I think it will take me a long time to ever truly trust someone again.

Including myself.

I didn't start living until 15 days ago.
Hopped on a plane across the world, fueled by hope and thrill, visiting countless countries, famous cities, small towns, pub prowls, tattooed and brand new perspective.
It's quite different than it used to be.
Plagued by disease, wrecked memories, hard to wash stains off child brain, proaction, retraction, all too young to act on desires.
But now I feel I have purpose.
Because when I stress it's not about failing expectations, reality weighs in, search for places to stay in, transportation, learn new languages, survival depends on my eustress now.
And no one can bring me down.

My hope swirls black
Clouds, back and forth
And back, they grasp
My throat, my hope
Morphed into attack
On my soul, panic
Raids the homes of my
Whole range of emotions
Commotion stirs inside:
My heart, throbs like a
Wound; My lungs reach
For air, but lose; leave
Me to suffocate, please
My hope is gone, please
End my constant pain
The tiring waning of
Survival on its tip-toes
Tripping me, I fall
So often
Without getting up.

No one gets it
Is an understatement
Because even the people that do
Interpret it different than you
Leaving you lonely
Wherever you go there's
That lingering feeling
That reminds you you're not
okay
And you might never be

So they try to teach you
That that's okay,
That your life can be taken away
Just like that and everybody
You know will continue
To live on without you
But your body won't make it
Your mind will break by
The time everyone's lives start

I'm already broken, stop.

So go tell me it's all okay
That I won't wake up one day,
That's lately what they all say.

Tired
Lost
Confused
Defeated.