James Bond never fought Godzilla before. He did defeat King Kong, but not Godzilla. This time it's personal! With the help of his good friend Tarzan, James Bond will meet Godzilla in Tokyo Bay for a deadly encounter that will go down in history as the most famous fight-to-the-death-match since Goliath & David duked it out on Mount Rushmore! Tickets are on sale now!

My chihuahua used to run like an antelope through mountain passes and climb like a goat up the steepest cliffs like it was nothing. We used to jump off tall bridges together and not get hurt and hop on trains going 40-miles-per-hour and laugh about it later over a pitcher of Mexican beer. Often, we'd attend funerals and volunteer for pallbearer duties after painting a huge church for free and then we'd go to Walmart and scream at crazy people for hours and hours. But now, my dog's elderly and awaiting death with dignity among dog-eating Haitians in Springfield, Ohio. Soon he'll be in Heaven with Jesus forever probably unless God finds out that my little chihuahua Chico is a suspect in 78 murders.

SEE WHAT REAL MEN ARE MADE OF at the autopsy exhibit. Food, fun and beer-swigging for all ticket-holders! Don't sit in the rain when you can be enjoying family-friendly Viet Cong-style executions! **** a ****** for mommy while large badgers claw at your entrails! Deep-throat a "big one" in a bread truck! ***** mysterious women with no clothes on! It's all for charity: Saint Jude's Cancer Torture Hospital!

Another full shift of doin' **** 'cause people don't read useless
government-bought books. Lard-*** librarians by the thousands
watch in amazement as their ***** expand little-by-little till
Doomsday, Armageddon, the Apocalypse or Judgement Day.

Martha was very respectful of Tanya's father because he was pope. She would never call him a bad name or throw skittles at him when he was on the toilet. Every day she'd say: "Hey pope!" or "Howdy pope!" or "How's it hangin' pope?!" Indeed, because of this respectfulness, Tanya loved Martha more than she loved her brother who was married to a 1-legged, ex-lesbian from Pakistan.

We used busted banjos as surf boards to surf to safety after our boat sank in Hawaii 4 miles from Pygmy City. I had an asthma attack before strangling 5 dozen blue whales with my bare hands. We're going to be dining on whale liver for 10 years! Police men are **** when they're women pretending to be men: rolling in pig-****; eating lunch on balconies; plugging their butts with gerbils. Obesity is bad for fat people because they are already fat and they shouldn't have to deal with obesity on top of that. What have I learned as a gynecologist? Many things. Gynecology isn't just for dentists who like women. It's for men who enjoy big-game fishing and bowling-pin setting. It's for ex-lesbians with bullet scars on their butts. It's for Dairy Queen executives with syphilis. It's better than living in Pygmy City, but not as nice as having a neighbor who worships you like you're Jesus.

Gynecology is no laughing matter! Back to the **** heap...
A wrong turn might drop you into the lap of The Full
Moon School of Gynecological Enthusiasts...

Gamma gauze tape pads stitches, sutures & staples & blocks yeast,
while nourishing the gloom of Austrian weather enjoyed to my east
where-from nobody is availed to rent land that is better let unleased
to slanderers foundered in the romance of 2 smooth bowels creased
obstructively for a slattern nun & Bible-rebuffing, monsignor priest
whose thongs bunch doing jumping jacks as *** hems are released
that can't be knitted, established, corporated, sewn or puzzle-pieced