i sat on the edge of his bed
staring at his pathetically
painted blood-red walls
clicking the lock button
on my phone
repeatedly
praying to the only
God i know
as he cuts a line
squeezing a rolled 10 dollar
bill between his thighs

he doesn't know how much
i hate this
or
how it kills me
to watch him do
this

it kills me
because
he can't stand to be
with me
unless he's all sorts of
high
unless he can't remember
who he is or what we're
doing here together
and
he can't go
5
minutes without
smoking or
snorting or
placing a
pretty colored
pill on his bumpy pink tongue
just so his vision of me
goes a little blurry
and he can't hold a conversation
with me unless it
involves him
breathing heavily
and thrusting
on top of my bare
body
and nothing is as
it seems
for him or
for me
anymore

who are you when
you're sober

because i've
never
known

i thought i
loved
you but
i don't and
i can't and
i won't
i won't ******* love you
and i refuse to
because
when i did love you
i never loved
you
i loved who those drugs
made you

and
it kills me

but
today,
today was different
because
today
it killed you
too.