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Feb 2014
I've been existing in this body for the pastΒ Β few years
Going by, passed by, surrounded by melancholy eyes of my own reflection
I've carried this self for many a times I can not count, guilt that I have tried to swim against has pulled me down upon my knees
I am empty
Let me go.
Let me live.
Let me breathe.
Still, I am empty
Breathing air that does nothing but inflate my lungs, posing questions I have always known to have no answers to
This life I am living,
It has long surpassed dysfunctional that I have resorted to writing to make believe happy endings that I know better not to believe
This is what has become of me, drowning myself in darkness
Darkness that has always welcomed me with open arms
But this time darkness doesn't complete me, it reeks light
And once again, I find myself engaging my thoughts on paper with no purpose, no direction, I've always made some bad poetry
Drawing circles in squares, squares in circles hoping for a new pattern of life only to find nothing but doodles of this old life
I've become just that, what I've always known to be, and presumably what I've always been;
A nobody.
Who was I to think I could escape my fate? Times have changed, but I haven't
I am still made of the same **** as before, but how could I be expected to better myself when they have already labeled me
'Not good enough'
And 'unworthy'?
My time has deteriorated with passing seasons, and my life is wasting away like sand through the hour glass
The only thing keeping me from bursting is a memory of a past life that I fear will soon succumb to the lusts of time as I see shattered remains of my faith on the cold heart floor, I have no cause, no hope. Nothing
Who will I become now?
I've been everybody and anybody, but myself
Preying eyes of my reflection have surrounded me like vultures, looking for which color the chameleon will turn to
Why do I hate myself this much?
Asking myself questions I've always known to have no answers to, but this time a vague one surfaces
I've shun and tormented my soul with much intent, why then do I ask myself such questions?
I wonder if the remnants of the girl who once had dreams will come to light
Sweat and tears flow through my eyes as past sins become present
Tinted eyes watch damaged a reflection with blood slipping through my trembling fingers
Shards of light slice through my scarred skin as old wounds that have yet to heal resurface
And they will bleed till I blink myself asleep
I've always been an honest liar, but now honesty has driven me to pits that I can not lie out of
Smoking blunts that only sink me deeper and deeper, I've thought for so long that each puff births serenity
But now it's only poison that I seem to be inhaling, and it's absorbed right to the core
Torn between humanity and suicide. The latter is clear, but the former is graying
Turning the darkest hue of black to it's lightest, this is the end
This is the end of my humanity
As I see my fingertips colored with the deepest shade of crimson, I've been consciously digging at my own skin as if I'm trying to take back what was taken from me without my permission
I have not yet decided, but fate already has and I wonder if I will, if I should fight myself for myself
Though presented with the possibility and freedom of a new life, I have been trained to run
Never to let anyone catch me, like a salamander
This is the heart of a troubled rhythm, I am the troubled rhythm
Sloppy but oh well
purple orchid
Written by
purple orchid  South Africa
(South Africa)   
   RC and rained-on parade
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