Oh holy god,
this one clucks.
Let me stop telling jokes and just keep my mouth shut.

Oh no, oh ****.
This one's a total *****.
Mental note to leave the waiter one hell of a tip.

I've never had a date I didn't hate.
I'm so over it.

Oh great,
this one's obsessed with pop culture,
and this one's some sort of rotten carcass eating vulture.
I don't want to hear about your low-life ex-boyfriend.
I'll eat my food as fast as I can.

I've never had a date I didn't hate.
I count down the seconds until they end.

Are you freaking kidding me wearing that skirt?
No, that's okay, we'll skip on dessert.
Did he really just ask for your number?
Go ahead and give it to him.

Oh good god,
this girl is so dim.
What's that you say?
I wasn't listening . . .

I've never had a date I didn't hate.
I think I ought to just give it up.
Finally accept my fate:
No one but you will ever be good enough.