My brain spirals and my body feels you
It recalls you like muscle memory
Hands in hair
Lips on neck
A breath into a breath
It makes me feel out of control
I am out of control
I bend so wildly in whichever direction the wind is blowing me these days that I think I will break soon
I think, “If I can’t do anything about the pain that someone else inflicted upon me, then I can take my power back by inflicting it upon myself.”
So, I do
It is wrong
I am wrong
It all feels incorrect
You leaving me
Me staying here
Me moving on, yet still running in place
I feel small
It is a bit spiteful the way that Gravity is working by holding me down and still pulling us together - even when I want to leave
A bit spiteful in the way my body reacts to you in my dreams at night
I want to forget you like how you have forgotten me
..”I want to forget, too.”
I want to be out of control in your bed - in a way that Gravity won’t be able to pull us apart again
Lately, I dream about making love with you in all of the ways that make me glow
Your hum in my neck is so steady that I can feel it pulsing through my veins
Calloused hands on my person in firm way - a way that wilts me down into dew
My insides spark when you water me with soft kisses
My bloom is powerful
My bloom is radiant
We bloom together and it smells like rains
Springtime is sweeter when we are wrapped up in each other
Am I tolerable?
Am I tolerable enough to love for tonight?
Am I tolerable to deal with until you have to leave?
What about tomorrow?
What about when you realize you like me enough to keep me around but do not want to be in love with me?
Anyway, I hurt.
I ache for the love I had before it died. I try to find it inside of every person I fall in love with.
I feel loss more than I have felt anything worthwhile in my lifetime.
I wish I would have fed my love rather than ate from its hand.
All of this new love is not like the love I had waiting for me - for my sobriety.
This love feels difficult.
This love feels foreign.
I want your love here like I want to feel the things I felt before my pills took it all away.
I had it, and I left it, and now I want it back.
I think I am selfish, and other people think I’m grieving.
I think both?
I think I feel empty, but then I remember your love and I feel full of life.
How is the scenery?
Can you see me from there?
Is there a place where you sit and wait for me?
I wake up every day and hope so
My skin drips and yours splits into a blue haze
I fall into you like how spring falls into summer
We are not seasons
We are lovers through lifetimes
I find you and then you find me with your hands
Over and over again
We bloom and I bloom and then the flowers bloom,
because they know we have come home
Do you think the universe knows us like we know each other?
I think yes
I think the universe knows us like how the sun only knows it burns to give us light.
I love you like that
I love you like the sun loves us
..Kiss me like you love me in July.
I will kiss you into July
I will kiss you until my lips melt like July and August, and then when September returns I will kiss you like I want the leaves to stay on the trees
I am staying
I will kiss you until you are me
There are soft spots and then there are spots where my lips touch that make you soft like pudding
I will kiss there
I will kiss where you hurt and where you have healed
I will put my lips on your lips when you are hot and I am cold
I will feed you with these lips
I will feed you until you are full of me
Kiss me and then kiss me again.
I will do it, honey.
When I miss you
I hurt well
I ache in my chest for the love we had in the moments that were pure between us
We were body on body
Body in body
Body with body
We shared time
We shared soft moments
What am I without what you made of me?
What are you without what all I gave to you?
I kiss softly because I am afraid of commitment
I kiss lots of people because, why not?
I kissed a dead body before I kissed my first love
I miss flowers when the grass is brown
I miss flowers like how I miss you every single day
I missed my pills and now I just miss myself
I think infinity is a lot of sleep
I miss you now more than ever