Not myself
I've never known that
Too many scars
Sifting through
Emotions
Pains
My
Eyes

See the world
But not the world
Seeing what I want
Ignoring what doesn't
For my my reality
That's the reality of
A past that was only
My life
All I knew
Is all I became

I wanted, sweetness
A part of me that I couldn't find
And thought lost

Thought gone forever
Unattainable, all my dreams
Crushed beneath my mother's
Jackbooted high heels

I carried this through my life
Not to use, but be used
Love, not beloved
And everything suffered
Husbands, children, friends
I tortured them all
Whipping them
With a reality
Only my own
Trying to impose it
To make it real for them
Force them to see
Why I was so damaged

And maybe,
I reached to them
How I wanted to be understood
When they saw me for
Who I wanted to be
Rather than just my scars

Pity,
What I wanted was pity,
Unspoken and vehemently denied
Always the victim
Of the world, of others
So unkind, this internal
Screaming, but silent
Defender of mine
Making me the victim
Again and again

Driving forces
An unmet sister of my soul
The mirror, mine
Showing me hope
By bringing up my past
Reliving all the pain
But giving perspective
I had never held before

She is saving herself
Healing, with a husband's
Sometimes less than gentle hands
On her shoulders, around her waist
Holding her high and giving her ground
Becoming an anchor
A port in the storm
And I heal, through her
Patching scars, and
Giving return
Vanishing the lingering doubts
Rebuilding hope against fears

For a moment, just one
I found the world
It's bustle and pace
Less scary
Just knowing
My mirror
Was out there
Looking back at me
And maybe,
I give her hope

Returning
This precarious,
Precious gift