Well, for only the second time since I bought this thing, (my laptop), I have moved it from its' fan pad to join me in my favorite spot.

And I am currently wondering whether the cigarette ashes that may fall into it while I type could light the **** thing on fire, for which i would just have to laugh since I have no back up CD made yet, and for what it's worth, my life's work is on this harddrive. I need to quit smoking. The **** commercials you hear on the radion have me deemed a murderer, so now I don't listen to the radio either. I am strictly a CD girl now. One of these days I may catch up a bit and get an IPOD, but I am beginning to think the devil uses all this technology to make real relationships a thing of the past.

I also am missing my mouse out here. I am pretty sure if this use this little fingertip pad long enough, I could teach Braille to a 1 year old.

This is the first time in weeks I have actually used my swing for any duration, and you know what, I miss it. It is kind of hard to type on it though as it sits next to me and rocks a bit with every letter I type.

I've decided, for now, to stop my foolish searching for the meaning of everything, and the end all to everything. For now, I'm just gonna live..day to day..hour by hour...second into the next.

Up until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much I liked to swing, or how much I love to fly kites, or look at Dogwoods, or read philosophy, or even write poetry. I took a detour, a very long one, into a mind sedentary world with no hope, no dreams, no happiness.

And unfortunately, the only way out is the way I came in, which will take me as long to get beck to where as I started, as it took me to get here.

I love to feel the strong breeze that's blowing today. I felt it earlier while taking a walk, and going to the park, but then it was blowing while the sun beat straight down. Now I am in the shade and leaves are blowing onto the deck, and I swear if I had that hammock I keep promising myself to buy, I would be falling asleep on it right now. The kids are gone, daughter at a friends house, and son at grandmas next door. I put the puppies on their leads, and it is only me here right now. It's been forever since that happened too.

I need to get back to me...and I need to stop putting so many demands on myself. If I feel like going to the beach...I should just get in the car and go. I deserve that.. I deserve to smile and laugh and drink my coffee and talk to strangers like I know them  while they look at me like I'm crazy. I deserve friendship. I deserve and desire the love of friends.

Companionship, shared intellect and joys. Freedom. You know I could sit for hours and hours, maybe even days..if I had the liberty and just enjoy nature, and not really think of anything at all. Sometimes it feels like people and responsibilities get in the way of what I was truly meant to be and the things I truly want to do. I wish there was a place where I could just be, you know be...BE.

And one day I want to see my soul in someone elses eyes and just know without question that I'm not so different. That I'm connected somehow, with someone or something, and that I'm not really crazy. That I'm me and I am exactly what I was meant to be and I'm beautiful because I am me. I don't want to adapt to anything or want anyone to adapt to me. I just want to find the place where I fit perfectly.

But the never ending searching for this place has proved unsuccessful. So I believe the answer is to wait for clarity. And it will come. It will come, I know it will. As for now, I'm going to enjoy my coffee in the breeze...on my swing, and just close my eyes and breathe in the wind.