Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I'm unable to find the words to express how I'm feeling.
I doubt myself and my ability to do any of this 'work' - the real work, "THIS". And I grow angry because it feels so unfair that they **** us and we spend the rest of our lives trying to deal with it.

I find myself reading and empathizing with others, others 'like' me…
to some extent we share a 'likeness' - albeit a likeness that we would prefer NOT to share -
and yet it is there, and I can feel it.
I read, and I tell others:

"hang on"
"don't give up"
"it will get better"
"you can do this"
"you're so strong and so courageous"

And I mean every word of what I say to everyone. And yet, I can't say it to myself. And what I feel right now....is DOUBT. Because the truth is that sometimes it doesn't get better. And the reality is that even when you hang on by your pinky fingernails, you can still fall. And often times I feel like I CAN'T do this. So many nights I'm scared and I don't understand, and I don't even know where this is going. I don't know which one of me is in charge, and frankly,
I don't know which one of me is the "real" Nita.

I haven't written much this past week...I've felt tired and overwhelmed
and I haven't been able to put the chaos in my head into words on the computer screen.


The truth is...
Sometimes I'm not strong or courageous.
Sometimes I can't do this.
Sometimes I want to run and hide.
Sometimes I want to give up.

And I know I'm not the only one...and it isn't fair -
it's not fair that they break us apart and
we spend the rest of our lives trying to find the pieces
and put them back together again.
And some days I doubt I will even be able to find all the pieces of me.

And it feels like it's me against the world....

and the world is winning...

**Is life fair?
Doubt it!