I feel it coming on.
It attacks my system
With every weapon on the front line.
It wreaks havoc on my gut
When I am stressed, when I am hurting
Suddenly, my body starts to tingle
And it aches, and aches, and aches.
The pangs of panic and regret
Pierce their way into my midsection.
As my mouth begins to salivate
I know exactly what needs to be done
To make this pain disappear.
I excuse myself, neatly and politely
How ******* ironic
As I go to do one of the messiest things
I have ever done.
It's not emotional
At first
Just business as usual.
I close my eyes
Zone out
As I stick two, three fingers down my throat.
I feel the tension
As it begins to gag
Tighten, release, tighten, release
Until I can no longer breathe.
Tears begin to form
And I begin to cough, uncontrollably.
Finally, everything
All the sadness
All the lonely
All the anxiety
Is ejected from my body.
I sit on the ground
Completely calm, yet I am shaking
It is a similar feeling post-purge as it is post-cigarette
I lean against the stall
My knees pressed to my chest.
I am not sad
But I am crying.
Thinking
"What have I done?"
"How has it gotten this far?"
My legs feel like jelly
And my arms are heavier than I remember.
My head begins to roll back
As my neck is giving out on me.
It feels like I am going to lose myself
But somehow, I do not pass out.
I am snapped back into reality when
I hear someone come into the bathroom
I'm in public?
I forgot.
I walk out, emotionless and unaffected
I have done this so many times before
That I have a gigantic capacity for acting.
My body maybe cured of its physical traumas
But there is still an extreme feeling of nausea
In my heart.