(1965) Transcript
Recorded December 12, 1965 (released 1971, produced by John Judnich and Frank Zappa)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hahahaha, you like this? Be weird I have no pants onโฆ
The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nunโฆjust on Fridayโs.
I canโt work with this thing..itโs aโฆisnโt that funny? Backstage I really loved it and I fooled around with it, but I canโt itโs tooโฆuhโฆIโll work around it.
Does it look religious? It looks sorta religiousโฆ
Yeah, heh hehโฆthatโs it. Thatโs faith and goodness. And veneer.
Thereโs more Churches, and people that work for the Church then I think there are eh, courthouses. And Judges. So actually what it is, Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises, and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries and they have one government and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise, you can apply it to the geography, whateverโs cool for that area. And then you pay the bread to the Main Office, and you have to keep a certain standard. Which is cool. But it is definitely a government by itself, and I think thatโs what weโre doing in Vietnam. Because the Communists are a threat to those jobs. Thatโs where itโs at, and I think thatโs what itโs always been, that those two factions are always *******โ and fighting with each other, and so actually we have the Catholic government inside our government, and they have this ***** with the Communists because theyโre always fighting over the work, you know, and when they take over they do them out of a gig, so what happens is thatโฆ because Catholicism is here, and the people who work for it are here.
And thatโs another big problem, the people canโt separate the authority and the people who have the authority vested in them. I think you see that a lot in the demonstrations, because actually the people are demonstrating not against Vietnam, theyโre demonstrating against the Police Department. Actually against police men, because they have that concept of the law that the law and the law enforcement are one, and it started:
โSo weโll have to have some rules, thatโs how the law starts, out of the facts, letโs see. Iโll tell you what weโll do, weโll have a vote: weโll sleep in Area A, is that cool? OK good. Weโll eat in Area B, good? Good. Weโll throw our crap in Area C.โ So everything went along pretty cool, everyone is very happy. One night everybody is sleeping, a guy woke up pow got a face full of crap, and said, โHey whatโs the deal here, I thought we had a rule? Eat. Sleep. And crap. And uh, I was sleeping and I got a face full of crap.โ So they said, well, ah, the rule is substantive. Thatโs, see, thatโs what the 14th Amendment is, it regulates the rights, but it doesnโt do anything about it, it just says thatโs where itโs at. Weโll have to do something to enforce the provisions, to give it some teeth. Hereโs the deal, if anybody throws any crap on us, while weโre sleeping, they get thrown in the craphouse. Agreed? Guy goes, โWell, everybody?โ Yeah. โBut what about if itโs my mother?โ You donโt understand, your mother will be the fact, it has nothing to do with it, itโs just a rule. eat, sleep, and crap, anybody throws any crap on us they get thrown right in the crap house. Your mother doesnโt enter into it, everybodyโs mother gets thrown in the craphouse. Priest, Rabbiโs, they all go. Agreed? OK, agreed. OK, now going along very cool, guy sleeping, pow he got a face full of crap. Now he wakes up he sees heโs all alone this guy, and he looks and everyone is having a big party. He says โHey! Whatโs the deal I thought we had a rule? Eat, sleep and crap, and you just threw a face full of crap on me.โ He says โOh itโs a religious holiday! And, uh, we told you many times that you were going to live your indecent life and sleep all day you deserve to be thrown crap on you while youโre sleeping, and the guy said โ*******โ. A ruleโs a rule and this guy started to separate the Church and the State right down the middle pow. Hereโs the Church rule and hereโs the federalist rule. OK, everything going along very cool, and guy said, โWait a minute, although we made the rule andโฆhow we gonna get somebody to throw somebody in the craphouse? We need somebody to enforce it. Law Enforcement.โ OK, now they put the sign up on the wall WANTED LAW ENFORCEMENT, and guys apply for the job. โLook, hereโs our problem, see weโre trying to get some sleep and people keep throwing crap on us. Now we want someone to throw them right in the craphouse, and Iโm delegated to doing the hiring here, and, so, hereโs what the job isโฆThey wonโt go in the craphouse by themselves, and we all agreed on the rule now, and we firmed it up, so thereโs nobody getโs out of it, everybodyโs vulnerable they get thrown right in the craphouse, but you see, I canโt do it cause I do business with these ******* and it looks bad for me, you knowโฆSo I want somebody to do it for me, ya know, so I tell you what, hereโs a stick and a gun and you do it. But wait til Iโm out of the room, and whenever it happens see Iโll wait back here and watch you know, and you make sure you kick em in the *** and throw them in there. Now, youโll hear me say a lot of times that it takes a certain kind of mentality to do that work you know and all that *******, but you understand thatโs all horseshit, just kick em in the *** and make sure that itโs done. So it happens thatโฆ
Now comes the riot, or the marches, and everybodyโs wailing and blopblopblopblop. And you got a cop there whoโs standing with a shortsleeve shirt on and a stick in his hand, and the people are yelling Gestapo! at him! Gestapo? You *******, Iโm the mailman! Gestapo!?
Now. What it is, I think that the people really want to beat the devil. Where that started was with the early, early missionaries. I think that they didnโt reallyโฆthatโs why the people never could really separate the authority and the people with the authority vested in them. Because, you know with the savages they would teach them the religion, and after the speech the savage would go, โWell, are you God?โ โWell, noโฆbut heh heh, what the hell, you knowโฆwell, just never mind that, and eh, I can do you a favor, you do me a favor thatโs all and, I think thatโs the hang up in our country right now, is that, cause you always hear that kind of story about the peace officer who pulled the speeder over and the speeder turned out to be the governor, and he had the audacity to give him a ticket. So the fact that the people repeat that story, so much, that means the people donโt believe that the governor could ever get a ticket, man. So then itโs just the degree of the law that the governor could break. That means he can kick you in the ***, but itโs *******, itโs really not that way, cause everybodyโs vulnerable, yeah everybodyโs *** is up for grabs. Itโs really a groovy, ehโฆ groovy system, and I think that, well the problem I had a long time of understanding the law is because of the language in the law and the fact that instead of taking each word and finding out the case that the word related to, once when I get lazy, and I would apply common sense. And then I got really ******* up.
Thatโs really weird, I went to the Supreme Court three times trying to get a writ of mandamus, and they kept sending it back, the clerk, they kept saying what the language said append the copy of order in respect of which the writ is sought. And I keep sending this copy of the lower court, they keep sending me back in respect of which the writ is sought. Then I dug, in respect of which, They use the word โofโ like I use the word โtoโ. And โrespect ofโ means this kind of respect. In respect โof itโ. So what they wanted, the Supreme Court, we want our judgement that these cats should respect us.
Now the Supreme Court, right now thereโs some ******* now with obscenity. Thereโs an obscenity circus thatโs been going on for five years. And I think, I really canโt believe that itโs not settled yet. An illiterate view of the law is that, whatโs obscene is ***** ******* and fancy *******. If a guy can tear off a piece of *** with class, then heโs cool. But if the author depicts factory workers, who are not expertise with stag shows, then itโs obscene. Which is just nonsense. A lot of the confusion maybe with the obscenity laws is this: itโs that, the judges who are confused just didnโt read.
