it feels odd trying to keep you alive through words pulled from my memory. but i don’t now why language always fails me when i need it most. i’m not drunk enough yet to miss you properly like i usually do.
when sea otters sleep they hold hands so they don’t float away from one another whilst dreaming, but while i sleep my phantom hand reaches for yours. on those nights i wake up in a panic because your hand is nowhere to be found. the only thing that calms me is going outside and saying ‘i love you’ as loud as i can in hopes that the heavens can hear me. when i see a star twinkling i know someone is saying it back. so suddenly, i don’t feel as alone.
during the day i am trying to learn how to be an adult who pays her own bills, drinks coffee, and doesn’t cry at words like ‘i think i just want to be friends’. i just want to believe i have the capability to make someone happy, but i know i don’t and thats kind of like religion isn’t it?
i should have been in california by now and you should have been graduating this year but you’re not and i’m not so thats why i don’t really believe the doctors when they say i’m getting better. i still read the last message you sent me on facebook before you blocked me. you said i could talk to you about anything whenever i need to. so i guess what i’m trying to say is, nows that time.