Does it make a difference?
If a heart beats, confused for another
The physical need denied
Or if the emotional indulged?
Can you simply be, without meaning

Sending letters back and forth
Electronic symphonies of pleasure
Asking of me the things I would never admit

My imagination flies, tie me, take me, take me
It's all just a dream, lucid, guilty pleasures
I know it's not love, a distraction, attention
I'm so alone, why can't I speak?
Reaching out to strangers, rocking hips to their pretty words

Forgive me, this is not me
Slutting me for the perverse
But, deep inside, I want
Turning me from true
Giving lie to all I've worked for

I want this, attention long denied
That I could never admit to face
It was nothing, I tell myself
Just words to a penpal, ******
But less than mine
To this, I think maybe, please
Let it have meant less to me

I showed myself, lithe, smiling, fine
Gave pictures of family, home, life
Did it still mean nothing
Opening the person, me, mine
I didn't stray, it was innocent!

But more personal than I want to admit
Reading back, looking through saves
How did this happen, I am not this person
What do I find? New truths? An inside denied?
Sifting, I realize that they were saved
The pictures made me his *****
But I saved them all, to read again

I had wanted this, confused at the time
I shred the letters, burn the ink
I want no trace, not who I am
Not what I want to be
Romantic, timeless love

This is what I need to be
So I close the book
Prepare to spill
Clean my quill
Forgive me, my love
How could you, I cry
I am *****, unclean

I want to tell him
Pour it all out
Tears and truths
Blending and clean
My tortured soul

It eats at me
Not to say
I want truth
Trust, something pure
But to say, just might
Ruin, prove my shame
To myself

True love wouldn't understand
It couldn't, I say
Nothing's unconditional
I am the unclean
Tainted, wasted, mean

How could he see me again?
Could I really tell him it all?
Would he look me in the eye?
He has said before, this maybe test
He would love me forever
Hold me safe, keep me clean
Can I trust, is that my real need?

My tendency to secret
A mother's gift to me
Manipulate and destroy
Drive men all away
I never wanted this

I wanted to be different
Loving, beautiful and safe
Not lies, deep inside
Worse, he might never know
It would make me slowly die