Hereโs how it works: if a guy gets busted, see, and he raises a federal question and the appellate court answers it, that answer is mine, and yours. Thatโs equal protection from the law that decision, that one court. So in 1933 when a judge got Ulysses trying to come in the country, you dig, and the customs and tariff people said uh-uh, you canโt bring that book in, you canโt come in the country, itโs obscene. So these people said, no we want the book to come in and we want to knock of the injunction to restrain and they move forward. The judge said OK Iโm gonna read the book, but Iโm not gonna apply this Hickman rule anymore. The Hickman rule says that, uh, we should judge this book by the part, the portion of it, to the guy who gets *******, quickest. The most corruptible mind in the community. I think, said this judge, we should apply to the average man, the reasonable man, the man with the normal, average *** instincts. To that cat. Then they add the balance, contemporary, to his average age, so to the guy, the average *** instincts, to his average age, his society, thatโs all attested. So that means that that rule, when any judge has to judge any work, he always has to apply that rule first, and that was cool. Now goes, they said, well we better narrow it, because whatโs happened here is that there is a lot of works of art, that may get people *****, and thereโs a Los Angeles ordinance now in 1961 this guy got busted behind, and the judge said โI donโt need any art critics, I know whatโs obscene.โ But the judge didnโt know in that local court that that wasnโt the question this guy was asking. He said this ordinance is unconstitutional because it doesnโt have knowingly in it, and thatโs the principle of the whole American law system, your intent. So how could I know it schmuck when these people told me in the book jacket that this is art. So it, doesnโt, the intent has to be there. So the lower court said *******, and the Supreme Court said ******* to the lower court. And thatโs when I started getting into trouble. Because from โ61 on came the argument between petulant lower court judges and the Supreme Court and spoiled rotten D.A.โs. When they lost the caseโฆthe city attorney in Los Angeles, every time heโd lose in Washington, Iโd get my *** kicked when he got home. Just *******โ, *******โ, *******โ, and still freed the Supreme Court, they keep movinโ ahead, movieโ ahead, their gonna do it their way. Now comes the California legislature, 1961. And the legislature here are geniuses and they came up with some kappa words. They said, whatโs the sense of making the artistic merit of a work the defense to a prosecution? Because after the guyโs busted his *** is in jail. Then he has to defend himself. Letโs take it out of the defense to a prosecution move it to an element of the offense. Now itโs a crime to be utterly without artistic merit. That means the guy who makes the complaint the burden is on his ***, to prove it. Heโs got to schlep up 50,000 art critics. And after they, if they would accomplish thatโฆYou know a lot of people say, well jeez, canโt you find anything thatโs obscene, is there nothing obscene? Why we have this desperate need for it now is so many lawyers lost their *** on it, that it seems only right that we should have it. I mean, can you tell me nobody can commit treason? I mean Christ, then to you nothingโs treasonous. No itโs very tough, itโs very tough to stop the information, thatโs where itโs all itโs at. Because the word the guy says is of no consequence. What the Constitution forbids is any bar to the communication system. They want nobody to abridge the right to say it one time, and one time to hear it. Nothing in the middle, nobody to tell you before hand that this isnโt too cool, because the information makes the country strong. A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it. And only if the country can know aboutโฆthatโs why the Church and the State have to be separated all the time because the Church only wants a certain kind of information from their government, but since we have a lot churches and a lot of different people in this country, we gotta know about all the bad, bad ****, the worst of everything. The knowledge of it to be protected against it. Because if you donโt have a knowledge of it, and you just know about the good, and they just let the good come through, seeping through what they think is good, you end up like ******, cause he really got ******* around by that. He kept saying, โAm I doing it right?โ โYouโre doing great, they love you.โ โDonโt *******, they donโt like meโ โThey love you, donโt listen to those liars. **** him, who said that?โ You really gotta separate the judicial, executive, and the legislativeโฆand the most dangerous department, just the department itself, is the police, the District Attorney. Not the man, but the department is very dangerous for him. Cause it will gobble him up, and the whole reason for the Constitution was that there was like one King, he was the executioner of everything. So they said how weโll do it now weโll really make it safe, we vote on the rule, eat, sleep and crap, thatโll be the law constant, then if anybody busts us for eat, sleep, and crap, breaking the rule, they have to go first to the judge, the judge has to look up the book, and then heโll make a round robin. Otherwise, no one guy. What happens, two hundred dollar police undercover girl investigation. Two hundred dollar call girls. Now there was no warrant for search. Now the Fourth Amendment and all those things because of a bad kiss *** newspaper have been turning into protection for thieves, but itโs not. Itโs to protect the executive branch from becoming thieves. Because what happens, without judicial superintendents, in other words, if, if the executive branch can make any inquiry at all without a judge signing it, then he can go the ***** house every night, and he can spend two hundred bucks a night getting laid every night and when he gets caught, โWhat are you doing?โ โIโm investigating.โ
But if heโs got a ***** house warrant for search, then thereโs no *******. Then when the crap rule comes in, you, you, you, you, and you, no Iโm investigating, there it is, cool. Describes particularly what I was searching for, what the complaint was. Because what happens is that youโveโฆ the money spent on a two month undercover investigation of hookersโฆmaybe $15,000 dollars,, no when you go to court, the ***** is on the stand sheโs not gonna say she got $15,000, sheโs gonna say โI didnโt get a nickel!โ Cops gonna say, โWell, what do you expect from ******.โ Maybe he didnโt get the fifteen grand. And thatโs where, thatโs always the desperate need to control vice. Thatโs what all the bull, thatโs what all the ******* is. If you check the records, thereโs not one citizen that bought a ***** book. Every case has been initiated by the police department. So itโs not literature they, just, itโs a big smokescreen. Thereโs money spent on those books. A fortune ****** away. How many copies of Henry Miller? And they donโt even read em, so itโs all *******. Uh, five dollars, OK, three dollars, certificateโฆthen when it really gets dangerous is, see, what happens, itโs poor people who, like, get hung up with good and evil, except itโs like, right and wrong. Itโs like Prohibition. Chicago is still crippled from that, from the disease of Prohibition. What happened is that the moralists who thought they were moral didnโt realize what was happening, they kept saying โyes keep the Prohibition onโ meanwhile the cops are making bread on gamblers, and nafkaโs and swinging. When itโs the law out in front, then nobody has any excuse. No priests can be in a *******, blessing, kissing them, saving them. No cop can be, no *******, everybodyโs up for grabs, thatโs it. Stay out of there, that means everybody, no protecting, no local home rule ******. My position is that, since the Constitution says that, there has to be judicial superintendents, that there, no peace officer has any place talking to anyone or making any inquiry whatsoever, search warrant is prerequisite to the inquiry. Because if heโs allowed to make any investigation, for a noise even, then heโs allowed to make determinations of who looks suspicious, and the only people who look suspicious to Jews are Irish drunks, so itโs all ******* conclusions. Who could look suspicious? So we got suspicious looking people, we got N i g g e r Town, ***** Town, ****** Town, **** Town. Yeah, itโs โฆ you canโt hear the noise, unless he sees the crime, solid. Otherwise he can take the police car, and stick in two ex-convicts, friends of his, and say โLook, hereโs the area that Iโm sworn to protect. Weโre gonna break in this warehouse and Iโll lay outside dead. Weโll haul the **** away in my car, if anyone comes on us, weโre investigating, and if we get caught in the interim, we just caught you. Alright, solid? Solid. Well the Sally Stanford thing for Christ sake, they had a different gimmick there, the guy was off-duty, he had an off-duty detective agency, so that gave him an excuse to carry a piece. Yeah, thatโs reallyโฆthatโs a lot of bread, a lot of money. Whatโs happening, the crime rate see has disappeared almost, and the task force that we hired, are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Thereโs never any layoff in the Police Department. Well, hereโs what I think happened to the crime rate. First thing, the basic need to steal is like for coal, you know, youโre hungry, alright, so now the economy is up, so that went disappear-o. OK, now thereโs a second need to break the law was for some sign of, youโd have some status, thereโd be some virility. OK, the fact that now we have health and safety, give these people analysis, that ******* that in the ***, cause no one wants to be sick. So as soon as it could be helped, that ******* up that whole scene. Now thereโs just nothing left.
