I called you today
Itd been months since we last spoke
And it was brief and awkward
I thought I was doing the right thing by reaching out to you
But I felt worse selfishly...
My phone call meant nothing to you
You couldn't even muster the strength to pretend to care
It was like you answered the phone to be cold, disinterested and just down right cruel
I know you heard my voice shaking
I know you know that it took all the courage I had inside me to dail that number
Our relationship is no relationship at all
You won't open the door
Even though I keep knocking
Why do I stand in the doorway, shut out, locked out?
Why do I think a relationship with you with fulfill my life?
Why did I think a "granddaughter" would light a fire under you?
Make you want to really hear mom's words from all those years ago, and reach back
Grab my hand and just say "I'm sorry"
But after all the venom spewed by me in furious moments... You felt you'd earned the right of the victim role
It makes cry and gag at the same time
I've been the victim of your bad parenting my whole life
The victim of your vicious words
Lack of respect and sensitivity
Helpless to your violent ways
But yet, I kept pleading with you to help me fix us
But in your eyes only I need fixing
And even if you don't feel that way, you refuse to admit it
My hearts been broken too many times to go on this
Nothing about you is home to me
I called you today
You took 2 mins to make me feel small and unlovable
It took me 24hrs to get your voice and your lack of concern outta my head
I may always want you to be part of my life
Even though, you've done nothing to earn me continuously being the bigger person
The sad goodbye
The phone call I instantly regretted
Made me wonder if you'd regret it one day too
But I hung up the phone while in the midst of a teary goodbye
I won't call again
I won't
I can't
The line is dead