january:
"you fill my lungs with meaning,
and i'm exhaling my reason for living.
even though it hasn't been cold for months,
i can see my breath like the smoke
you blew in my face when you told me you liked me
morethanafriend and i asked if that meant best friends"

february:
"the real question is how do you tell someone you might be in love with them and you slit your wrists and took some pills last weekend because of it?"

march:
"i think
in the most simplest way
you are my everything.
i don't need anything more than i need you
not even oxygen,
i could breathe you in
and my lungs would work better
than ever.
you could bump the blood through my veins
my heart just might pump properly
the steady beat beat of a heart
opposed to the frantic beep beep of life support
you make me
strong and free
full of love and want
instead of illness and an i.v."

april:
"i want your hands wrapped around my throat. i want all the metaphors to become a reality. i want your fingernails leaving marks on my pale skin. i want knives because your nails aren't sharp enough. i want bruises and scars all over my body. i want people to ask me why and how. i want to let them know and i want to watch the glares and listen to the shouts when you walk past. i want everyone to see every word you've ever said to me, every single time the blade pierced my skin. i want them all to stop seeing me as a lonely little girl who's desperate for attention, but as a victim. a victim from everything you've ever said and done to me."

may:
"'i fall for people way too fast.'
'i know it'd be really easy to fall for you.'

W H Y
can't i stop thinking?
do i even care?
does this resonate?
did i write this down?
did i get involved?
am i the one you trust?
don't i know?
did this even start?
do i put trust in people?
did i get so close?
don't i think about?
am i so sorry?"

june:
"[...] i'm going to **** myself and if anyone gives any ******* CONSPIRACIES AS TO WHY I KILLED MYSELF I'M HAUNTING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU PLEASE JUST PUBLISH ALL OF THIS I HATE YOU ALL STOP ACTING LIKE SOFT GRUNGE IS ANYTHING YOU'RE ALL TWELVE KURT COBAIN IS DEAD GET OVER IT"

july:
"i want to be in the backseat of a care where 'belmont' is only the name of the avenue by my uncle's house and coughing is from a cold. i want to be in utero with booming voices of people i've never met, trying to figure out what life is and how i'm going to get out. i want to sit in the back of my parents' car, heading back from my uncles around one in the morning, counting canadian flags to try and stay awake. i want to be twenty five, visiting my home for the first time all year, enjoying my parents' presence again. i want to have no idea what words like anxiety mean and my nightmares are of clowns, not the sickening reality i'm living in."

july:
"we kiss
and we are the first human beings
to ever experience perfection
because nothing has ever been
this wonderful and so so beautiful

and as we kiss
i am making vows against your lips
'don't **** this up dont **** this up
dontfuckthisupdntfckthsp'

but we are still kissing
and i'm whispering, 'i love you'
it's too much for you and i know
i've already ****** this up"

august:
"when we met i was like a broken puzzle piece. you folded me so the crease on my side from being broken was still noticeable, but i fit perfectly. at first, i felt out of place. like you had just jammed me in there. i tried to fit in other places and for a while, it worked.

but i always ended up back in that same first spot."

september:
"THERE ARE ALWAYS REASONS FOR FALLING FOR THE WRONG PEOPLE. YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK FOR THEM. IT MIGHT BE A LIFE LESSON OR IT MIGHT BE TO GUIDE YOU TO THE PERSON YOU BELONG. MAYBE YOU MET SOMEONE OUT OF THEM. MAYBE THEY INTRODUCED YOU TO GOOD MUSIC. MAYBE THEY MADE YOU WATCH YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE. YOU HAVE TO STAY POSITIVE. NOT EVERYTHING IS A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE."

october:
"today i decided i needed to stop thinking about you.
i smashed my wrist against the headboard
until all i could think about was pain.
when it started to bruise,
the colour reminded me of your hair."

november:
"fuckshitfuck
you're in the other room and i haven't seen you in so long and i guess i thought maybe i was over being in love with you but i'm definitely not i just want to reach for your hand and tell you how beautiful your eyes are and how badly you make me laugh i want to cover your ******* body with poetry ******* for making me feel like this"

december:**
"the cold winter air makes me wonder
how long it's been
since the first time you kissed me and said you loved me
then pretend like it never happened

the snow on the ground makes me wonder
how long it's been
since i left and swore never to speak to you again
only to tell you i missed you a day later

the ice from my rooftop makes me wonder
how long it's been
since i buried a hole in the cold icy centre of your heart
and called it home"