This is extremely negative and scattered, but I spent so long writing it I'm going to post it anyway. I can't believe what a hypocrite I am. I hope I make sense to at least one person. This also seems so mean when reading it but wow it's not supposed to be. I need to shut up and stop being so insecure about my writing and terrified of offending people. PHEW. WHY AM I RANTING SO MUCH I MIGHT JUST WRITE A MINI NOVEL. HERE. IN THE NOTES SECTION. This poem made me see how extreme my hypocrisy is when it comes to self insulting and just generally bringing myself down. I'm going start improving as of NOW! So yes, this poem is negative and scattered, yes I fear I haven't gotten across my thoughts at all, but I worked on this poem for a good while. I've gotten a shit load out of writing it and look I'm in all this reflection and self improvement because of, perhaps, a sub par poem. And I feel fucking fantastic. I feel so fine about myself right now I'm on the verge of talking about my much deeper insecurities in this little fucking note that's now longer than the actual thing I'm posting. Hahahaa I have 4 followers (hi Daniel) this is essentially a diary entry, but I don't care if 10,000 people see this!
I'm scared of disgusting people. Of course in a physical way with my appearance, but I'm mostly scared of a disgust different from that. I'm afraid of disgusting people with my confidence. I fear that if I'm laughing loudly, speaking my mind, or doing weird shit in public then people will think I'm confident. And they'll look at me with disgust because they can clearly see there's nothing for me to be confident about. They'll see me as a freak saying stupid and embarrassing things but my confidence blinds me and so I make a fool of myself while being silently pitied. And so for a long time I put myself down, to assure others I KNOW, I'M NOT BLIND, I SEE I'M A FUCKING IDIOT and I tried to portray as little confidence as possible because it felt better to act knowledgable about my flaws than act confident about, well, just existing. So I suppose a lot of this poem is about my old attitude, but I see that attitude in so many people I know and in this trendy teenage "alternative" media crap. Perhaps I'm putting my own thoughts behind the stuff I see, I don't know. I FEEL CONFIDENT IN THE VIBE I'M GETTING SO YEAH MAYBE I THINK I DO KNOW. YEAH. I have 3% battery. It's 2 32 am. This was an absurd adventure into my stream of consciousness, if anyone took the ride with me, I hope this brings some reflection for you as well :)