you.
that's my only promise.

four: I need you to know your worth, and understand.


I care about my body.
I care about my heart.
I care enough to tell you,

I hated your ocean eyes.
I hated your dumb dancing.
I hated your poison kisses.

because they made me forget,
I love my warm stare.
I love my free spirit.
I love my contradictions.

my last is five: for you to leave me today, don't dare let me cry


remind me your only demand was for me to not love you,
remind me your shallow i's never weighed more than mine,
only then I'll admit ultimately, that you were right.

she’s witty and she's pretty
a vision through diamond clarity
she’s glowing with prescription poise
grasping for a world just past the noise

discovery of ever-consuming love
she feasts on the first a bite satisfaction
a reciprocated interest from a boy
she embraces fulfillment and utter joy

but returning to her static default
she’s reaching for the control
a dictated pause with a faded button of play
a breath of a skip and the idle habit on the counter it lay

maybe the pause is just scratch in the disk
or maybe the player can’t read a record
but a glance on my palm, and its scratched

a raw serenity forced into a palm
tracing in gay, throbbing they lay
but they’ll erase
just another pill and reread.