one: dieing was the least of my worries. two: living requires all my concentration. three: i have not cried for three days because god made me without tear ducts. and a half: I think he did it for my own good. four: i can't sleep because he shouts at me when i dream. five: i have been buying self help books and feminist poetry and a half: i want to be stronger. six: i think i got more of my fathers genes than my mothers. seven: i am jealous of the other planets because I would like to be alone also. eight: my loneliness is sweet, sweet, sweet. nine: ive never felt the kiss of anyone who loved me. Not even from my dad. ten: i listen to sad music because i understand sad music. and a half: happy music has never spoken to me. eleven: my aunties get on there knees and cry and pray for my health, whilst I drink eleven shots and fall to my knees for other reasons. twelve: i want to believe. thirteen: i want to be naΓ―ve. fourteen: i would like to be less selfish, but I still find myself avoiding newspapers because my life is hard enough without the weight of the world on my shoulders also. fifteen: i am weary of treading too ******* dirt because i know it will be my home one day. sixteen: i remember how hard it was to imagine myself living past seventeen. seventeen: as flames flicker I feel them burning my flesh. as they will. eighteen: who would've thought my lungs would still support me to this age.