I've been thinking about this since it happened a few days ago.
There were ways that I could've stopped it.
I could've said that it was me who was thinking those things.
I could've stopped everything from getting so out of control.
Instead, I put myself silently in the middle.
I sat there and watched while someone walked away.
I didn't even walk over to the person when they were only a few feet away.
I regret everything that happened a few days ago and take full responsibility for it.
I didn't mean to start a fight, or make two people made a each other.
And I really didn't mean to just sit there while it was all happening, and keep my mouth shut.
Why did I do that?
Why didn't I say anything?
When she stood up, I should've stopped her.
I had at least five to ten seconds where I could've stopped her.
I could've explained my side and apologized for thinking wrongly.
Or maybe, I could've just said that what she said was because of what I had thought.
But now, everything is a huge mess.
And I'm the person stuck in the middle because I let my stupid anxiety get the best of me.
It's my fault, and I don't deny that.
So what if someone is coming back next year?
So what if she hated my guts for no reason?
Why did I have to start having an anxiety attack and do something like this?
I know some people might think I'm being to ******* myself.
But I could've, no, I should've said something.
I should've stopped her when she stood up.
I should've said that she only thought that because of what I had said.
Now, because of me, I get to be stuck in the middle of a situation.
That I could've prevented by saying something.
And now, I made two people start bringing up more things and that made for a split.
And I don't know what to do.
I can't pick sides, and I won't.
I can't sit with both people at the same time, but I want to.
I just wish that I could go back to that time.
Make things right.
So that way, things could go back to normal.
I love these people so much, and I hate seeing them like this.
Now, I have to face lunch and mornings figuring out where to sit.
One of my friends said that wasn't hard.
Really? It's not?
They might think it's not, but I don't agree.
I hate things the way they are now.
There's so much tension and I keep feeling like I'm gonna let someone down.
Sitting at one table, just once, that's all I ask.
Just one time, so maybe, we can work this out.
I know this situation can be fixed.
I just need to spend some time with everyone.
I don't know if this makes sense, or if this is stupid, or if I just seem like some selfish kid who just wants things back to normal.
But all I know is that I don't know how much longer I can hold this in.
I need to talk to somebody.
I understand everyone else's point of view.
But what about mine?
It's me who started all of this.
I mean, I caused what's happening.
And I think I can fix it, or at least, try to.
So, could I just have one chance?
Please?
I hate seeing how much this hurts everyone.
Even if they don't show it, I know this is hard.
And if we can talk, I'm not picking sides.
I'm gonna call it right down the middle.
Cause there are things that I do and don't agree with from both sides.
Just, please, let me try to both help and fix this.
I feel like I need to.
If not, could someone, please, just talk with me?
I'm sorry about all of this.
Hopefully things will be back to normal soon.
Until then, I'll just have to hope for the best.
And maybe, I'll stop feeling so guilty.