THE ADVANTAGES OF RUNNING YOUR MOTHER ON DIESEL FUEL - Lots of women run on household electric current which is okay until there's a power outage. My mother runs on diesel fuel because diesel engines are low-maintenance as any truck driver will tell you. When I suggested to mom that I'm considering converting her from alternating current to diesel she was frightened, shocked, appalled, nervous and deranged so I drugged her with peyote. When she woke up 19 hours later, she was mellow and relaxed because by then I had already outfitted her in bowling shoes and a crash helmet. Now she's happier than a ***** in a wine cellar.

SIXTY-THREE BOUTS OF BURPITIS (swelling of the glands that allow me to burp) - It was a cold day at the peanut butter factory as youthful Paul Lennon loaded 30,000 tons of raw peanuts into grinder number thirteen. "Paul, depress the grinder pedal slowly while I lubricate your sister!" Bob instructed from 30 yards away. "Okay Bob!" Paul responded. "Alright! Let 'er rip!" Later on, mountains of peanut butter were mechanically poured into plastic jars. "My sister is over-lubricated!" Paul called out to Bob who was sitting on the toilet at the time, waiting for "big things" to happen.