Watching Saturn spin

On a good day
I will participate in the team game,
lead from the front and
know my own name but on a  bad day,
I won't play
won't play ball,I'll just
forget them all and
go it alone,
become closed off in
the no entry zone.
This is the rod I've made and who is my God,
the Marquis de sade?
On a good day
I put the whip away
forget to self flagellate
have a chance to heal
believe I can be someone real
and
not just the joker in
the pack.