I haven't posted in a while because I've been so focused on my happiness and I've been smiling and happy but its one of those nights where the world crushes me and I realise that I'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself, I need to be tall and slim and confident with quiet opinions and a laugh that doesn't sound like thunder. I need to be everything and more for those I love, I must be strong for people who cannot carry themselves and I must be smart enough to make my mother proud because there is no joy like hers. But sunlight if often hidden by clouds and we had a storm today and in the rain I heard your heartbeat and I recalled how you hurt me and the wounds you left re-opened, and with my exposed flesh and a bitter taste on my tongue I collapsed like the stars and the cosmos will collapse one day. One day when there is no one left to remember me and no one left to remember that once upon a century I was alive and I had shakey breath and friends that shone like the sun that will soon burn out and no one will remember that I lived and no one will know that I died with a rock in my heart where I put it to stop the blood flowing and I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hope heaven is nice but I'm not going there yet.