Narcotics, now they finished with ******. I think in 1951 there was like about seven thousand dope fiends in this state and 50 narcotics officers. Today there probably about 15,000 narcotics officers and four dope fiends. 1500 nihiling, testing stations, lupometersโฆand they got four ***** junkies left. Old time, 1945 hippies. One guy works for the county, undercover, the other guy works for the Federal heat. OK, so finally they went on strike. โLook we donโ use dope anymore, weโre tired.โ โCโmon out, weโre just after the guys who sell it.โ โSchmuck! Donโt you remember me, you arrested me last week. Iโm the undercover guy for the Federals.โ โUh, I thought he was the county guy.โ itโs like ***** running around the tree. He works for the Federal, he works for the County. โLook weโre after the guys who sold it to you, OKโ โNobody sold it to me, I bought it from him, I told ya.โ โUm, well weโฆjust point out one of the guys.โ โDonโt ya know him? Thereโs four of us, I told ya that.โ โJust tell us the names of the guys, cooperate now. Tell us everybody.โ โOK, he was a Puerto Rican. He drove a Green Buick.โ โOK, weโll wait for him, OK.โ Three days of that schmucky investigationโฆโIs that him?โ โWell I think itโs so an soโฆI think he was Hawaiian anyway..โ โOK, donโt forget, if you hear from him.โ โOK, Iโll call you the first thing.โ OK, now they finished up with that nonsense, and they says, โLetโs see now, weโve got all these hospitals, you mean to tell me you guys are going to ***** up that rehabilitation program? You mean to tell me that youโre, if youโre not using any dope, you certainly know some people that need help.โ We donโt know anybody, we donโt know anybody, pleaseโฆI canโt use anymore dope, I donโt like it.โ Well, you really are selfish, thatโs really, you really donโt care about anybody but yourself. You know we have a center to rehabilitate people with 1500 empty beds?โ โI know Iโm ****** that way. Iโll try, butโฆOK.โ OK, so now theyโve got dangerous drugs. Now the insanity in that area, is that the reason that ****** is verboten itโs no good for the people. Itsโฆit destroys the ego.
And the only reason we only get anything done in this country, is that, you wanna be proud of it, and build up to the neighbors, and if the ****** schleps all that away, and the guy goes, the top comment heโll come up with, the guy who builds the building, is โHey thatโs cool..โ and thatโs it. So itโs no good. Itโs no good for everybody, and thatโs why itโs out. But thatโsโฆthe Source is no good. Thatโs where it goes right to the source. But dangerous drugs, the connection is Park-Lilly. Itโs Olin Mathieson. The source is not bad for the people, so the only difference between the felon is the guy who canโt afford a prescription. So they legislate against poor people, which is really schmucky. MarijuanaโฆI donโt smoke ****, Iโm really glad that I donโt smoke it, Iโm really gonnaโฆin five years itโll be legal. But then no one will smoke it anymore, youโll see. Most of the law students I know smoke marijuana, thatโs why itโll be legal. Yeah.
You know what Iโd like to investigate? Zig-Zag Rolling PapersโฆYeah, bring the company up on that. Now we have this report Mr. Zig Zag, certainly it mustโve been unusual to you that Zig Zag papers have been in business for 16 years and Bugle tobacco has been out of business for five years. This committee comes to the conclusion that the people are using your Zig Zag cigarette papers to roll marijuana tobacco in it . Aww, ****, thatโs right. Lotโs of it. Rolling it and smoking it. You know, I really felt sorry for that cat, what was his name, Wallenโฆ.Grand Kleagle cause itโs a repeat of the Communist witch hunt. The fact that the Ku Klux ****, one guy lynched people, that means that anyone who ever belonged to it and knows about it lynched people, which is *******. So what they do, and itโs reallyโฆ when your *** is on the pan like that Iโm sure itโs really frightening, especially when they take youโฆdid, they didnโtโฆwhere did they hold that investigation? Oh, thatโs really outrageous then, cause they canโt do that, it has to be in the district, he has to be tried by his peers, no matter what, in his district. Because when you take him out of his district, thereโs one trauma, cause you take him in a whole different geography, and Southerners are, theyโre people of the Earth, they donโtโฆtheyโreโฆitโs a different country. Religious people, and the talk is different then North, and theyโre rappinโ questions at him, and he like hears one out of every ten words. And he just, is really frightened, justโฆ Dig those schmucks, theyโre ******* โ โYouโre really not real Ku Klux ****, youโre not spending the money on rope. Youโre having good times with it.โ Is that ridiculous? This poor cat didnโt want to admit that he was an American citizen. He kept saying I refuse, I refuse, I decline, and that ******* Time magazine, really make always make it seem shabby, the Fifth Amendment. he declined so many times, he mumbled it, and declined, declined. naturally the cat didnโt want to admit anything cause the last time he admitted anything at the Constitutional Convention the carpet baggers ******* his grandaddy ***, that was it, bye-bye, so heโs very weary and wary of the North, because he knows itโs a whole different scene.
And itโs amazing that the Southerner, has no hostility for the *****, the same way as the court has no hostility for me, they have the hostility for the people that defend me. Thatโs why they yell all that ****/play drop the n i g g e r, to bug them. So itโs the banner fighting between those two people. Oh. Lotta dues. Lyndon Johnson, they didnโt let him talk for the first six months. It took him six months to learn how to say knee-grow. Nig-ger-oh. OK, letโs hear it one more time Lyndon, nowโฆ OK, let him pose again, ok..neig-ar-ohโฆnoโฆcanโt you say, look, say it quick, knee-gro! like that. N i g g e r-oh-oh n i g g e r-ohโฆI canโt help it! i canโt say it thatโs all! I canโt say n i g g e r-oh, ******โ in bed and everything, stuttering, I canโt, what the hell, big n i g g r o-oh nahg-rawโฆlet me show em a scarโฆno no no. Just say it, and say it, thatโs itโฆyeah, heโs completely confused. Well, really, that family is soโฆthatโs reallyโฆthereโs a certain kind of non-Jewish look, that, they could pass any test. They are the biggest non-Jews in the world. No question they walk right through the line. The wife with the white flannel satchel, a zipper up the front, with red nail polishโฆsheโs beautiful. She looks at home in a trailer park. Yeah. Dig.
