What did it feel like when you passed out?
Blackout, spinning in endless spirals
Chasing some shadow that appeared to be there
But wasn't.
There was a shallow depth
Ears silently rings
Irony making perfect sense
Just like the pure soot in my lungs.

What does it feel like to talk to your parents?
Like soft noise.
My dad spews static from his mechanical mouth
Words warped by the Republican Party and Fox News
As well as his religion.
Words that have tried to oppress me
Calling me a ****
Telling me I am fat
And that ignites the fire.
Lighter fluid poured into my mouth
And boy, do I have flames to spit at him.

What did it feel like when your cousin touched you?
Broken.
His hands were broken
As they didn't know what to do
And yet they did it anyway.
His words were broken
"It's just a game"
Were the tectonic plates that slid against each other
Causing an earth quake.
My heart was broken
As it had been molded for the first time
By a man who would never love me
By someone sick and selfish.

What did it feel like, cutting and purging?
Like dragging jagged metal
Across soft skin
Like diving into a lake full of sweat
With a body covered in cuts
Like a snake meeting the back of my throat
Allowing me to dry heave until
My thoughts, my anger, my control
Find their way back out of my body.
Like a jealous spirit ripping my sanctity from my being
Leaving me on the cold, porcelain tiles
Or on the bottom of the bathtub
Wrapped in a blanket, shaking
Or worse yet, naked
Forced to face myself
Alone.

What does it feel like to find people who care?
Better than you can imagine.
It's like people believe in you
Even when it is clear you are going to stumble
Even when you have to learn to walk all over again
Knowing there are people who will be beside you
As you relearn to understand yourself
Is beautiful.
It reminds you that humanity
Even through all it's evil properties
Is beautiful.

What does it feel like to recover?*
Liberating
As though the chains and shackles that imprisoned you
For nearly a decade
Over half your life
Have been cut or burned off
And you are dancing in the very place
You used to wish you would die.
It reminds you that the human race is not
The only thing beautiful
But that you are as well.