sometimes things change and we can't control it
and sometimes it's easy to forget that we are only human beings,
incapable of preventing something inevitable.

but i do have to admit, it is a shame when you see someone
you really care about go through such pain
and such emotion and still pretend to be okay to you
because it is as if you are stuck in a box with no opening, and only
a little hole in the box will allow air to flow in.

at some point you don't even want to breath in the air
anymore. sometimes you would rather suffocate so you can forget
temporarily about everything. sometimes you would rather ignore
it all than notice it's there. maybe if you don't admit it to yourself
it isn't true.

but i have been through the "i'm fines" and i know
this isn't the case and no matter how many times you want to
say it, it will simply not come true. no matter how many times i claw at
my skin and the ground, no matter how many times i sigh and stoop my
head down, no matter how many times i cry, i cannot bring back
the month of november; i cannot redo my mistakes.

things have changed back then and circumstances change
and maybe you never did change because i created this perfect mold for you
and expected you would fit in it, but maybe it was my mold that was flawed,
not you. maybe i'm the one who changed, maybe i'm the one that
caused my own pain. that's what i think now, anyway.

i wish i could rewind the hands of time, and i wish that things were
the way they were on a nice autumn day. but they are not, and i have to learn
to accept change, and i have to learn to control my frustration with it
because maybe this was all for the better; i just don't know it yet.