Thereโsโฆhere, itโs so strange. Not the people necessarily involved with the religion but the religion itself, Catholicism. A genius religion. Three years ago I was wondering, I used to do a bit, four years ago, Religions Incorporated, so my view at that time was hereโs a rich church, Catholicism, next door is poverty, so itโs hypocrisy. Obvious view, So I started digging, digging, reading really getting into it, and I realized, the reason for the baroque Church, the grand Church in the poverty neighborhood, is that, what the Church is is a school, itโs a method of instruction. And people who have no understanding, who need instruction, donโt know about Philosophy, they can only understand material things. So a raggedy *** guy wonโt go into a raggedy *** temple. โI live in a *******, whyโd I gotta go in one for?โ But if you show him something nice he can understand then you can instruct him. So the ecumenical council really are geniuses and they make some tremendous moves. So I figure thereโs a group looks to undermind them. Somebody talked Lyndon Johnsonโs daughter into converting. That sent the religion back two-thousand years. That dress she had on, she looked like a Guatamalen slave. Real Philomena at the wedding there, with itโs, terrible, looked like a National Geographic picture. Heโs-uhโฆyeah heโs itโsโฆshowinโ his scar is beautiful, thatโs just-uh, thatโs just where itโs at, heโs a **** kicker. Heโs just aโฆ.Yeah, itโs aโฆit was a mistake. Yeah, cause the presidency is a very sophistโฆ.Kennedy was just, yeah just a genius at organization, a sophisticated man, and sophistication just means knowledge, learning a lot of background there. And the other guy is, uhโฆ.Iโd like to get some tapes of those people, what goes onโฆyeah, that would really be a treat to hear them. I was just thinking of the guy, you know the picture of Oswald when he got shot. Thatโs Lyndon Johnsonโs relationed face to the other guy, with the big, you know that guy with the hat on? Like a big Texan, โOh ****โ. To be that obvious, to be able to react, โOHHH EAAHHHUHโ. Check out that practice, so you donโt get yelled at. โUHHHH UH EAAAHHHUHโ You know, why Ruby did it, uh, this is subjective, butโฆ.cause he was Jewish, and uhโฆ.You know I really wannaโฆIโd really like to tell you that, I wanna tell Christians thatโฆthatโฆ.Why I can tell it to you because itโs all over now, ya know. I wouldnโt cop out when it was going on, but itโs, it is all over now. Up to about six-seven years ago there was such a difference between Christians and Jews that, but maybe you did know. Butโฆyouโฆshewwwโฆforget about it, just a line there that was justโฆAnd the brotherhood of Christians and Jews was like some fifth column *******, I dunno, it was like a phony dummy board. Yeah, becauseโฆNo, I donโt think so, I donโt think the Christians did know it, because only the group thatโs involvedโฆitโs like the defense council knows it because he has a narrow view, where the D.A., heโs hung up with a bigger practice, so itโs the same with the Jew is hung up with his **** and maybe the Christianโฆbecause, uh, when the Christians say, โOh is he Jewish? I didnโt know, I canโt tell when someoneโs Jewishโ I say well thatโs *******. But heโฆ.canโt, because he never got hung up with that ****, you now, who is he Jewish, and Jews are very hung up with that all the time. Why Ruby did it, seeโฆwhen I was a kid I had a tremendous hostility for Christians my age, the reason I had the hostility is that I had no ***** for fighting, and they could duke. So I disliked them for it, but I admired them for it and there was a tremendous ambivalence all the time of admiring somebody who could do that, you know, and then disliking them for it, and the neighborhood that I came from, there were a lot of Jews so the problem, there wasnโt a big big problem, and my elders were not concerned with punching. But Ruby came from Texas, and a Jew in Texas is a tailor. What went on in his mind, Iโm sureโฆ.โIf I **** a guy that killed the President, the Christians will go โShewwwโฆboy what ***** he had! We always thought the Jews were chicken **** but look at that. A Jewish Billy the Kid rode out of the West!'โ And the Christians will hug him and kiss him, and love him, and boy theyโll say โOh boy he saved everybodyโ. But he didnโt know that it was just a fantasyโฆ.from his grandmother, telling him about the Christians, who punch everybody. Even the shot was Jewish, the way he held the gun, it was a ***** Jewish way. Ha ha! Real dโArtagnan. He probably went โnahโ too, that means โthereโ in Jewish, โnah. Nahโ Yeah, itโsโฆand Belli didnโt umโฆhe forgot the geography. No, itโs the same kind of law, it really is in the words, you just have to speak them slower in that area and you have to dressโฆthereโs just a few kinda changes, but they donโt change the substance of the law, itโs like, as good a case as I can have with you, if I pick my nose, although itโs not dishonest, itโs just gonna lose it, ya know. So Belli didnโt wear the right suit, because anybody whoโs suit fits em good in the South looks like a **** ****. And he should have known that but the fact that he was offended with the judge chewing tobacco, see, cause thatโs the natural thing down there. There was like a ***** picture I saw going around and it said โThis is your local Police Departmentโ and it showed some kinda cops in a Southern place, and they were laughing and the guy, oh, smoking a cigar, thatโs was it. But thatโs just the behavior in the Southern court, and the fact that everyone was laughing they donโt know that Southerners are justโฆtheyโre child-like in that area, theyโre not sophisticated with picture taking. They see a picture, you smile. Thatโs why theyโre always smiling in the pictures , theyโre not arrogant, but theyโre just, youโre supposed to smile when you take a picture. And the Northerners are just hipper, they do the coolโฆSo Belli trying to sell those jurors anything, the voir dire must have just broke their *****, you know. That qualifying must have really got โem good and crazy, you know you have two days toโฆwhadda yaโฆ.yeah any attorneys here forget that, theโฆIf I was an attorney I would grab theโฆhere is hereโll be my pitch to the jury. First place, no qualifying, I pickโฆ no challenges at all. First jurors come up, there the jurors. โYou jurors, you people think a lot of the community because you vote, and thatโs why youโre jurors. Giveโem all a hundred bucks a piece and get โem laid, and thatโs it.โ Iโd be a terrible Law Professor, โWhatโd he say at the end there?โ โGiveโem a hundred bucks and get โem laid.โ โProfessor, can we talk to yaโฆthe conclusion that you made there, give โem a hundred bucks and get โem laidโ โYeah, yeah get โem laid, it all counts.โ โBut that donโt fit with the beginning of the conversation.โ โWell itโs all *******, you gotta figure round.โ โAh, heโs bottled out, get him..โ Yeah, Belli talking to those people, he sounded to that jury like the Southern attorney would sound to Greek-Irish-Italian Northern jurors. โLook here now Jurors, I like Italian people, thatโs first off, I see we got some Italian people here by theโฆIโm gonna take you, a little story now, this buck n i g g e r and this Jew boy wahhhhhh! โWhatโd the hell everybody get so hot for?โ โJust shut up, donโt say anymore.โ โWhatโd I say, itโs a cute story, everybody gets a kick out of it.โ โNo they donโt, just shut upโฆ.I canโt explain it. You look South, youโre hairs wet, I donโt now what it is. Just dummy up, thatโs all.โ uh-huhโฆ.F a g g o t sโฆ.Dig, isnโt the argument against ******* that, what the pornogโselling the *******, making it available to the public, is that the man is happily married, or heโs just a happy cat, and you come along now with some matter that the main ****** of the matter, the predominate appeal is to his prurient interest, and what youโre doing is entrapping him, youโre inciting him, something that the guy wouldnโt be thinking about ordinarily, youโre getting him *****. Youโre getting it up, and youโre not getting it off, and youโre creating a clear and present danger and itโs worthlessโฆand so thatโs the objection to it, and thatโs a valid objection. But the consistency necessarily follows that the guy whoโwhen I hear about f a g g o t s who get arrested in toilets, and I say, โHowโd you get arrested in a toilet?