sometimes it's hard to express your pain when almost everyone in your life expects you to always be positive & upbeat.
you don't want to let anyone down, you wanna be there for them,
& provide all with love and good vibes,
but in doing so you let down yourself & neglect your own feelings.
if you couldn't tell i haven't been doing so well lately..
in sacrificing my happiness for others I have trapped & tied down my spirit.
& by refusing to deal with my own emotions I am slowly building a fate fit for a time bomb.
instead of letting it all out & facing my pain.
I've been tryin to counter/reverse things by taking in as much as I can.
I've been over doing everything,
over eating, spending, sleeping smoking.
constant consumption,
trying to hide & distract myself from my pain.
trying to make myself feel better without having to actually deal with my feelings.
I need the strength to overcome my obstacles but I can't seem to find it right now : (
& why am I sharing this?
because I'm hurting,
because I'm human,
& because its nice just to be heard.
despite what you may think I still have my bad times, my failures, my sadness.
I still feel the same, we all feel the same.
if it hurts you, it hurts me too.
the reason I've been avoiding my feelings is because I know how much it's gonna hurt when I finally do face them & I'm honestly not ready..
I'm not use to carrying so much pain & sadness.
I now realize though that by living the way I have been I am just adding to the chaos & confusion that is currently my life.
I feel disconnected from myself and the earth because I've been ignoring both.
and I find myself doing things and thinking things I normally wouldn't.
things that I know aren't helping me any.
by playing this full time act i am leaving myself broke, tired, unhealthy & unfocused which does not help me in overcoming my deeper issues.
I just need to breathe, i need to be brave, & i need to start listening to myself.
I've always tried to live from my heart but lately I've spent no time there at all.
I've been hiding out in my mind trying to ignore the state of my heart,
but now even my mind has turned into a chaotic mess & there's no where left to hide.