My day had been laced with comfort and love
which was strange for someone like me
but I thought I would end it in the same manner.

Smoke explored our lungs
and furled around the Christmas lights.
My lids laid heavy against my eyes
as I tilted my head back and inhaled the garage
the lights
the sounds
the people.

"Oh ****."
In an instant my world shattered
as the door opened
and he walked in behind someone
and our eyes met
and I could feel my heart gasping
and my body tremble
and my hands lose feeling
so I stood up to leave.

As my friend drove I shrunk into the seat
more silent
and less visible
than a breeze.
Tears crawled down my neck
but I didn't care
I needed to get as far away as I could
before thoughts of him began to inch up my spine
and constrict my head
like they usually do
but I think it was too late.

We pulled into the parking lot
and as my friend got out I refused to move
and when he left
so did my control.
I snapped and slid down the seat
shivering
covetous
stripped
flammable
and deeply burned.

It came to a point where I couldn't cry
so I leaned against the door
shaking
as my breath creeped along the window.

I wish he hated me.
I wish he resented me
and stayed so far
even memories of him would seem impossible.

I wish I hated him
hated how he made me look like a fool.
I wish my brain vomited his existence
and any thought of him
I would melt and pour down the drain.