Aug 2014
these thoughts fester, blistering; glorified toxicity, virulent, mundane and absolutely consuming in every single way.
I love to hate it and I hate to love it, but I do; and sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be selfish, as they say I can. “It’s okay to be a little bit” but what about more? when in the past I was never, don’t I deserve to cash in on the blunder that was my life up until this point? it was all a lesson waiting to be frustratingly spat back in my face, concluding to the one single plane of time and space I was spent to end up here where I am today.
it was never a dream, it was always me that was never needed or wanted; it was always selfishness that guided it all and I was just the punchline to 27 years of contempt. and I still wonder, I think because I know: I need to go, I need to go
and I wonder, who would need me more than ever after the fact? Who would stay behind and grieve for me, but I curiously berate my consciousness with thoughts, more importantly, of “who would go?”
nobody but me. nobody still, no one. I would go alone.
But here, I am the same. At least on the other side, I don’t have to be the product of pain and the reason of disdain. swallowed whole again.. swallowed whole
I’ll leave this earth like a passionate torrent of dust and emptiness and corroded flesh mired by the taint of a Friday night’s ugliest forgotten texts - “hey, where are you?” said the blinding screen, faceless as ever and echoing screams of torment: why must I remain unseen?
no amount of effort, no amount of partiality begets the conundrum more than simply trying to believe in anything else. reality disguises itself as a promise, but the words never stuck. you lied to me, they all do - it’s fine, I’m used to it. my words never meant anything, too - until now
i will go
I love to hate it and I hate to love it, but I do; and sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be selfish, as they say I can. “It’s okay to be a little bit” but what about more? when in the past I was never, don’t I deserve to cash in on the blunder that was my life up until this point? it was all a lesson waiting to be frustratingly spat back in my face, concluding to the one single plane of time and space I was spent to end up here where I am today.
it was never a dream, it was always me that was never needed or wanted; it was always selfishness that guided it all and I was just the punchline to 27 years of contempt. and I still wonder, I think because I know: I need to go, I need to go
and I wonder, who would need me more than ever after the fact? Who would stay behind and grieve for me, but I curiously berate my consciousness with thoughts, more importantly, of “who would go?”
nobody but me. nobody still, no one. I would go alone.
But here, I am the same. At least on the other side, I don’t have to be the product of pain and the reason of disdain. swallowed whole again.. swallowed whole
I’ll leave this earth like a passionate torrent of dust and emptiness and corroded flesh mired by the taint of a Friday night’s ugliest forgotten texts - “hey, where are you?” said the blinding screen, faceless as ever and echoing screams of torment: why must I remain unseen?
no amount of effort, no amount of partiality begets the conundrum more than simply trying to believe in anything else. reality disguises itself as a promise, but the words never stuck. you lied to me, they all do - it’s fine, I’m used to it. my words never meant anything, too - until now
i will go
