There was once a time
When I had my every moment
Pinpointed
Down to the very last millisecond
And I organized every
Scene
Memory
Idea
Emotion
Each neatly labeled, color-coded
Stored away in its shrink-wrap
So that I’d hear it
When I tried to look back
And I tried
I looked back over my shoulder
And saw you talking, laughing
And when they mentioned my name
You said, “I know her,”
So surely
Plainly
Confidently
And I laughed to myself as I watched you
For I knew you were wrong
True, you’ve met me
But
You don’t know me
You only know my soft spots
Where you poke and **** and jab
Watching me wince
As I try to tell you a story
My story
But you only half-listen
You haven’t the slightest inkling
That I am the strangest person
You’ll ever meet
And that I’ll never be anything you expected

You’ve found me predictable
And extend your hand
Knowing that I’ll stand here with my halo
And refuse it
So you keep your hand extended
Confident that I’ll never take it
Remembering that I told you
I can’t climb
And that I’m always scared
But you keep laughing
Thinking you’ve beaten me
Put me in my place
Forgetting that I have no place
I defy categorization
And the realization hits me as I look back at
All my neat categories
Where I tried desperately to fit my bits and pieces

I keep thinking I’ve found it
My spot in the puzzle
But I never quite fit
Not for long
Because you come around and reshape me
And I fit no where

I left a trail of bread crumbs
Hoping my past self would come find me
As I rocket blindly forward
Clutching my halo as I dodge
All my chances to live
While the Fates look on
Grinning with morbid satisfaction as they
Weave my sordid tapestry
Giddy with their knowledge of what is to come
As I stumble
Afraid of tomorrow
And never quite getting past today
Every day I’m tempted
To ****** the scissors from the hand of Atropos
And cut my thread before I can plummet
But you pry the scissors from my unsteady fingers
Knowing that I’m frozen in fear
Because I like the option of turning back
I hate you for it
Because I know tomorrow you’ll laugh at me
Thinking you know me
While I ponder your intentions
Driving myself crazy
Watching as everything I’ve ever done
Rears its ugly head
And all the words that have ever crossed the space between
You and me
Come up to haunt me
Driving me further and faster
Swirling
Twirling
Whirling
Spinning, spinning, spinning
Winding me up in this vortex
And I’ll never be able to stop
Because no one will try to help me
And you’ll watch on
As I blur ‘round and ‘round
My features blending with color-coded memories
While you brush off the stories I try tossing you
My regrets pull me by the hair
Sending me faster still
And you’ve forgotten me altogether
And it matters not whether you knew me
Because I’m going down, down, down
Pulling no one with me
Falling alone, with only my halo
And my fears
Still color-coded and shrink-wrapped
Wondering if I’ll ever get it right