as a thirteen year old,
I had to grow up a little too fast and put up my big girl pants on
due to daddy losing his job.

as a thirteen year old,
I found a new way of expressing myself.
but, instead of painting or screaming,
I did both,
and began painting with crimson
and screaming along with the rest of the voices in my head.

as a fourteen year old,
I turned down the medication they said I needed to survive
and got clean,
deciding I could do it all on my own.

as a fifteen year old,
I fell in love with a boy that was no good for me,
and whose worlds were like gasoline,
and whose touch was like fire.
daddy never approved,
and mommy always shook her head in disappointment.

as a sixteen year old,
I lost myself in whiskey,
and fell back into using my thighs as a canvas
after three years of being clean.

as a sixteen year old,
my eyes stung with salt water from crying an ocean almost every night.
and I lost my soul and became a walking corpse with dead lifeless eyes.

as a sixteen year old,
I never got along with mommy.
I told her we shouldn't talk anymore.
I told her I hated her.

as a sixteen year old,
I look back on when I was thirteen,
and I'm blown away with how much of a disappointment I am.
and how saving myself isn't something I want.
it's something I need.

as a thirteen year old,
I never thought I'd be such an awful daughter,
and such a terrible person.
and I most defiantly never thought my life
would turn out as tragic as
*this