i knew im ****** up the moment i imagined how our perfect first date would look like

ill definitely bring you in a zoo because i wanted to hear you talk about the things you love
your passion in loving and caring for these creatures
i wanna see your eyes sparkle through that

or maybe ill bring you in a peaceful place
because i know how bothered your mind is most of the time
from all the responsibilities you juggle in your everyday life
i want to give you peace

or maybe we will study together?
stare at the skies?
maybe watch a movie or two?
or anything

anything could actually work
as long as it's with you
i know it'll be perfect

the thing about grief
is that it does not make itself immediately felt
it will slowly dive deep into your soul
and the moment you thought things are long over
it will surprise you with overflowing emotions
and eat you alive
hoping that you hugged them more
hoping that you loved them more

i want to thank you
give a pat on your head
and a warm tight hug
for all the times you chose not to jump

those days you felt like nothing's gonna work
moments you cannot see your worth
the battles you fought alone
and times you cannot find your home
silent cries at night in your room
with no one to hold
only yourself to lose

thank you for giving another day a chance
thank you for not giving up
thank you for all the times you chose not to jump

i havent had the courage
to do things
for quite some time
i cant write
cant work
cant move forward
that sometimes
even breathing
seems too hard

i used to know love
and recognize him so fast
even with eyes closed
i am familiar with his scent
even if he's wearing a different cologne
i can name all his tiny gestures
still spots his voice
amidst a loud crowd
i can find love so easily

but after almost two years of not meeting love
i am no longer sure how love looks like
i cannot tell if he has long hair
or maybe he likes it clean?
does he have a very deep voice
or a soft one maybe?
is he shy
or is he confident enough?
i am not sure really

or perhaps this time
love should be the one to recognize me

And when the astronaut
fall inlove with the sea
you will see him dreaming
how wonderful it is
to be a scuba diver
and dive into
the deepest part of the ocean.

you deserve that love who asks how your day went
even if you forgot to reply because of your hectic sched
that love who brews you coffee without asking
since they saw you yawn amidst work
that love who still listens
even when you are imitating a cat's purr

you deserve that love who holds your hand whenever you cross a bridge
since they are aware how afraid you are of heights
that love who remind you you are beautiful
when you tried not to eat because of gaining another pound
that love who captures the moon when they can
knowing how much you love the evening sky

you deserve the love that tries.
you deserve the love that lasts.