โ โWell, I accosted a peace officer.โ Well, ha-ha, thatโs certainly no concept of reality there. โWell I didnโt know he was a peace officer.โ โWhaddaya mean?โ โWell, he didnโt have a uniform on.โ โWell he wasnโt wearing a costume was he? He wasnโt wearing a low-cut gown, because what a low cut gown to a f a g g o t must be is tight Leviโs and a padded basket, like uhโฆI mean, he wasnโt wearing Leviโs and leaning up against the ****** like sultry like thatโฆcause if he was thatโs *******. Because he was appealing to your prurient interest, and entrapping you. You canโt do that. Itโs a funny thing all the different stages that weโve allโฆmy generation was, wellโฆme, Iโm amazed by any guy who can go into a public toilet and do anything but **** and leave. Guys who can wash their hands are amazing to me. I just go ehuhehuhwwwshhhupout. Donโt โI want to talk to youโ โNot in there, are you kidding?โ Yeah, cause if someone says, โWhat are you doing in the toilet?โ โI donโt knowโฆโ โThe hell are you doing in there? Did you make?โ โYeah, I did itโฆโ โAlright, now hang around here, okay..โ
So I saw, dig what I saw, a beautiful change. I went toโฆPhil Spector had like a big rock & roll jamboree at Tammiโs, filming it, so I went there and I see this ten year old kids there all kids, like nine and ten years old, with no parents. So my first thought was like, what the hell, unattended, but I saw itโs like a whole different generation, everything was very cool. Nine and ten year old kids! Itโs ten oโclock, eleven oโclock at nightโฆMy generation, children out at night, lurking in the bushesโฆ.I would never have the nerve to talk to any strange chick. Sheโs a really beautiful chick, Iโd never have the nerve to hit on her. In a house, somebody introduce, solid. But guys who can like drive past in cars and go hello even, the reason I have never had the nerve is that my mother and my aunt, the way they reacted to guys, the way they told me, everyday they would come home and tell me stories about some guy that was behind the bushes exposing himself. There was a band of dedicated perverts who spent their whole life in trick positionsโฆโOk jim, whoo-hoo hello lady there, eh bup-bup the bushes there, ok aging seven youโve got your position by the book, eh the newspaper, you flash, the hat, okโฆyou-hoo here we are here! Find the schmuck in the bush. Yeah. invidious discrimination. All waiting for them. So I know what everything is. I said โNema, youโve got the market cornered! Weโll film these guys, I mean theyโre amazing how theyโฆthe elevator doors open up โWhoo-hoo here we are!โ How do, when they separate my mother and my aunt, oneโs running and so and heh, and pocketbooks, and theyโre ready, boy. That pocketbook. I figured that after all these years they were really ******* stories, like little guys always telling about, โAnd I said you big ***** you.โ Those little guys will always tell you about they knocked the **** outta this big guy, so itโs my mother and my aunt telling me this nonsense story about a pocketbook โand I give a hamayoupow.โ Maybe that was a ***** lie, telling me they were good women everyday, right. Missed a guy, and I give em a good pocketbook, a ***** ******* pocketbook at everybody. With a good parrot scream byeahhh!! Eh-heh! I know my aunt never did it to anybody. Ever. I just know it, I know I know I know. She was bald. My aunt was bald, the bald headed lady. Little teeny teeny hair. And wrinkled. And a cameo. A little little lady, she was very neat. And go โkrinphkrinphkrinphโ like that all the time. Krinphkrinph. There arenโt those kind of people with tics anymore, someone who go, guys really like, drive across country with those guys youโve really had it. Ticcers, heh-ha. Theyโre gone all those. I think midgets are gone. And theyโre only certain kinds midgets who are real midgets. Theyโre are no Jewish midgets. A true ****** is, heโs got ***** blond hair, and neat as a pin. Little brown shoes and theyโre this big. I wonder ifโฆ.are Pygmies midgets? Colored midgets. Wonder would a colored cat get offended, listen any relation between Pygmies and midgets? Wouldnโt Governor Wallace ****? Demonstrating, a bunch of Pygmies. Ahhhhgh! Give em salt, give em salt, thatโs all, thatโs a, yeahโฆyeah, itโs reallyโฆLittle teeny midgets, those kind Iโm talking about, theyโre really patties. And where do they get theyโre bread from? Who supports them? They donโt pay any income tax at all. Thereโs a lot of people ******* our government. So donโt be too nice to them. Cause weโll drag you up before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Just by encouraging them, by omission. Itโs your duty as a citizen to bust their ***, and demand, โWhere are you getting your money from?โ They hate to be picked up, they hate that. Thatโs why I hate them, they donโt want to be hugged. Heh-heh, I picked one up, see, and he got mad. โPut me down!โ โOk, but youโre so cute, I pick ya!โ They comb their hair with soap. Bela Lugosiโs son is an attorney. Is that weird, he passed the Bar. He must hear those ***** jokes all the time. I loved that, when he got arrested, he was a dope fiend, Bela Lugosi, I almost ****. The Monster. He was the worst advertisement for rehabilitation, he was a dope fiend for seventy years, he cleaned up and dropped dead. The scene isโฆI was gonna relate him to Christ. Did you read that in the paper? Was it geologists, this is a vague recollection I have of it. That it was the custom at the time, Christ was crucified, for Jewish women to give the people who were about to be crucified a drug that would put them in a death like trance, and that this happened, that Christโs mother gave him the drug, and that he wasโฆthatโs, wow. Thatโs amazing if thatโs true. Ruby gets paid back. How the ***** and the Jew got into Show Business. The ***** had a boss that worked him twenty hours a day. So he wanted to get off a couple of hours, and the guy โGet back to work.โ โI donโt feel good today.โ โDonโt mind that ******* get back to work, back to work.โ He kept coming up with different gimmicks, โmy kidโs sickโ โback to work.โ Couldnโtโkept trying to come upโhow can I โHmmm hmmm ohhh Lordโ โHey! I didnโt know you guys could sing.โ โOhh oh Looord ohohhh Lord.โ โHey, put the *** down, come over here, lemme hear that again.โ โLlooord oh my Lloorrddโ โCan he sing? He singsโ โOhhoh Lloorrdd.โ โHey get some wine, this is ok.โ They partied, and the weeds went over everybody, right? And sang their *** right off the farm. Now the Jew had a hipper boss. You couldnโt ******* the Egyptian that quick. No. Jew kept working at it, workingโฆโNever mind the horseshit, thank you, weโve got the pyramids to build and thatโs where itโs at. Weโre gonna get it up, it takes your generation, next generation, you do a nice workman like job, here.โ โOh thank you.โ โGet outta here with that horseshit, now stop it now. Becoming very fine, very fine.โ What a gig, right, you know you got another forty years on the job, shewwwโฆwhat, thatโs a, shewwwโฆyou still canโt get a piece of straw through there. So the Jew kept working at being charming, working at it, even though he never carried it off, but he got so good at it that was his expertise. โHey, letโs go watch the Jew be charming. Hey Jew, do that charming bit for us there. We know youโre bullshitting, but you do it so good we get a kick out of it.
So now the Jew has got theater. Heโs the actor. Heโs the charming actor. Now he has the show business industry knocked up. He has the film industry, he controls it, heโs writing the pictures, making the images that people are the good people and bad people.
