Jan 2011
Father ….
As you can see I have been coerced into presenting this eulogy to you on behalf of the family because quite frankly nobody else was prepared to do it!
It is impossible to mourn the man that you were as everyone in this church will bear witness to.
So after careful consideration, I have decided to mourn the man that you should have been.
The husband that you should have been to your wife.
The father that you should have been for your children.
The man that you should have been to the world in which we live.
YOU failed on all three points.
How does that feel Father?
Not too good eh?
Well … That pleases me …. Yes …. Pleases me.
Now ….
Look around you …. Look at the fruit of your ***** …. Open your ******* eyes.
What do you feel?
What do you feel when you look at us?
When you look at us …. Sat here in God’s waiting room …. In our
Sunday Best and all.
Stuck for words eh Father?
What’s that ….
Well well well …. If a little bit of reality …. Isn’t finally seeping through.
It’s a start ….. I suppose!
Now ….
Let’s start with your wife.
Yes, that’s her …. The one with the look of an animal just released from captivity.
OOOOH ….. She is going to have some fun …. Now that her captor is
dead.
She could have had the look of a woman in mourning.
Distraught.
Inconsolable.
Desperate.
Why Father … Can I detect the merest hint of malice on her lips …. Hhmmm …. Interesting!
Are we just the teeniest weeniest bit concerned now that she has been unleashed?
She could have drawn comfort from the love of her children.
If only things had been different.
We would have cared for her.
Soothed her troubled soul.
Kept her safe within the warmth of the family.
But alas …. There was never any ******* warmth ….. Was there Father?
So do you know what …..
When she is caught dancing naked in the apple orchards whilst defecating on the delightful meadow daisies ….. I’ll be laughing my ******* head off as they cart her away to the nearest loony bin.
Did you really believe your pathetic suicide pact would be honoured?
You created her.
Moulded her.
Made her what you thought that she should be.
So ….. Reap the ******* benefits Father.
Now ….
Let’s look into the eyes of your children.
Oh ….. You see it too.
What a turn up eh?
Is it …..
Is it …..
Dare I say it?
Jesus ******* Christ.
CONTEMPT.
Oozing out of the pores of each and every one.
And who ….. Prey tell ….. Are all these little ones?
Why …. They are your grandchildren.
But you never got to see them …. Did you Father?
They could have mourned your passing too?
But alas yet another generation denied.
By YOU! …
And your unhinged madness!
If only once you stopped yourself swimming against the tide and gone with the flow.
The fun that we all could have had.
Things could have been so different Father.
So different …..
LOOK ……
Can you see how close your children are?
Off course you can’t.
Because YOU destroyed that too!
What exactly was wrong with us getting on?
Why did it cause such fear in you?
Why was there always pleasure in pain?
Pure evil you were Father!
And you can wipe away those ******* crocodile tears because they cut no ice with me Father.
CUT NO ICE!
I know what you are about.
I have your score.
YOU can never touch me.
I hold my own.
But YOU
YOU needed to control and conquer in order to feel like a man.
To validate your own pointless existence.
Stop ******* crying.
You worthless *******.
We could have gone to the ….. Zoo!
We could have had …. Dinner!
We could have …. Holidayed!
We could have ….. Laughed!
We could have ….. Cried!
WE COULD HAVE BEEN ******* NORMAL !!!
You stone walled every opportunity.
Now …..
Look closely at the world in which you lived.
Look carefully at the prison that you created.
No outside influences.
EVER!
No one ever knocking at the door.
Except Mr James ….. PC plod …. Lived three doors down …. He hated YOU too!
You refused to even work.
Such was your level of jealousy.
She wasn’t ******* the:
Milkman
Postman
Coalman
Jehovah Witnesses
She wasn’t ….
But you were ….. Remember eh Father.
Remember that gypsy girl that you took a fancy too.
******* HYPOCRITE!
You strutted around town, fit as a fiddle, but refused to leave your wife alone.
And you wondered why folk looked down their noses at us.
You were more than capable of working.
You were fitter than men twice your age.
Such was the level of your obsessive fitness regime.
Shame on you Father!
Shame on you!
So …. Now we come to close.
And in summing up, I would like to say ….
Father …. I will miss you so much …. You have been so important to me …. You have guided me …. throughout the toils and troubles of this here life …. Always there by my side ….. I love you dearly ….. but alas …. It would all be a lie …. One great big ******* lie! ….. The truth of the matter is this ….. I hope that you rot in hell ….. and hopefully that dumb mute ***** of a wife will follow shortly …. If it’s not locked up first !
Goodbye Father
*It's been a blast!
