all the tellings
whispered from
my voice's dwellings
come back
dried and empty;
sadder than
their legacies.

i told myself
all i needed was
a gentle friend
who'd help me mend
the wounds i made
as an escape.

i told myself
all i needed was
a boy who saw
the world in my eyes
to make me alive
and wash away
the tears i shed.

i told myself
all i needed to do
was shed weight to lose
years of abuse
off my beaten back.

and now i have all
that ive wanted before
but im too scared to talk
to the people who care
i dont want to burden
their happiness with
my lack there of.

what do i do now?
i cant smoke
cant pop pills
cant poke
holes in my veins
to let out the pain
anymore.

what do i do  
when there's no where to go
to rid myself of these thoughts
the things done to me
the things that ive done
that i dont want to live with
no, i dont want to live anymore.

its not life
i dont want
its me
i cant bear.

what do i do now?