Now you never see any Jewish bad guys in movies ever. Ever, ever. And you see a lot of pictures about Christ, a ton of religious pictures. In the most respectful position. And the reason that is, Iโm sure, the way of the Jew saying โIโm sorry.โ Thatโs where itโs at. And I wanted to do a film showing, because Iโm sure that day in the cell, itโs just like, itโs in the tank, you know like four, five, six people in the cell there, and there was Gestas, Dismas, and okay theyโre gonna get crucified, this guy was probably crapped out in the corner, Gestas and uhโฆโOK, you two.โ โWhat?โ โYouโre gonna get crucified today.โ โOh, get my file down here, thatโs *******.โ โOk, get ready all you guys, youโre all getting crucified in this cell.โ โLook, Iโm the good thief, what are you bullshitting me for, Iโm in here for checks!โ โCโmon you get ready, youโre getting crucified.โ โHeh-heh, Iโm not getting crucified, get my file down here. Iโm the good thief, Iโm here for petty theft, you understand? Checks. Iโm not gonna get crucified now. I donโt know what the hell this guy is doing, but, uh, good luck to him.โ OK, now he sees their getting them all ready and theyโre moving him. โHey! What the hell are you kidding with this ****? Iโm not getting crucifโhey, mister, do me a favor, thereโs a mistake here, they think that Iโm with you for some reason here. Christ says, โDonโt worry youโll be with me.โ โCโmon with that, Iโm not with you, now tell em, cโmon itโs no joke now, weโre going up the hill here.โ Heโs praying, and everybodyโs praying and pushing him. โHey cโmon witโget the Public Defender. Cโmon this is ******* now!โ Now theyโre up on the cross. โHey mister, please before itโs too late, do me a favor, ok? Tell em?โ He says,โDonโt worry, youโre with meโฆโ โStop saying that, will you? Iโm not with you, ok? I mean Iโm with you, I like you, but stop telling these ******* that Iโm with you. They think Iโm with you means that Iโm with you, that I conspired with you, I donโt know. Look, donโt be pushy, I like you, ok? I donโt know what youโre talking about, I woke up Iโm getting crucified, Iโm here for checks, I canโt get crucified. Iโm being denied due process, Iโm entitled to do my time for checks first. And I donโt wanna get crucified, I canโt go now, ok? Iโll meet you later. Cโmon, donโt be pushy now, okay? Okay, mah? they all went. And the guy came backโฆโHey? Youโre right. I knew you werenโt bullshitting, but heh-heh, I had a lot of faith in you, but you meet a lot of weird people in the joint, you know? You relax, Iโll talk to the press, thatโs all. Then he started to wonder about if the Messiah is gonna come back. Moses is hanging it up. They tried to get him back like five times already and he will not come back because heโs embarrassed. Charlton Heston is 6โ3, heโs 5โ1. And heโs vain. โI canโt Iโm a schmuckโฆโ โItโs what ya got up hereโ โNahโฆI ainโt got no clothes anyway, Iโll look weird. And Iโll get my teeth fixed.โ โNahโ The Pope is too much. He looks like the Birdman of Alcatraz and Eichman combined, yeah. He waverโฆโArrive arriveโฆโ Heโs really cute, heโs a little bird, blooblooblooโฆ.I wonder what was goinโ on in his head there. Spellman looks like Shirley Temple. Thatโs what I got in trouble for in New York, for saying that. Heh-hehโฆbut a Priest told me that! Thatโs what burns me up. Ha-ha! Thatโs what really ****** me off. Thatโs a spynce Shirley Temple. Ha! Thatโs funny Shirley Temple, thatโs good imagery, right? The Post Office. Do you know how much I love the Post Office? I love the Post Man so much. I really feel thatโs the only place where the authority and the man are one. Thatโs the man, theyโre incorruptible. I donโt know anybody who knows the Post Manโs name. Theyโre really snotty man, itโs aโฆwhoโd have the audacity, โCome on over have a drink, leave the truck there..โ I feel that the Post Man, the people that work for the poโand itโs amazing, no, thereโs no, theyโre maintaining any order there, no police authority, just cool Post Office. Thereโs always a Japanese guy behind the registry window and zaszuโฆHeh, itโs a trick thing to have a treaty, one ***, one szchupbupup, heh! I know, that theyโre the true Law, because with the Law, the Lawโs not concerned with your purpose, with how noble it is. And the Post Man wouldnโt let a package go three cents light for the Rabbiโs Priestโs ***. He wonโt get off it jim. โAre you kidding you want all those people to die for four cents?โ โSorry, knupkโ Who would have the audacity to ever to try to cross that line? โLook I know where the package is..โ You kidding me with that? โOpen the box up right now, itโs mineโฆโ hmm-hm. No one would even say that to him. Even if he had a gun, hmm-hm. Thereโs always a certain kind of wait, always somebodyโฆif I ever heard of a theft at the Post Office Iโd die. โWhat?โ โOh yeah, they opened up the mail and theyโve been reading letters, andโฆโ โNyaugchโ Like that, Post Office, going through snow and sleet. But they donโt like when dogโs bite them. Thatโs one thing they wonโt put up any ****. The dog bites? Thatโs it, weโre not delivering anymore mail to you. Dig what ***** the Sheriff in Sacramento county had. His dog bit the Post Man, Post Man said no more mail, he said ******* weโll give you no more protection. Haha-ha. Schluffa they donโt need it. They got the stamps hidden.
I have a book here I want to show you. Debby is a Nun. Itโs another trick, a little Lyndon Johnson trick. This is a Bess magazine. What if he catch me reading this **** all the time? โThis is your reading material?โ โIt certainly is. Photoplay, are you kidding?โ โYouโve got guts!โ Editorial page, ayda-eda look at the ads, Cutex, Worldโs Mostโoh itโs all lady kinda adsโฆAdjustable Dress FormโฆI didnโt finish the story about uh, the Nun story here, lemme find itโฆthereโs no more movie stars. Doris Day. Rock Hudson. Why Elvis locked himself in his bedroom for three days. Patty Duke. The few: Thereโs too good to be true, thatโs the end of the two stories, now the fold out Post Man, heh-heh. Smart. The Study of Art. Hudson. Blew it, thereโs not an interesting thing, I canโt lie to you. Try one more time. Okay, letโs seeโฆDorothy Maloneโs First Interview After Her Brush With Death. Frozen. Look at that balcony up thereโฆhope none of you guys are doing your usual chicks in the balcony. Donโt bring any heat on me, you know. Do your pervert stuff in the newsreel theater, but notโฆno, ya gotta time and a place you knowโฆ..heh. Ok, oh ok, I Increased MyโฆWith The Fabulous Mark Eden method I increased my bust measurement from a 34-B to a full 36-D i just eight weeks. They always give you time limits right? Just so you know you got something to look forward to. Ding-boom. Barbara Hayes received her Mark Eden Bust Developer and course on April 1, 1965, on which time her bust measurement was 34-B and eight weeks later n May 20, 1965 her bust had increased to a full and lovely *******! A lovely 36-D! That ***** is hunchback. But we kept our promise we didnโt say it was cominโ here somewhere. The Mark Method just builds your back up. This amazing increaseโI know that they putโthey, the guy that makes the copy for these must know that these are gonna be read in jail because thatโs the onlybody whoโs got time to read all of that ****โฆhah. Just forever and ever and ever. This amazing increase in bust size and contour is achieved solely through the faithful use of the Mark Eden bust developer and of course during that time Barbara was adding these firm and lovely inches to her bustling, her weight did not change, her eating and living habits did not change, the only change she made in her life was to spend a few minutes each day practicing the fabulous Mark Eden method. Her bust line developed in the privacy of her own home. As you can see from her after, in quotes, photo, she has certainly achieved a most attractive, full, and shapely bust line for her efforts. She wants real numbers like that, hunch over, elbows pushing forward there, and standing on her head. Uh, Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer and who through its use, are reporting gainsโthatโs good devious writing. Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer comma and who comma through its use comma are reporting gains of two three four and even moreโthat one letter we got was tough. She says โYou name it, itโs not stopping.โ We get letters from women who were flat chested and now feel like real women for the first time because of Mark EdenโฆWho are you Mark Eden? A **** rascal, you, hah-hah.โ Are there any real **** left? **** your silicone. Are they real? I told you theyโre real. How will I ever know though? Will you take a lie-detector test that those are your own ****? Yes, I told you. I canโt believe, you canโtโฆ.theyโre too real to be real. Hereโs the thing, this-this, I donโt see any chicks that turn me on anymore, ya knowโฆbut think, I ah-h, hereโs how I now Iโm getting old, cause I really did go through, I says, I havenโt seen any girls that really stimulate me, that look good to me. And you, itโs really corny, but dig what I miss: lipstick and powder. Is that weird? I like em with paint on em, ha-ha! To smell like ladies. Lily, lipstick, and powder. Now if I really get ****, pancake makeup. And a cheap, black, crepe dress thatโs low-cut. Make a book up, see, and the book on its face will look likeโฆ.itโs one of those very erudite How To Make Out, Same-*** Marriage, those kinda nut books, ya know. But if you follow the instruction of this book, you never make out at all. Ever. Really constructed so thatโs a zero no-score. Sell it for $45 in plain wrapped brown paper. Now in it says, it says, Instructions: Always go over the house for dinner and meet the folks. And donโt forget when you go over the house and meet the folks, you compliment, and itโs just the dialogue the guy is supposed to use, say, say to the father, you know, โOh Mr. Johnson, boy your daughterโs got a terrific shape on her, ha. God bless her, boy she gotta a body Iโm telling ya. And your wife has got a nice shape on her too.โ Then, when youโre out on a date, they like little jokes, itโs, then thereโs a certain kinds, maybe not for this generation, my generation, certain kinda things that you just couldnโt say, just verboten, that just cringe, embarrassing things, that no one ever, hereโs a kindaโฆ.stab your heart joke. Just keep sayingโ, โWhaddaya got the rag on?โ Keep saying that, they like that, they get a kick, they like people who are frank, โWhaddaya got the rag on? Whaddaya got the..โ keep sayingโ it all night, thatโs ah okay. And then, when youโre in the car, if you just ask them in a nice way for it, just say, and be cute about it, use euphemisms, double entendres. Say, โOh, I wonder if I could get some nookie?โ Thatโs very cute. โOh boy, I wonder whoโd give me some nookie, boy I wonder.โ And they just think thatโs so cute, and youโll get it right away. And just say extra things, like โBoy I would, would I appreciate it, hah, that always, boy Iโd appreciate that boy. Iโd tell everybody what a nice person you were too.โ I think that, a lot of marriages went West, ya know they went split up, uh, my generation, ladies didnโt know that guys were different, I mean differentโฆitโs very tough for chicks to realize that although we speak the same language, that yer, you can have babies thatโs j-j different yaโyour so, itโs like, no guy ever cheated on his wife, ever. But ladiesโฆ.would get hurt and wanna leave the husband because they thought the husbands cheated and they never did cheat because what cheating means I know. To a lady, it means kissing and hugging and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. Guys that doesnโt enter into it, all the time, no. Ladies are one emotion, and guys detach, not consciously detach, but they just do, detach. Like, a lady canโt go through a plate glass window and go to bed with you five seconds later. But guys can have head on collisions with Greyhound busses. In disaster areas. Everybodyโs laying dead on the highway, not in the hospital, in the ambulance, guy makes a play for the Nurse. โHow could he do a thing in a time like that.โ โWell I got *****โ โWhat?โ โI got hot.โ โHow could you be hot when your foot was cut off?โ โI donโt know.โ โHeโs an animal! He got hot with his foot cut off.โ โI guess Iโm an animal, ess-es-ehโฆโ โWhat didja get hot at?โ โThe Nurses uniform..โ Heโs a *****, thatโs all, heโs just an animal, heโs aโฆ. No itโsโฆguys detach, and has nothing to do with liking, loving. You put guys on a desert island, theyโll do it to mud. Mud. So if you caught your husband with mud, some how you could get over seas there, โMmuudd!! Donโt talk to me, thatโs allโฆ.you *******, leave me alone, thatโs all. Go with your mud, have fun. You want dinner? Get your mud to make dinner for youโ thatโs all. Thatโs-a itโs just thatโs you canโt get angry at them, you canโt wanna leave them for that at all, no, itโs humโฆYou know, and thatโs just subjective, in retrospect I really got a kick out of it.
Getting divorced, the only true get even device, because Iโm really convinced that no guy ever leaves a chick, you know. When chicks get cold, they really get cold, sshwoooโฆThatโs, itโs over, really, when itโs over with them itโs really over, and guys canโt ever figure that out, they always figure thereโs one more time there. And the guy is like, ss-I canโt-ss, well, I boump-boump-boump. Yeah, cause-eh, hereโs what I figure it is, you always hear chicks say, ya know, โOh I wish I could meet a man, someone with some dignity, a guy I can walk all over, you know, can really be a man-a manโ but chicks donโt know that, itโs, guys are like dogs. You know you take a dog, you beat the **** out of him pow! โ Keep a โNEUUH-NEUUH-NEUUHโ. Pow keep coming back. Ladies are like cats, you yell at a cat once, Siamese cat, shhhht their gone. So that kinda quality that ladies are looking for, you really want a guy to act like a lady. Cause those are lady like traits, that kinda ***** and they donโt need anything. I forgot what the **** I was talking aboutโฆheh. I blew it completely. Where was I? I went up to za-zuhโฆhumโฆhah. Those television shows, really. Once in a while if I lose it you know and then try to ******* and do this a while but then if itโs really gone itโs gone, soโฆ.Ya see, thatโs where, the problem of being a performer, and a Judge can get away with that ****, ya know. โHmmmmmnnnโ, you know just completely dunked out, ya know. โThatโs, Iโll take that under considerationโ yeah, yeah. Letโs see I was hereโฆ.oh, oh yeah I got it, good. I wonโt lose it again but Iโm trying to think where the thread of it wasโฆoh yeah, OK. The Get Even. So the only Get Even you can have with a chick, cause they leave you, are the kids. Thatโs the only Get Even, thatโs the sweet revenge: Get the kids. But you canโt be that obvious with it, you know, just get the kids because I want to get even with you, you ******* you. So the, all the struction, the foundation is โI went over there the kids wetโ heh. Schmuck, then all of a sudden โThe kids, Iโm not gonna, the kidโs not gonna live like that, every time I go over the kidโs wet, the kidโs wet. Everytime, the kid she donโt take care of the kid, the kidโs wet, and uh thatโs it. Iโm taking that kid away from her because the kidโs wet. Sheโs having guys over there. โYou saw any guys?โ โNo, but, when the kidโs are wet, thatโs it. Take the kid, I got custody of my kids now, I love my kids. Youโre not gonna be with that ***** anymore, blah-blah-blahโฆโ โWhere are the kids?โ โWith my grandparents.โ Very good, uhm-hmm-hmโฆ.Now itโs, usually what happens is break up time, just like the firstโฆif youโre gonna break up with your old lady, and ya live in a small town, make sure you donโt break up at three oโclock in the morning cause your *******, thereโs nothing to do. You sit in the car all night, park somewhere. Yeah. So make, at least, ya know, make it about nine in the morning so you can go to the five and ten and ******* around and, worry them a little and come back at seven at night, ya knowโฆ.