As you can see I have been coerced into presenting this eulogy to you on behalf of the family because quite frankly nobody else was prepared to do it!
It is impossible to mourn the man that you were as everyone in this church will bear witness to.
So after careful consideration, I have decided to mourn the man that you should have been.
The husband that you should have been to your wife.
The father that you should have been for your children.
The man that you should have been to the world in which we live.
YOU failed on all three points.
How does that feel Father?
Not too good eh?
Well … That pleases me …. Yes …. Pleases me.
Now ….
Look around you …. Look at the fruit of your ***** …. Open your ******* eyes.
What do you feel?
What do you feel when you look at us?
When you look at us …. Sat here in God’s waiting room …. In our
Sunday Best and all.
Stuck for words eh Father?
What’s that ….
Well well well …. If a little bit of reality …. Isn’t finally seeping through.
It’s a start ….. I suppose!
Now ….
Let’s start with your wife.
Yes, that’s her …. The one with the look of an animal just released from captivity.
OOOOH ….. She is going to have some fun …. Now that her captor is
dead.
She could have had the look of a woman in mourning.
Distraught.
Inconsolable.
Desperate.
Why Father … Can I detect the merest hint of malice on her lips …. Hhmmm …. Interesting!
Are we just the teeniest weeniest bit concerned now that she has been unleashed?
She could have drawn comfort from the love of her children.
If only things had been different.
We would have cared for her.
Soothed her troubled soul.
Kept her safe within the warmth of the family.
But alas …. There was never any ******* warmth ….. Was there Father?
So do you know what …..
When she is caught dancing naked in the apple orchards whilst defecating on the delightful meadow daisies ….. I’ll be laughing my ******* head off as they cart her away to the nearest loony bin.
Did you really believe your pathetic suicide pact would be honoured?
You created her.
Moulded her.
Made her what you thought that she should be.
So ….. Reap the ******* benefits Father.
Now ….
Let’s look into the eyes of your children.
Oh ….. You see it too.
What a turn up eh?
Is it …..
Is it …..
Dare I say it?
Jesus ******* Christ.
CONTEMPT.
Oozing out of the pores of each and every one.
And who ….. Prey tell ….. Are all these little ones?
Why …. They are your grandchildren.
But you never got to see them …. Did you Father?
They could have mourned your passing too?
But alas yet another generation denied.
By YOU! …
And your unhinged madness!
If only once you stopped yourself swimming against the tide and gone with the flow.
The fun that we all could have had.
Things could have been so different Father.
So different …..
LOOK ……
Can you see how close your children are?
Off course you can’t.
Because YOU destroyed that too!
What exactly was wrong with us getting on?
Why did it cause such fear in you?
Why was there always pleasure in pain?
Pure evil you were Father!
And you can wipe away those ******* crocodile tears because they cut no ice with me Father.
CUT NO ICE!
I know what you are about.
I have your score.
YOU can never touch me.
I hold my own.
But YOU
YOU needed to control and conquer in order to feel like a man.
To validate your own pointless existence.
Stop ******* crying.
You worthless *******.
We could have gone to the ….. Zoo!
We could have had …. Dinner!
We could have …. Holidayed!
We could have ….. Laughed!
We could have ….. Cried!
WE COULD HAVE BEEN ******* NORMAL !!!
You stone walled every opportunity.
Now …..
Look closely at the world in which you lived.
Look carefully at the prison that you created.
No outside influences.
EVER!
No one ever knocking at the door.
Except Mr James ….. PC plod …. Lived three doors down …. He hated YOU too!
You refused to even work.
Such was your level of jealousy.
She wasn’t ******* the:
Milkman
Postman
Coalman
Jehovah Witnesses
She wasn’t ….
But you were ….. Remember eh Father.
Remember that gypsy girl that you took a fancy too.
******* HYPOCRITE!
You strutted around town, fit as a fiddle, but refused to leave your wife alone.
And you wondered why folk looked down their noses at us.
You were more than capable of working.
You were fitter than men twice your age.
Such was the level of your obsessive fitness regime.
Shame on you Father!
Shame on you!
So …. Now we come to close.
And in summing up, I would like to say ….
Father …. I will miss you so much …. You have been so important to me …. You have guided me …. throughout the toils and troubles of this here life …. Always there by my side ….. I love you dearly ….. but alas …. It would all be a lie …. One great big ******* lie! ….. The truth of the matter is this ….. I hope that you rot in hell ….. and hopefully that dumb mute ***** of a wife will follow shortly …. If it’s not locked up first !
Goodbye Father
*It's been a blast!
