In a long time,
like a good dream
that just faded away,
and now I relish in its memory
like a ******,
I can't stop holding on to what
so badly needs to let me go,
can't stop tugging you closer,
as he calls your name from that crack
in the front door,
can't stop saying how much I love you,
in how many different ways and shades,
that you can never remember
or never cared enough to in the first place.

Can't say that I've grown,
and become greater than what I was,
a new shoulder for you to rest your head,
new muscle to make you feel comfortable.

Sometimes I wish that I could scream,
at the top of my lungs, just the way a rabbit does in the maw of a lion,
or cry the way the sky is blue,
infinitely, with new meaning everyday.

Sometime I wish that my anger,
could become as ****** to you as anything,
and that it would be as masculine
As everyone of your most embarrassing desires.

Sometimes I try to find things to cry about,
and when I don't, I drink,
feeling emptier than ever, because I can't seem to feel
what everyone else feels everyday,
like I'm missing the big story,
the biggest, brightest explosion ever known to humanity,
the show of God in the light of your eyes.

I wish I could say that the long swish of your brilliant hair,
is it.

Or the tiny crinkle in your mouth, the trickle of a smile,
is it.

Or that hopeless cuteness in your ***** brown eyes,
is it.

I have been overlong,
wanting to understand everything about what I could never be to you,
thinking more about what you were to me.

Each memory a needle against my heart and brain,
trailing across nerves, tickling and destroying,
and all the times I couldn't satisfy your hunger.

But, on the edge of my desperation,
reaching out and holding air,
grasping molecules,
swiping at nothingness,
slapping away feverishly at my own dark emotions,
I keep looking for you,
like the memory of me that you are,
while I'm sifting through the dream of me that you became.

The idea that I couldn't make whole,
the ache I couldn't bend in my favor,
the lie I desperately plied as truth.

I have loved you,
I have loved you.