โOh, yeah never mindโฆ.Iโm getting an apartment, thatโs all, thatโs eh..โ Yeah because if you, eh, a bad break up then itโs like a long time break up. If youโre married seven years then you gotta kick for two. Oh yeah. I think there must be a mitzvah time. i think if youโre married fifteen-eighteen years, you get divorced, then you must lose your mind. Yeah they get senile, then they people, they get whacked out. Thereโs a certain critical area theyโre married about seven-eight years where you really throw up for a couple of years. No really just โORGHJK-YKKGGHHโ, you know. And, the weird, if you broke up and you go anyplace alone, thereโs always mamzers who ask you about youโre wife. โWhereโs your old lady?โ and I said, Chinese restaurants, โWhereโs Momo? How come you donโt bring Momo in here anymore? Such a beautiful girl, whereโs Momo?โ โLook, Iโm divorced.โ โOh, you better off. You donโt need her.โ Whereโs MomoโฆNow if you, go back together, the danger time, and hereโs back to the religion again. Thereโs only one person youโre supposed to confess to. They are. Not anybody else. Priests, solid. But not husbands. They have no authority vested in them to hear any truth. So donโt listen to any of their ****, ya know, because what happens, when thisโgo back together, guy calls up, โHello Vera, the only reason I called you, you left some of your crap over here. I donโt know a handkerchief, a gloves. Listen I wanna come over, weโll shoot the ****, letโs see. Pay the tax bill.โ Alright, back together, maybe kissing time, hugging time, in bed time. After bed time. โHey Vera, uh, when we were broken up, didja make it with a lot of guys? Donโt be silly, said I donโt mind you can make it with anybody, donโt ******* meโฆ.what the hell, itโs good for the goose, good for the gander. We were legally separated, I made it with a lotta lotta chicks, youโre entitled to make it with a lot of guys. Iโd just like to know, for the hell of it, didja make it with a lot of guys? Howmanynanacโmon donโt ******* me, Iโm not gonna hit you now, I wanna know! Iโm not gonna get mad, just for the hell of it, who did you make it with?โ Donโt tell him, donโt cop out. Never cop out, if they got pictures deny it. Flat out. Just tell โem it was some *** hair dresser, thatโs allโฆthatsezya. Because if you ever do cop out, oh yeah, shih-shooo! โCโmon Iโm not gonna get mad, tell me, Iโd just like to know for the hell of it.โ See, thatโs what chicks donโt know about guys, that theyโฆitโs that entrapment. Maybe itโs because their fatherโs did that to them. โJust tell me, who? Him? PfffโฆI donโt give a **** but, but this isโฆ.thatโs a shocker, thatโs hehโฆheh, thatโs the only thing is that it shocks me, Iโm not mad but it, sfyeh what a kick in the *** that is, likeโฆhow the hell could youโฆyou know what, you know why it shocks me cause you told me that you didnโt like him, you told me you didnโt want him over to the house, and ya goโฆhow could you make it with him? That fat, disgusting piece ofโyou **** pow. Thereโs a Peace Bond, schlepping away time, ah yes, with the Jewish mother in the middle with the teeth flying out vah-vah-vah!! The chenille robe, and uhโฆYeah, thatโs aโฆha-ha. Wouldnโt this be, always wondered if ya get married again, the only problem with ever getting married again, if ya go, you have to go to some country where pfshhhโฆyou have to marry somebody who speaks a different language and doesnโt speak any other language. Cause just in case, no but youโd always be afraid cause when your with the second old lady then you might say something in bed, and your wife would jump up behind the bed, โYou aaaโ-you saidโ oh god, โhow could you say that to her when you said it to me?โ โI just ******* her, I donโt love herโฆI just said that cause I knew you were behind the bed, thatโs all.โ Uh-huhโฆJewish mothers, there are none thatโs the expose. Oh another expose, I really want to confess to you one thing you never knew about me andโฆ.I have a pen name. Ralph Gleason. Iโm Ralph Gleason. And I always wanted to uh, and youโre taking it good, I always thought youโd get ******* at me for that. In fact I wrote the column for years and just drifted into this and decided Iโd like to do a little comedy on the side and uh, you liked me and I thought I was doing good, so what the hell a few write ups donโt hurt anybody. And uhโฆyouโre taking it good, thatโs lovely. I want you to know that, another thing too that Iโve never been in jail, never been arrested, thatโs all borshit. What it is see, I got a publicity agent thatโs dynamite, and we have nine phony cops that work for Pinkerton, and we go from town to town the same *******, ya know. I get busted, I write the column the next day, and thatโs where itโs atโฆheh. A few words now about Alaska and their stupidnessโฆand ind-aโฆAlaska, donโt know if you know it or not, there are people up there that weโve given a lot of money to and try to help them. Given a lotta lotta money to Alaska, to create some kind of image, we gave them statehood and theyโre morons. They got one image, after all these years, some schmuck in front of a shack holding a fish knock. Thatโs all theyโve come up with, and some other nonsense fantasy that hookers get two-thousand dollars a minute for talking to people. If you probably go up there thereโs ten-million stranded ****** waiting to talk to somebody. โWhatโs the deal I thought there was supposed to be some talking, orโฆwe just got *******, right, thereโs nobody? Just hookers up hereโฆ.and Admiral Byrd. Heh-heh, he donโt go for a nickel. Now hereโs a thought, I-I-Iโveโฆ.this is hearsay. Somebody told meโsee they were usingโthe report was monkey glands on people, so you know, rejuvenate them, they live longer. Ok, now somebody told me they came back from Mexico, that theyโre using human glands. โSo-oh yeah? Well where do they get them?โ โHas to be from live people.โ Well people, there wasโdying, and uhโฆitโs very expensive. So thatโs what I said, what does it costs about a thousand dollars ya nowโฆso I got hip, a lot of people are dying a lilschip-schzzch thatโs uh, oh yeah, the hospitals a lil-bop-plah-bup, yuh, heโs dead, heโs almost dead, the hell is-uzzaโฆ.Sure youโre gonna see is the more demand, the first place the state insane asylums are gonna be emptied out quick psshhhh! Yeah, thatโs the first thing, all the nuthouses emptied out. All died very quickly, oh yeah, definitely. Because, all we have to doโฆsee our moral concept is whatโsโwhat, itโsโwhatโs accepted, what we will agree upon, thatโs what the moral concept is. Weโif we agree, thatโฆkilling a few will save the biggest, then weโll agree on it. Like thatโsโthatโs was the objection that Catholicism had for many years, that contraception is ******. It doesnโt matter the degree of the ******, but-but since we all agreed on it now, contraceptionโ*******, itโs cool. So itโs just the degree. So..if it comes right down to it, if we wanna live a little longer, it wonโt-it wonโt be accepted, just the sophisticated class, the gentry will cook with it first, ya know. Yeah, โListen, I know a place and itโs ya nowโฆโ Yeah, and as soon asโthe first time the government controlโthen theyโll have the farms. Yeah, raising people to, uh, to live. Itโs a good liver, good heart, yeah. Youโll accept it, yeah, youโll see. When it comes right down to the go-you go bye-bye, โThese people donโt know anything, theyโre raised for that purpose.โ โYeah, ya sure?โ โIโm telling youโฆthey like that.โ Heh-ha! OK. โI wanna paper saying that he gave it upโฆoh and I canโt take the guys liver and his heart and his *****, all that stuff?โ โSure, are you kidding, heโs better off without it. He gets it the next time, donโt you know that? Nine thousand years Iโve been living now, itโs aโฆyeah, itโs aโฆschhhwooโฆ.โ