HOW TO STRAIGHTEN CROOKED TEETH ON YOUR OWN (1) Firmly grasp the offending tooth with pliers and gently twist it till it's in perfect alignment. (2) Tap nearby teeth with a wooden mallet to "encourage" them to return to a position that would please God. (3) Inform a fat woman that gluttony is sinful.

A CHILD ASKS: Daddy, why do fat women bounce when they hit the pavement after jumping off the top floor of the Empire State Building for fun? A FATHER RESPONDS: Fat women are like you and me except they weigh more than normal people do because of thick deposits of adipose tissue. A CHILD ASKS ANOTHER QUESTION: Why do snakes not breast feed their babies? A FATHER EXPLAINS: Snakes are a lot like fat women: they eat children and sleep under rocks before jumping off the top floor of the Empire State Building for fun.