𝑨𝑵𝑫 𝐈 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐘 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐃! Is it hexane-free? A little bit. What about freckles? What about them? Will it whiten them to the point of partial absorption? No. How will I know if lesbian dance class will improve my chances of landing (or bagging) a billionaire husband? Are unemployed people happy? Yes, very. My uncle was unemployed for 5 weeks before he became jobless. Where is he now? Dead. Dead drunk. He's a dipsomaniac who loves lesbian dance class. Why is he like this? I don't know. I've taken him to every gas station in the county and still he won't stop.

ULTRA ****: Once I'm mulched you won't be so ******* me.
I see it's April, 700 years from now & church is in full swing. People are singing their praises for Jesus, due to return any moment now. The apocalypse is nighly {that means nearly} here, if prophesy holds firm. The end-times & the signs are undeniable. There shall be strife, rumor of war, blood on the moon, the mark of the beast, rapture. Jesus will reign over Earthly affairs a thousand years {any 21st century faith-shaking momentum has petered out.}
   Once I'm bunched no better than ****** on a ****-house floor
you won't push so ******* me. If I live to 50, heaven forfend,
twenty-five millionths times a hundred fifty-two scraps of a
pound avoirdupois you'll sigh a pitiable one, a nuance of
a touch reminiscent of primer wife.
   My ultra ****, ulterior & backwise, I love you more than Mexicans love pizza, blacks do whites, America & her justice. It's April, it's Brasil y Colombia, it's me & you: ultra ****, cuntier than average, unreadable, unwilling, unsavory. If I could, I'd sell you for salvage or forage, or at a bulk rate.
   My bulbous nays are more lovely since pregnancy took
over upping milk production. Now I'm less sinful than
grateful, ½ drunk w/power & remembrance, less testy,
less cunty, more rambunctious & flavor-ready.
   As I've imbibed an ant's worth of spirits, I **** widely, consuming life-needy oxygen. It's cardiac time and flop-overs are everyplace. It's telepathy gone ****-ways wrong. Washington used to **** constantly—he almost killed himself several times.
   I could find myself writhing @ the wiener factory, as the floor is well-oiled & my knees are smooth & youthless. It would turn my life into a hot-doggish holiday romp thru sausage land. I could become teachish & instruction-weary. People might as well flock my way as had sheep when Jesus was cracking sassy, agitating Romans, destroying the good will of money-changers. Let us camp upon the hillsides, far removed from **** & partake the lushness of scrubless jungle trim.
   As a man I have feminine needs no wiener-factory tour
can address. I've dated plenty with many a heartrending
scene. Come down, bedded with a woman of divergent
stock, I find myself waxing philosophic. I burn daylight
with niceties, I placate & ween fair blessing.
  One man in Italy can't stop the way things Italian are. He could beseech the embassy until his pizza burns for all the good that'd do.
   I've been hard-pressed before. I've conquered my fears,
made peace with feminine needs, broke down, married
women, begat a child, sold items cheaply from the front yard.
   I could make friends with cops, and give up firemen.
{Kiss my ****, I'm just out of the bath.}
   I swoon under candlelight, by the fireside, smacked around with brass knuckles, throttled w/i an inch of precious lifestyle. Caught unawares, smitten by professional drain, I baffle taunters. Ultra ****: querulous ****; wild whomp; mine-mount...
   As a man I've found myself wobbling on skates.
At times, hurried, later because of not acting now.
   Oh U.C. {ultra ****}, can't you hear me: probing, tunneling, examining w/o license, for no better reason? I'm wide-ruled, I'm college-ruled, I'm 70 sheets @ 10½  x 8, I'm your best friend {you're allowed one: best}. Let's go somewhere, let's stay put, let's stick to your story for a change. I like some things illegal but I don't make a big deal about it.
   A girlfriend likes a nip, as when her bra's forgotten. She
gains nothing but trinkets. She owes her life to good-living
& self-assuredness. You can't dredge her backwaters, it's
easier to tuck. After all, what does it all mean anyway?
   It's wrong to covet the neighbor's wife but equally, it's wrong for her to covet my hairy ***. A neighbor may know no shame. Her mammae displayed keenly, its valley, the roundness & summits. She may stoop to pick up car keys or dance to the mail box, the breeze catching her frilly skirt, rain dampening all that's decent.
   One man can condemn her, another be jailer. I love
thy neighbor as thyself. So far I've got nothing
against her, nay nothing on her either.

HOW I LEARNED TO SLEEP UNDERWATER TO HIDE FROM THE MAFIA! It wasn't easy at first (coming up for air twice per minute) but eventually I mastered the art of staying underwater for 45 seconds (thereby cutting my breathing-time by 12%). Now I'm safe and secure, knowing that if I ever come across a Mafia killer again I can easily escape by submerging myself completely underwater until he goes away in total frustration like the ******* that he is.

HOW LIVING LIKE A MORMON SOLVED MY MEAT PROBLEM - I was swimming across Lake Huron when a helicopter crashed 500 feet away. I quickly headed in that direction and eventually saved everybody. The governor was so gay that he gave me a special award and invited me to become gay like him (an invitation I turned down flat). Six years later the entire surviving cast of 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑩𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝑩𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉 tried to make me gay, forcing me to terminate their lives.

HOW TO ENLARGE YOUR PROSTATE EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! Don't eat food that looks like it came from Burger King. Date women from foreign countries (except Canada). Pick a fight with ghetto Negroes and then disarm them with secret Kung Fu moves that will leave them permanently crippled till they die.

I PRAY FOR FAVORS - There's nothing unusual about that. Good ovarian health is all part of being fertile while crawling on your stomach like a 2-legged turtle.

BIG DAN ALWAYS ENCOURAGED MIGRATORY BIRDS to build nests in his skull. 1 day, as he was beating an arrogant Burger King cook to death with a fly swatter, Jesus appeared out of nowhere. "Look out Jesus!" Big Dan warned like he was going to **** Jesus next. Jesus just stared at him. "My Dad will kick your ***!" The Lord exclaimed and He meant it. "I ain't afraid!" Big Dan shot back like he was tougher than Richard Simmons and *** Wee Herman combined to form a super ****** or something.

THE MOMENT THAT ELTON JOHN BECAME A HOMOSEXUAL seemed like a normal moment, at least the one before did. Elton was just sitting on a lawn chair doing nothing strange when a **** man bent over in front of him to pull up his socks. "Oh my!" Elton exclaimed, prompting the **** man to turn around. "Hello. My name's Julian. Are you a homosexual too?" He asked in a homosexy voice. "I am now!" Elton answered in a way that made him divorce his wife and write the song "Tiny Dancer."