i am jealous.

i am jealous that my best friend is absolutely beautiful
has her life together
is a natural social butterfly.

people flock to her.

it kills me to think that

i have lived in her shadow all of these years. she is the only reason i was able to survive throughout university.
she is the only reason i was able to hold any friends,
participate in anything, and essentially...
be who i am today.

i hate it.
i hate who i am today.



i feel so inferior. i am inferior to her, and i hate it so much.
i just want to be better. not better than her, but i think these feelings of not being enough stem from the very issue that

i am not where i know i should be

i am not the best person i am capable of being

i am not currently living the life of the person
that's inside of me
i

feel like i am worth so much more
and being blinded by the light of someone who is so spectacular
kills me,
brutally, i
love her for all of the things she has done for me,
appreciate all of the love she has shown me over the years,
been there for me, and sometimes, it feels like i should hate her for being
the best, but then i remember that i really just hate myself
so much
so much
so much

for not being
who i think i should be
where i should be