THE ADVANTAGES OF RUNNING YOUR MOTHER ON DIESEL FUEL - Lots of women run on household electric current which is okay until there's a power outage. My mother runs on diesel fuel because diesel engines are low-maintenance as any truck driver will tell you. When I suggested to mom that I'm considering converting her from alternating current to diesel she was frightened, shocked, appalled, nervous and deranged so I drugged her with peyote. When she woke up 19 hours later, she was mellow and relaxed because by then I had already outfitted her in bowling shoes and a crash helmet. Now she's happier than a ***** in a wine cellar.

SIXTY-THREE BOUTS OF BURPITIS (swelling of the glands that allow me to burp) - It was a cold day at the peanut butter factory as youthful Paul Lennon loaded 30,000 tons of raw peanuts into grinder number thirteen. "Paul, depress the grinder pedal slowly while I lubricate your sister!" Bob instructed from 30 yards away. "Okay Bob!" Paul responded. "Alright! Let 'er rip!" Later on, mountains of peanut butter were mechanically poured into plastic jars. "My sister is over-lubricated!" Paul called out to Bob who was sitting on the toilet at the time, waiting for "big things" to happen.

John Lennon represented youth, muscular youth, the kind of youth that could **** a person. Yes, yes. But what about unemployment? And joblessness? I agree. These are 2 horrifying dilemmas, but we shouldn't let our swollen ***** stop us. Well, mine does. I can barely get off the toilet from a seated position. Me too. The other day I was stuck for 2 weeks and I nearly died. If a neighbor lady hadn't stolen my wallet, I'd be unemployed right now. Yes, me too.

Be patient, just like an amputated arm, your thumb will grow back. Thanks to you it will. Your presence causes miracles. True. There is something awesomely godlike about me: my talent for starting diesel motors while wearing multiple **** straps that are 3 sizes too small; my ability to impregnate Sumatran bikini models, etcetera. Yes, but you're being modest. I read about how you defeated Godzilla in hand-to-hand combat twice to save Tokyo from sinking into the sea. Oh, that. Godzilla was already weak from centuries of hibernation. Throwing him into a volcano was nothing, really. Here, take my ***** and do with it what you must. No, I couldn't. You see, I'm married now to Godzilla and together we have 14 children.